Free at last

I never really knew how exhausting my mother in law could be until today when I dropped her off at the airport. As she pulled away with her luggage, I jumped back into the car and sped off like I was in a NASCAR race. I know that sounds awful, probably because it is. I find myself utterly pooped and empty. She is a loving person with good intentions, but she cannot communicate well with others, demands all of your time for her own needs, and does not care whether or not you have an opinion or a thought that you may want to express.

My husband called me this morning with hope in his voice that we had a jolly good time together. My sweet adorable husband somehow convinced himself that his mom can change her ways. I, on the other hand, have come to conclusion that most people do not change their behaviors. Only your perception of who they are changes. I come from a long line of dysfunctional family ties (who doesn't?), and I have come to the conclusion that there is only one absolute truth for all of us. That truth is love; unconditional, beautiful, cleansing love. That is the only truth that I believe connects us all in our messy, imperfect lives. It is simple, and at the same time it is also the most challenging concept for most of us to understand. My mother in law is who she is, in all her glory and her pain, she is the person she is. I can either be frustrated that she doesn't change and overcome her flaws, or I can just decide to accept her and love her. I went through the same thing with my own mom. After all, who am I to demand perfection from others when I am imperfect in so many ways?

As I shared some of the happenings that took place over the last 48 hours, I could hear real anger coming from him, something that doesn't happen too often. I tried to explain that I did not have any expectations, and that I have come to accept her even if it is exhausting. But he still wants his mom to be all that he envisioned for his adult life. He also sees her as still perfect and lacking flaws. She is mom, not human. I tried to convey compassion to him, understanding where he is and the pain he must feel. It isn't easy letting go of expectations rooted so deep inside.

In the end, I did everything I could to make her stay comfortable and enjoyable. This was my choice to do even if it nearly killed me (okay so that might be a little dramatic). I have to live with myself and she with herself. Knowing I gave as much as I could is all I need to do. Accept and love, then move forward.
I once told my husband as he was becoming frustrated with a homeless person that was haggling him for money, "give if it is in your heart to do so, without judgement or need of control. What he does with the money is his burden, not yours." I think that same statement fits with the last couple of days. I did the best I could, and gave what I could. I can live with that.

*This song is one of those songs that I have loved for a long time. It is a very special song for me. I find the lyrics deep and meaningful, and he manages to ever so beautifully put music to the feelings in my heart. As I get older, the words carry more meaning for me. The comfort of knowing you are not alone and are loved no matter what you had to start out with.*