11/27/2008
11/25/2008
Lunch
Today I went out to lunch with a childhood friend. It was surreal and nostalgic but also comfortable. Tamera and I have known each other since Jr. High. I always remember Tamera as confident, outgoing, with a no-holds-barred kind of attitude. She would definitely tell me what she thought, and I admired her for that. While we were talking I got see her in a new "confident adult, loving mom, career woman" light. She still has that exuberance that she always had, and that laugh that is hard to forget. She also still does things with her hands when she talks. She managed to take a straw wrapper and wrap it into a perfect little ball. I had forgotten about her playing with stuff with her hands when she would talk to me in class......until this afternoon.
I will admit that by my senior year of high school I was beyond ready to leave and move on to greener pastures. I wanted to shed off high school and let the person waiting inside come to the surface. As such, I did a major brain dump after graduation. I did the ever so cliche, "put it behind me and never looked back." I didn't realize how much of my youth I had forgotten until I started doing this Facebook business. I had even started thinking I wasn't going to bother with the 20 year reunion because no one would remember me anyway. Talking to Tamera, I was almost sad because I realize how many memories I have let go of; both the good and the bad. She had said that she remembered me as always being nice to her, and that by the end she could see that I was struggling, struggling to be who I was. Even she knew I wasn't happy in the skin I was in, that I was hiding myself and who I was. I find it frightening to know how easy I am to read. I obviously was then and still am now.
The road since high school has been bumpy and at times very confusing for me. I think I spent a lot of time in rest stops along the way just trying to understand were I have come from, where I am going, and if where I am headed represents the real me. I see the girl I was more vividly after my visit with Tamera today. It is like seeing Tamera made me see myself. I think this has been very good for me. I have kind of lived my life hiding from my youth. There are many reasons for that, many I don't want to get into right now, but I can't deny I have spent a lot of time running.
I heard it said that one can't really move forward until amends of the past are made. I understand this more clearly these days. How can you really know who you are if you don't see where you came from? Maybe most people do, but I think I have become detached in a way. Visiting with so many friends from my past I am beginning to put the pieces together, and be okay with who I was back then and who I am today. There are many good memories that need to be remembered, and having good friends to relive them with makes the past a pill much easier to swallow.
I will admit that by my senior year of high school I was beyond ready to leave and move on to greener pastures. I wanted to shed off high school and let the person waiting inside come to the surface. As such, I did a major brain dump after graduation. I did the ever so cliche, "put it behind me and never looked back." I didn't realize how much of my youth I had forgotten until I started doing this Facebook business. I had even started thinking I wasn't going to bother with the 20 year reunion because no one would remember me anyway. Talking to Tamera, I was almost sad because I realize how many memories I have let go of; both the good and the bad. She had said that she remembered me as always being nice to her, and that by the end she could see that I was struggling, struggling to be who I was. Even she knew I wasn't happy in the skin I was in, that I was hiding myself and who I was. I find it frightening to know how easy I am to read. I obviously was then and still am now.
The road since high school has been bumpy and at times very confusing for me. I think I spent a lot of time in rest stops along the way just trying to understand were I have come from, where I am going, and if where I am headed represents the real me. I see the girl I was more vividly after my visit with Tamera today. It is like seeing Tamera made me see myself. I think this has been very good for me. I have kind of lived my life hiding from my youth. There are many reasons for that, many I don't want to get into right now, but I can't deny I have spent a lot of time running.
I heard it said that one can't really move forward until amends of the past are made. I understand this more clearly these days. How can you really know who you are if you don't see where you came from? Maybe most people do, but I think I have become detached in a way. Visiting with so many friends from my past I am beginning to put the pieces together, and be okay with who I was back then and who I am today. There are many good memories that need to be remembered, and having good friends to relive them with makes the past a pill much easier to swallow.
11/19/2008
Realism?
I watched this news show last night and wanted to share it. I find it appalling what women and girls are expected to look like now. Add that it is all a big fat photo shopped lie and I become furious.
11/18/2008
It's Hawaii Time again....
I just returned from a 4 day trip to Hawaii. If you have read my blog for the last year, you would know that this has become a big part of my life. This last year Larry worked full-time for the Navy and was stationed at Camp Smith within Pacific Command. This last year my life was somewhat chaotic with the monthly trips to and from Hawaii. I know that some might think, "oh please....you HAVE to go to Hawaii......cry me a river." I will be the first to say it has been a wonderful experience, but it does make one's life somewhat temporary when every few weeks you have to leave one life for another.
