Just another Monday

The last few weeks I have been doing my annual round of Doctor visits. Each year I try and make the effort to remember to take care of my health. Physicals, dentists, dermatologist, etc... This morning I went to a new Ear Nose and Throat specialist in the hopes of again figuring out what is going on with my head and ears. I sat down in the exam room and offered up all the symptoms that I have experienced in the last 5 weeks. I told the doctor of my family history of Meniere's disease, and he proceeded to do the standard exam, look in the ears, down the throat, and up the nose. Apparently I don't have the little gremlins running around upstairs like I had expected.
Although my symptoms and family history led him to make the Meniere's assumption, he wanted objective evidence to the fact. I appreciate this type of doctoring. I really didn't want to have drugs thrown at me and have that be it. One of the strongest predictors of Meniere's disease is hearing loss. I was then sent to the audiologist for another round of hearing tests, and after listening to a series of beeps and honks, mixed in with a little buzzing, my hearing came out as almost perfect.
Surprisingly this did not make my doctor very happy. I asked him, "isn't that a good thing?" "Yes and no." he responded with a lost look on his face. "I can't properly diagnose you." Shit! Go into my head and dig around for all I care. Just make it stop! I am sick of my brain swimming around like some lost island. Now I have to wait until I have another bad attack, like an 8 or 9 on a 10 scale. Then I will have go in and have another hearing test. Guess what will happen.....nothing. My hearing will be the same, I can guarantee it. I truly do appreciate him wanting to make certain of my diagnosis, but it is so FRUSTRATING!! Can't someone figure me out!
Later, I went over to my Chiropractor, whom I absolutely love. Not in the kissy lovey dovey way, but as a kindred spirit. He and I are so alike. He is so compassionate and he can read me like a book, something my own husband struggles to do. I go in to his office, tell him what is going on, and he will say something so striking and honest that it just throws me off. I love it. He is a Canadian transplant, and came to Utah to be closer to family and his faith. After spending 20 minutes with him, I leave feeling like a new woman. He is not a "back cracker" type, but has been specially trained in other forms of spinal manipulation. After I left his office, the dizziness stopped and I felt grounded again. I am not so naive to think this is a cure, but with his help, I am certain I can start to feel normal again.

So the day started out frustrating, but ended on a more positive note. Tomorrow I am having blood drawn from another doctor for more tests. Fun. Nothing like a needle being jabbed into your arm first thing in the morning!

I think Punxsutawney Phil got it wrong!

Yellow Brick Roads.........

A voice from nearby cornstalks tells them "that way is a very nice way." Toto barks at a scarecrow who then says "It's pleasant down that way too!," adding "Of course, people do go both ways."

Early this morning I woke up at 3:30 a.m., sat up, my heart racing with a feeling of panic. Was it a dream? I couldn't say. All I could do was try to collect my thoughts, and get my heart rate down. I slowly laid back down, trying not to wake my husband. The first thing that entered my mind was the movie The Wizard of OZ. Strange, as it's not a movie that I watch more than maybe once every five years. There I was, envisioning Dorothy on the yellow brick road at that point where she comes to an intersection. She looks down one road, down the other, and then down the third. The problem is that they are all yellow brick roads. Which one to choose? The munchkins just sang a lovely little tune telling her to take the yellow brick road. Not to mention the GOOD witch, Glinda, told her THAT road would lead her to the great and powerful Oz, and he would help her home. Now what to do? All the roads look the same from here.
I laid in bed, thinking about this scene over and over. Obviously, this is my subconscious way of revealing the fact that I am feeling like I am at a crossroads. It is true. The last few months have been a challenge for me as I have become more and more aware of my age ( I will be 35 in a few short months), reflecting on where I have come from, and become more concerned of where I am going.
I suppose the intersection Dorothy faced, is much like the intersection I am at right now. To choose, to make a decision that could alter your life and take you on a different path than the one you are currently on, can become an overwhelming concept. But then Dorothy comes across the Scarecrow, who decides to join her on her journey to the Emerald City. They sing and skip, and decide to just take a chance that the path they choose will get them to where they need to go.
Could it have been any path? Would have any of the yellow brick roads led them to the same destination, just offering different scenery, different friends, and other challenges along the way?
So that brings me to my early-morning heart attack. If I look around at my life in its current state, I am allowing myself to be bombarded with choices, options, many possibilities and paths to take to the point where I am stressing out. The question for me has always been "which path is the right path?" Which one will I be most happy on and have the most to offer to those around me?
I guess the question is not the destination, but how do I want to get there? I realize now that the only wrong choice to make is to make no choice at all, and to stay spinning in circles looking down each road, never taking the first step towards a new direction of possibilites.

