Separate and Equal

Last night I was chatting on the phone with Larry. We always say good night to each other, even if the rest of the phone conversation is just listening to each other breathe. Out of the blue I asked Larry to give up his airline career and come live a Bohemian life with me. Be free and travel the world, healing and loving. He laughed assuming I was joking. I wasn't. When he realized that there was an air of seriousness to my request, he told me "that isn't me." He was right. It isn't him. He is a worker and likes the "American" life as well as accomplishments and success. I don't really care about all that stuff.

He then very accurately said, "that is you. It is a type of life that you could live, but not me." It seemed weird hearing the man I have loved for the last 18 years (in 2 weeks) tell me that we aren't the same. This should be obvious, I know, but still it sounded weird. Then he said something that threw me even more, "The house, the animals, and I will be here, and you can come and go as you need to." Huh??? He said this so matter-of-fact. For the first time I heard what he said and it finally really sank in. I heard "I love you as you are, and wherever this life takes you, I will always be at home waiting for you."

I suddenly realized that I can be me and his love for me won't change. Now I see that only I have been selling myself short and no one else. I have been telling myself the same shit that I spent my life fighting against, and worst...I somehow managed to believe all of it. I caged myself because I was afraid I would lose those that I loved. What robbery is it to tell people not to be who they are on the threat of being unloved, undeserving, unworthy? It is Hell on earth.
Larry spoke about those moments when I tried my hardest to shut myself up, to conform; I became dead inside and our marriage became rocky. This is very true. I didn't do myself, nor those around me, any favors by being the sacrificial lamb. It also caused me to blame others rather than be responsible for my own life, my own path and happiness. It was, in fact, easier to give myself over. Doing so meant it was never my choice. It is always easier to make excuses and place blame elsewhere. Thinking that it somehow relieves the sin is the greatest deception of all.

After the phone call, his words went with me to my dreams. The night was full of activity. I do feel in complete harmony with the direction my life is taking, personally and professionally, but now I am also starting to open up to anything positive that may come my way. My future, which I have normally painted black, is now a deep blue. I find I am wanting to hitch myself to a star and go forward.