Larry is officially home now, but is still a drilling reservist at PACOM. This last week while I was in Florida he was in Hawaii doing his reservist work and also house/dog sitting for some friends on the Windward side of the island (opposite of Honolulu/Waikiki). I decided to join him and we had a great time.
Cheese the Dog.
Us enjoying a nice dinner on their back patio.
An early morning walk makes for a beautiful sunrise (minus all the wires).
Walking the dog to Kailua Beach
Sun still working its way from behind the morning clouds.
Cheese doing that dog thing
Another picture perfect day at the beach.
Larry running into the water.
And to top it all off, some endangered Monk Seals beached themselves for us to take many pictures of. It was pretty cool.
Larry is officially home now, but is still a drilling reservist at PACOM. This last week while I was in Florida he was in Hawaii doing his reservist work and also house/dog sitting for some friends on the Windward side of the island (opposite of Honolulu/Waikiki). I decided to join him and we had a great time.
Cheese the Dog.
Us enjoying a nice dinner on their back patio.
An early morning walk makes for a beautiful sunrise (minus all the wires).
Walking the dog to Kailua Beach
Sun still working its way from behind the morning clouds.
Cheese doing that dog thing
Another picture perfect day at the beach.
Larry running into the water.
And to top it all off, some endangered Monk Seals beached themselves for us to take many pictures of. It was pretty cool.
11/13/2008
Flattery
One of the most unexpected outcomes of me joining Facebook has been an outpouring of love and support from so many great people that I knew so many years ago. The most amazing part is that we all have taken our guard down, and the "groupings" that we might have been subject to as kids have been removed. We are no longer separated by class, clothes, color, SES, religion, or even hairstyle. We are just people and happy to have so many friends in our lives.
The other day I received one of the most heartfelt emails from an old classmate who had been reading my blog. She expressed how much she enjoyed reading it. I was blown away. I don't really get many compliments, but when I do I relish in them. She brought up a particular post I wrote last June when I was feeling "restless." I feel this often, so I thought I would re post it today. This is an example of what I call "free introspection." I just write my thoughts without restriction.
This last week I have been more contemplative in my thoughts and actions. I have been questioning how I spend my time, and how I would like to spend my time in the future. I am feeling I am ready for one of those “changes” again, a shedding of the skin so to speak. It could just be the time of year, the summer warmth and late nights, or maybe it is the smells in the summer air reminding me of my youth and that time is fleeting. No matter what is causing it, I do feel a desire to change directions a bit. I’m not talking huge, life changing directions, but smaller, day to day changes.
I am one of those people that reexamines my life and my self rather frequently, and when I no longer feel that I am spending my time wisely, I work about trying to change to become more productive or just more fruitful in my time dedications. Like I said, I have been contemplative lately. I see areas where I have given probably too much of my time, and neglected other aspects of my life, other aspects that need to be fed and nourished. These parts currently neglected may produce big, healthy new fruit, or they may produce nothing at all, but I do feel the need to trim the tree. I feel like cutting back limbs that seem to no longer grow or blossom new flowers, so that other limbs can become stronger and healthier. Maybe I have just been spending too much time in my gardens (thus the analogy), taking off the dead in the hope that new growth will prosper.
Being the person one wants can only happen now and not later, not when one thinks a “better” time may exist down the road. There is no better time, no later date, only now. This has been a reoccurring thought in my mind lately. I am not seeking to “achieve” anything, but rather make an action of the day, the moment. I can often get lost in the thoughts of events, actions, and people of the past, as well as prospects for the future; sacrificing today trying to remedy the past and getting stuck in hoping for the future. The past is gone, it has been lived and is over and done with. The future is nothing more than a series of todays, so in essence the future is what you make it by what is done today.
Sometimes things just come up in the most unusual places at the most unusual times, but cannot be ignored. It can be as simple as breathing in the summer air, or going for a walk, but there is that nagging tug inside when you know that something must change. This requires a letting go and an acceptance. I often wonder to myself why I hold on to things (people or events) that have no meaning, no place inside me anymore. Is it comfortable? Does it make life familiar? I suppose in some ways it does, but comfortable familiarity isn’t always healthy. I think this is what I have been reflecting on most lately. It is easier to stay stuck and relive events over and over again. There is a rhythm and a repetition which becomes habitual.