A Lazy, Sunday Afternoon

Today I spent time at Liberty Park. I am fortunate in that within a 1 mile radius of my home, there are more than 3 parks. This park is the largest. It takes up 8 square blocks (which is about 1.5 miles around the perimeter. The southeast side has a rather large lake which is home to many ducks and geese. Today was great because so many people were out enjoying the rather warm, springlike day. I was just one of hundreds visiting the park. Families, couples, runners, walkers, bikers (both pedal and motor), and rollerbladers. There were families having picnics, families feeding the ducks, people playing with their dogs, and kids playing everywhere.

The man in this picture came up beside me with a cart filled with bags of bread. He proceeded to feed the geese, most of which seemed to already have had their fill from all the feeding going on. I later saw this man with his cart walking around the park picking up trash that had blown around.

Some mountain views from the Park. The Park Cafe is in the foreground, which offers a great breakfast with views of the Park.





Salt Lake boasts a large population of 4 legged friends. They make up a large portion of the visitors to Liberty Park. You can expect to get your crotch sniffed at least once.

The lake has a small island in the middle which now has a new gazebo in the center.

I did my three miles, took some photos, walked to the top of the hill overlooking the lake, ate a granola bar, and drank my water. I sat back and enjoyed the view. It was a great Sunday.

Aiports, pet supplies, and cucumbers....

Yesterday I dropped off my hubby at the airport. He was heading off to Atlanta for some training for his J-O-B. The airport was crazy. Apparently many are taking advantage of the 3-day holiday to come and ski. They couldn't have picked a better weekend. Highs in the 50s, beautifully clear, and 30 inches of fresh powder. I usually like going to the airport to watch people. It is usually a time when you see the best of people. Hugging, kissing, holding each other to say good-bye, or rushing into each other after a long separation. I love it.

After I dropped him off, I went to Sugarhouse Park for a little exercise and fresh air. I then proceeded to the Pet store to gather cat supplies (litter, treats, etc..) Forty dollars later (and they say kids are expensive!) I decided to leave and continue on to the grocery store.

I have a bone to pick with pervy guys. I have a particular vegetable that I love, cucumbers. I particularly enjoy the English cucumber. It is firm and crunchy without that waxy exterior. They are fresh, cool, and absolutely delicious. It never fails when I purchase one of these lovely gifts of the earth some gross old dude that is picking through the carrots or celery, stops to stare just a little too long as I select my cucumber. A few years ago when I still lived in Florida, I was shopping and carefully selecting my cucumber as usual, and as I looked up there was this old geezer standing there, staring at me with his mouth open. It was so obvious what was going through his mind. I could no longer eat that cucumber. I took it out of my cart and placed it back on the pile, turned and bolted. YUCK! It took me months before I could buy another cucumber.
Yesterday, the grocer had a great selection of cucumbers. I quickly snatched one up and proceeded on. It wasn't until I went through the check out that the bag boy, who carefully placed my cucumber into my bag just as I was grabbing the sack, gave me a "wink wink." WTF!!! Sexual harassment via vegetables! Obviously there are too many men out there that have seen some strange stuff to think that cucumbers are for things other than eating! Give me a break! Leave us cucumber lovers alone.
I swear I am going to smack the next guy who gives me oogly eyes at the cucumber stand. Of course, things being the way they are, I'd probably get arrested and then sued. Not sure yet if it's worth it.

Movie Recommendations

This last week, my husband and I went to see Pan's Labyrinth, or El laberinto del fauno. We had no knowledge of the storyline prior to entering the theatre. I just picked a movie and we went. I have to say I thought this was a fabulous tale. The film is in Spanish, but has English subtitles. I didn't find this to be an issue, as the story moved along quickly.
I very rarely make recommendations for movies, but this one I have to make an exception for. I really loved this movie.
This is not a story for the kiddies. Leave them at home. There is some violence as it is set during the Spanish Civil War, and there is a particular creature that about had me out of my seat.
Afterwards, I made the comment to my husband that I thought the film had religious undertones. My husband did not see those characteristics until after I pointed it out to him. I think he missed it because the hero in the movie is a young girl.
5 stars

Another great rental I watched last weekend was Catch a Fire. The film is set during the South African Apartheid of the 1980s. Amazing story and gut wrenching as well.
4 stars