My quest for reasoning is probably of no matter, but rather a desire for an understanding and an acting upon. I suppose this is just another layer of the onion. This may come across as unhappiness or sadness on my part which isn’t the case at all. I am very happy, and maybe that is the reason for the change. Often when I feel most secure, I find myself in an itchy skin. As if I am telling myself it is okay to grow out of one layer and start fresh with a new one. It is always unfamiliar and uncomfortable, but that is what growth is. I reflect on when I was a growing teenage girl going through a growth spurt. My bones would literally ache at night. Within a year I had grown 5 inches. I suppose growth in the soul can ache as well. It is never easy, but it is always worth it.
The other day I received one of the most heartfelt emails from an old classmate who had been reading my blog. She expressed how much she enjoyed reading it. I was blown away. I don't really get many compliments, but when I do I relish in them. She brought up a particular post I wrote last June when I was feeling "restless." I feel this often, so I thought I would re post it today. This is an example of what I call "free introspection." I just write my thoughts without restriction.
This last week I have been more contemplative in my thoughts and actions. I have been questioning how I spend my time, and how I would like to spend my time in the future. I am feeling I am ready for one of those “changes” again, a shedding of the skin so to speak. It could just be the time of year, the summer warmth and late nights, or maybe it is the smells in the summer air reminding me of my youth and that time is fleeting. No matter what is causing it, I do feel a desire to change directions a bit. I’m not talking huge, life changing directions, but smaller, day to day changes.
I am one of those people that reexamines my life and my self rather frequently, and when I no longer feel that I am spending my time wisely, I work about trying to change to become more productive or just more fruitful in my time dedications. Like I said, I have been contemplative lately. I see areas where I have given probably too much of my time, and neglected other aspects of my life, other aspects that need to be fed and nourished. These parts currently neglected may produce big, healthy new fruit, or they may produce nothing at all, but I do feel the need to trim the tree. I feel like cutting back limbs that seem to no longer grow or blossom new flowers, so that other limbs can become stronger and healthier. Maybe I have just been spending too much time in my gardens (thus the analogy), taking off the dead in the hope that new growth will prosper.
Being the person one wants can only happen now and not later, not when one thinks a “better” time may exist down the road. There is no better time, no later date, only now. This has been a reoccurring thought in my mind lately. I am not seeking to “achieve” anything, but rather make an action of the day, the moment. I can often get lost in the thoughts of events, actions, and people of the past, as well as prospects for the future; sacrificing today trying to remedy the past and getting stuck in hoping for the future. The past is gone, it has been lived and is over and done with. The future is nothing more than a series of todays, so in essence the future is what you make it by what is done today.
Sometimes things just come up in the most unusual places at the most unusual times, but cannot be ignored. It can be as simple as breathing in the summer air, or going for a walk, but there is that nagging tug inside when you know that something must change. This requires a letting go and an acceptance. I often wonder to myself why I hold on to things (people or events) that have no meaning, no place inside me anymore. Is it comfortable? Does it make life familiar? I suppose in some ways it does, but comfortable familiarity isn’t always healthy. I think this is what I have been reflecting on most lately. It is easier to stay stuck and relive events over and over again. There is a rhythm and a repetition which becomes habitual.
My quest for reasoning is probably of no matter, but rather a desire for an understanding and an acting upon. I suppose this is just another layer of the onion. This may come across as unhappiness or sadness on my part which isn’t the case at all. I am very happy, and maybe that is the reason for the change. Often when I feel most secure, I find myself in an itchy skin. As if I am telling myself it is okay to grow out of one layer and start fresh with a new one. It is always unfamiliar and uncomfortable, but that is what growth is. I reflect on when I was a growing teenage girl going through a growth spurt. My bones would literally ache at night. Within a year I had grown 5 inches. I suppose growth in the soul can ache as well. It is never easy, but it is always worth it.
11/12/2008
Teaching an old dog new tricks
I can say with 100% honesty that I wear less makeup now than I did in High School, probably even Jr. High. Partly because it was the 80s, and partly because I thought I was suppose to wear a lot of makeup to be a woman. Most of the 90s I spent doing the exact opposite. On a "makeup day" I would wear mascara and lip gloss.