A Strange, Sad Week

Unless you've been living under a rock (or don't listen to the news, which might be a good thing) then you have heard about the shooting that took place at a local mall, Trolley Square, here in Salt Lake. This is my first time really talking about it. I live only blocks away from the mall, and can be found at Trolley a couple of times a month to shop or to dine. It is easy to think that on any other night, I may well have been one of those shot. It is such a tragedy for this community. We generally go around thinking we are always so safe. After all, this is Utah, we are immune to such atrocities! In a rather obvious display, I now realize that this is not the case. It is true that this could have happened in Anywhere, USA, but it doesn't change the fact that it happened in my home town and that 6 people are dead.
Every morning the paper is covered, front, back and in between with stories about what happened. Who the victims were, their families and friends, the heroes, our amazing police and fire departments, and then this morning an article on the killer.
Thanks isn't enough to the off-duty Ogden police officer that was having dinner with his wife. Had he not acted so quickly and bravely, more would have perished.
I am conflicted about my feelings regarding the killer. He was a refuge from Bosnia and only 18 years old. He was obviously mentally disturbed, and I have no concept of what his experiences were living in a war torn country. But in the end we all make choices, no matter the experiences we each have suffered through. To make the choice to go and kill innocent people, leaves me little compassion for his life.

Fortunately, the mall is recovering as quickly as possible. The community is making a huge effort to go back to the mall to shop and dine again. As I was driving home yesterday, I noticed a very full parking lot, especially for that time of day. Additionally, starting in March, Trolley is suppose to start a major renovation project which will upgrade the mall, add a Whole Foods Market, and possible condominiums. I think this is exactly what is needed to help heal the wounds.

My many condolences to those who's lives are forever changed by this tragedy, and my many thanks to the police who had control of the scene in just 6 minutes after the call came in. The support and strength of these Departments will always be a reminder to me that this event was an unusual case, and this community is still safe and secure.

Happy Valentine's Day!

To be in my place

Yesterday was cloudy and somber. The day was spent doing weekend stuff; cleaning, organizing, getting a new cell phone (that was a fun waste of time), and general maintenance of life. Around 5:30 I decided to go out for a walk. I went longer than I intended and ended up getting rained on. By the time I got back home it was dark out, I was soaked through and freezing cold. I stripped down and put on my P.J.'s in an attempt to get warm again.

I wasn't hungry for dinner, but was craving a snack. I opened my fridge and dug around until I could find something that appealed to my belly. I piled a plate with some baby carrots and cut up an apple. I filled a glass with water and decided to sit in my living room to listen to the rain pelt the windows. I turned on some music, kicked my feet up and sunk in to myself.
The chomping sound of carrots and the apple appealed to my little kitten (she loves corn chips, so anything crunchy sounding brings out a Pavlov response), and she was soon sticking her head into my plate.

As I was sitting, quietly in my thoughts, petting my kitten, listening to a guitar in the background mixing with the sound of rain, I smiled to myself and for the first time I thought, "I am home." I looked around the room and had a feeling of contentment that I had never felt before. The colors, the artwork, the rug on the floor, the pictures of places I have been, the lamp sitting behind the rocking chair, the pottery I have accumulated over time, each piece with its own story. Within all this, I see me. For the first time (and I have had 8 residences) my true spirit is reflected in this house.
I finished my carrots and my apple, grabbed a blanket, and laid back. I have waited for this feeling my whole life. I began to close my eyes, breathing quietly. In my place, my home, my heart.

Which Jane Austen heroine are you?

Take the Quiz here!

I was goofing around yesterday reading other blogs and came across his little quiz. Every girl wants to be one of the heroine characters in Jane Austen's books (I was hoping for Elizabeth Bennett). After answering a whopping 10 questions, I am apparently Marianne Dashwood in Sense and Sensibility. Marianne being the "emotional" of the two sisters. I guess I need to read the book or maybe just watch the movie again. I do have the soundtrack to the movie. I found the music to be lovely.

February

There are two spiritual dangers in not owning a farm. One is the danger of supposing that breakfast comes from the grocery, and the other that heat comes from the furnace.
To avoid the first danger, one should plant a garden, preferably where there is no grocer to confuse the issue.
To avoid the second, he should lay a split of good oak on the andirons, preferably where there is no furnace, and let it warm his shins while a February blizzard tosses the trees outside. If one has cut, split, hauled, and piled his own good oak, and let his mind work the while, he will remember much about where the heat comes from, and with a wealth of detail denied to those who spend the weekend in town astride a radiator. - A Sand County Almanac

Who are you?

A couple of weeks ago, my husband leaned over and asked me "who are you?" I was unsure if he was serious or if he was experiencing some sort of dementia where he could no longer remember the woman he married. I looked back at him, "who do you think I am?" "Your you," he said. "I guess you have your answer then," I responded jokingly.

The question stuck with me for a while. I began to wonder if I really did know who I was, and did it really matter. I guess for me that is not a question with a easy answer. I don't like classifying people to a few character attributes. I like to think that we are evolving throughout our life, learning and building on previous knowledge which adds to who we are. That said, I do think each of us has an uniqueness, a spirit, that speaks the truth of who we are. As my husband said, "your you." I think he was referring to that unique quality.
I am not sure that a spirit is something that can truly be defined. You just know it when you see it. It is the life that flickers in a persons eyes. You can also see it when that life force is dead or dying. When that spirit is being ignored or has been so damaged that it cannot repair itself.