These days, however, I am noticing that women are wearing a bit more makeup. I am also getting older and find I need a bit here and there to cover up little things showing up on my face. The other day I saw a beautiful woman, and was taken by her eyes. I realized that she was wearing a good amount of eyeliner. The eyeliner and I have never been friends. I haven't had much luck with it. I usually come out looking somewhere between clown and someone that let a 3 year old have some fun drawing lines on her face. Seeing that woman, however, made me think I might be missing out on something. I wondered if I might be able to get the same effect.
I actually found some makeup guides on YouTube. Yes, you can learn how to apply all things makeup on YouTube. There are some great tutorials out there. I found that because of my brown turning green eyes, a plum shade eyeliner would look good with my eyes. I went out and bought an inexpensive stick and gave myself a test run, using the guidelines found in the tutorials. Here is the result:
Here I am as a bobble head ; )
Overall, I am pleased. It is not too much, but just enough to define my eyes. I don't have the courage yet to try something more dramatic for a more smokey look, but you never know. Maybe by the time I'm 40?
These days, however, I am noticing that women are wearing a bit more makeup. I am also getting older and find I need a bit here and there to cover up little things showing up on my face. The other day I saw a beautiful woman, and was taken by her eyes. I realized that she was wearing a good amount of eyeliner. The eyeliner and I have never been friends. I haven't had much luck with it. I usually come out looking somewhere between clown and someone that let a 3 year old have some fun drawing lines on her face. Seeing that woman, however, made me think I might be missing out on something. I wondered if I might be able to get the same effect.
I actually found some makeup guides on YouTube. Yes, you can learn how to apply all things makeup on YouTube. There are some great tutorials out there. I found that because of my brown turning green eyes, a plum shade eyeliner would look good with my eyes. I went out and bought an inexpensive stick and gave myself a test run, using the guidelines found in the tutorials. Here is the result:
Here I am as a bobble head ; )
Overall, I am pleased. It is not too much, but just enough to define my eyes. I don't have the courage yet to try something more dramatic for a more smokey look, but you never know. Maybe by the time I'm 40?
11/11/2008
Thanks
Thanks to all those that have honorably served this country. Thanks especially to my husband, to many of my family members, and to so many of my friends that have put this country and our freedoms first. Thanks to the families that have provided support for these selfless veterans. I thank them for the sacrifices they have made, and continue to make, for the lives we are so incredibly lucky to live.
11/07/2008
The Florida Wrap Up
Now that I am back home, I am reflecting on the last week in Florida. As is always the case, the trip went by much too quickly. The "reason" for the visit was my nearly 3 month old niece, Norah "the Bean." When I asked my sis the reason behind "the bean" nickname, she said it was due to all the bean chimichangas she craved while pregnant. Apparently, all those beans are still having aftershocks in Norah "Queen of Gasser."
I'll admit I haven't been around a baby in a long while. Most of my friend's kids are well out of the baby stage, but I think I did pretty well with her. I fed her, burped her, put her to sleep a couple of times, played with her and made her laugh and smile (I think I must have a goofy face), changed a good number of diapers (did stay away from the stinky ones best I could), and had an all over good bonding with the babe. Of course, she will have no idea who I am next time I see her. Such as it is with long distance family relations.
I also had a great time visiting with my mom and step dad, my sister and Joseph, Wasatch the bird, and Lucy the cat. My sister is quite the little mommy and adores her daughter. Norah is so incredibly healthy thanks to her attentive parents and grandparents. Vanessa dresses Norah in some of the cutest clothes. Who knew a 2 month old has so many options in fashion? I didn't.
As for Florida itself, the weather was actually cool. It was unexpected since I packed shorts and skirts. Instead, I had to constantly recycle the two pairs of pants I had brought. Florida hasn't changed at all from the last time I visited. Still flat and humid with a lot of old folk that can't drive worth a crap.
The travel home was a pain in the butt. Our plane broke down in Denver, so I didn't get home until 1 a.m.. The cold weather was a quick reminder that it was now November. Larry is Hawaii, so I had to find my car in a T-shirt and flip flops in 36 degree weather. I could've complained, but it woke me up for the drive home.