"Who I am" is that which I have always been. I suppose I look to God for that definition because I believe it is that love which gives me my essence, my flicker. It is how I display that love through my life that defines me to those around me. When I ignore that love, I become someone I do not like, someone afraid and angry, but when I hold on to that love, then I feel alive and awake. I am able to display the best parts of myself to the world around me. "Who I am" can be found in everyday actions, thoughts, hugs, smiles or frowns, arguments, and moments of bliss.

So "who I am" does not have a simple definable characteristic, as I am sure is the case for everyone. But for the case of making this entry a little more entertaining here are few tidbits that describe some of "who I am":

My eyes change color with my mood (green and brown)
I hate fat, ligaments, and tendons in meat. I recently took a chicken wrap and dissected it into little parts. Made eating very challenging.
I usually have 3 books going at the same time
I can corral cats
I love wearing hats
I hum tunes that I make up when I am gardening
I am consistently inconsistent (or is it inconsistently consistent?)
I love cheese curds. I love how they squeak on my teeth.
I wear a cross around my neck that I have had since I was 16.
I am the person my friends come to for advice, but wish I was the friend that people called up to party with.
When I am alone, I can be found dancing to music for hours.
I love taking photos, and I don't care if they are "worthy" or not.
I have a very good memory. I am great at regurgitating facts, just don't ask me where I parked my car.
While living in San Diego I was a volunteer for a wildlife rehab organization. I took in 2 batches of abandoned ducklings (about 25 total) into my home. I was living in a condo. I never imagined ducks could produce so much poop.
I laugh really loudly. I can't help it.
As a kid, I use to love to roam around empty buildings. I was always curious what was in the next room, or up those set of stairs. I was also curious if I would get caught. I never did.
I love Peanut Butter and Honey sandwiches
I love snowball fights and water fights (until someone gets hurt)
I love strawberry-rhubarb pie in the summer
My favorite moments in life are when I my mind, body, and spirit are all one. It is a freedom that can't be explained.
I love the solitude of the outdoors. I can hear myself think.

A week in review.....again

Last night I sat here and wrote my blog entry only to have Firefox crash on me just as I was loading a photo. I was slightly pissed, and decided to wait until morning before attempting to rewrite it.

Last week just flew by, and I am in shock that it is already February. I spent much of the last 7 days still living in "recover" phase from my loopy head problems. This last attack was much worse and lasted much longer, so I am going to see more specialists in the coming weeks and months to get a more reasonable course of treatment than "just get used to it."

I am way behind on my reading goals for the month. I usually read just before going to bed and because of the above mentioned problems, I would only get a paragraph in before crashing. It doesn't make for good storyline development, so I would have to re-read the last paragraph before attempting a new paragraph only to......you guessed it, fall asleep. You get the idea. Last night was the first night in weeks that I could stay awake for an hour and get a whole chapter in.

The weather here finally broke 30 degrees. Now we are getting temps in the 40s. I made it to City Creek twice for some fresh, clean air. It was a highpoint of my week.

For the last month, I have pondering some possible directional changes in my career. I have been leaning towards more therapy or counseling possibilities in working with children as well as working with aging folks and veterans. I also am looking for a direction that will give me the ability to continue with my advocacy work (time, enough money, etc...). I have been feeling an unsettling inside, and I think I want to investigate this more.

My hubby was offered six month orders to Hawaii to work in the Navy. I was slightly stressed. Excited, but stressed. He has decided to not take them for the time being. I will admit that I am relieved even though it goes against my personality to turn down a new adventure. I just want to settle in here for a while.

We finished painting our dining room and living room. We went kind of bold with a pewter grey color. I like it, and it complements the red and yellows in the other rooms. Larry says it looks like a gallery, but he does like it. I guess I like color and lots of it.

I haven't run in over 2 weeks now. It is disappointing, but there was no way I was going to keep up with my training while the room was spinning. I hope to get back on the treadmill soon, but will probably have to take it slow. I am still planning on the 5K in April.

Went to a SuperBowl party last night at my Aunts house. I brought dessert.
I never make cupcakes, but wanted to make it easy for individuals to eat. I also was thinking more Valentine's rather than SuperBowl. They were yummy. I had three and they kept me up until 2 a.m. jumping around in bed (so that's why I could stay up and read......).

I also had a little help in the kitchen
Now if that isn't cute then I don't know what is. She is just as sweet in person (except at the vet's office). Okay there's my cat fix.

That's it for my week in review. Not too exciting, I know. Hopefully that will change shortly. I am just grateful to be feeling better.