I miss my family and wish we could all be together living in the same city. I hold out hope that someday my wish might come true.
I'll admit I haven't been around a baby in a long while. Most of my friend's kids are well out of the baby stage, but I think I did pretty well with her. I fed her, burped her, put her to sleep a couple of times, played with her and made her laugh and smile (I think I must have a goofy face), changed a good number of diapers (did stay away from the stinky ones best I could), and had an all over good bonding with the babe. Of course, she will have no idea who I am next time I see her. Such as it is with long distance family relations.
I also had a great time visiting with my mom and step dad, my sister and Joseph, Wasatch the bird, and Lucy the cat. My sister is quite the little mommy and adores her daughter. Norah is so incredibly healthy thanks to her attentive parents and grandparents. Vanessa dresses Norah in some of the cutest clothes. Who knew a 2 month old has so many options in fashion? I didn't.
As for Florida itself, the weather was actually cool. It was unexpected since I packed shorts and skirts. Instead, I had to constantly recycle the two pairs of pants I had brought. Florida hasn't changed at all from the last time I visited. Still flat and humid with a lot of old folk that can't drive worth a crap.
The travel home was a pain in the butt. Our plane broke down in Denver, so I didn't get home until 1 a.m.. The cold weather was a quick reminder that it was now November. Larry is Hawaii, so I had to find my car in a T-shirt and flip flops in 36 degree weather. I could've complained, but it woke me up for the drive home.
I miss my family and wish we could all be together living in the same city. I hold out hope that someday my wish might come true.
11/02/2008
Memories of Halloween
Now that Halloween is over I can post some pictures. This year we did a corn maze and a Haunted House. The corn maze was a lot of fun, and doing it at night made it far more "halloweeny." Although they gave us a map, I am the type to take off and get lost in the maze. Larry, on the other hand, would repeatedly stick the map up into the air to try to read the directions with the reflected light from around the maze.
In a way, this event is a metaphor for who we are and how we work as a couple. Larry is very "plan" oriented, following the map to make the easiest, more thought-out choices and actions. I am more of "go by seat of my pants" kind of person. I could be found skipping, laughing and running around the maze. After a lot of time, and running around in circles, I would turn to Larry and ask him where to go. He would pull out his map and attempt to get us back on course. He has fun with me and my spontaneous behavior, and I get some much needed help and direction when the spontaneity leads me awry.
As far as the haunted house goes....we waited outside in line for about an hour. It was worth the wait if you can believe it. I am a screamer. Big, big screamer. I actually thought I would pass out from screaming so hard and running from chain saws. Have you ever had someone chase you in a dark corn field with a chain saw? It is not for the heart attack inclined. Larry thought I was absolutely hilarious. There was one point when I grabbed him by the coat and threw my 230lb husband in front of me to defend myself from a chain saw. He couldn't believe that I could toss him around. It's called adrenaline!
Halloween night was fun, but rather quiet. We normally get tons of kids, but I think because it was Friday, a lot of kids and parents did "group" things.
Mine is on the left and Larry's is on the right. I lost a tooth in the process.
In a way, this event is a metaphor for who we are and how we work as a couple. Larry is very "plan" oriented, following the map to make the easiest, more thought-out choices and actions. I am more of "go by seat of my pants" kind of person. I could be found skipping, laughing and running around the maze. After a lot of time, and running around in circles, I would turn to Larry and ask him where to go. He would pull out his map and attempt to get us back on course. He has fun with me and my spontaneous behavior, and I get some much needed help and direction when the spontaneity leads me awry.
As far as the haunted house goes....we waited outside in line for about an hour. It was worth the wait if you can believe it. I am a screamer. Big, big screamer. I actually thought I would pass out from screaming so hard and running from chain saws. Have you ever had someone chase you in a dark corn field with a chain saw? It is not for the heart attack inclined. Larry thought I was absolutely hilarious. There was one point when I grabbed him by the coat and threw my 230lb husband in front of me to defend myself from a chain saw. He couldn't believe that I could toss him around. It's called adrenaline!
Halloween night was fun, but rather quiet. We normally get tons of kids, but I think because it was Friday, a lot of kids and parents did "group" things.
Mine is on the left and Larry's is on the right. I lost a tooth in the process.
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