Lost Potential

I recently watched September Dawn. I have to say it was pretty damn awful. The acting sucked (I actually fast forwarded through a sobbing death scene because it was so hokey), and the story line was full of such blatant propaganda I lost count of how many times I rolled my eyes. Yeah, next time you see a Mormon give a fire and brimstone sermon let me know, that would be something to see. The sad part is that it had the makings of what could have been a great historical pioneer tragedy, but it got lost in trying to "expose" the Mormon church.

I know enough about the Mountain Meadows Massacre to know most of what took place, at least that which is published. The tragedy is in what happened to those innocent travelers, and how events played out. The movie lost that focus and instead spent most of the time trying to vilify Mormons. I could spend this time writing by going over the actual accounts that took place before, during, and after the massacre, but why do that when I have the Internet and amazing links that have already done all the work for me? The law department at the University of Missouri at Kansas City has an amazing site on the events that happened, documented accounts, actual testimonies and depositions, etc...., and no bias for or against the Mormon church.

So back the movie....I think as a Utah born and raised non Mormon gal, I could probably lower my standards and jump on the "those crazy Mormons" band wagon, but then that would just be unacceptable for me. I think the movie sucked pure and simple. The only part of the story that I liked had absolutely nothing to do with the real history. The story centers around a love story between a young Christian girl (from the Fancher Party) and a young Mormon boy. The reason I liked that part is because it reminded me so much of my own trying youth as....you guessed it....a young Christian girl dating Mormon boys. So that part of the story was okay, but as I said it had nothing to do with the actual history. I guess like Titanic, they had to build a story around something.

The Mormon church, as far as I can tell, is slowly starting to take some responsibility for what happened. They still defend that Brigham Young was not involved, and as there is no evidence (at least none that I am purvey to) to actually support his knowledge of and/or involvement in, I will have to stick on the side of evidence. Do I think there is a possibility that he was aware of what was happening? Well....all I have to do is look around today and see how much the church meddles into everything that does not agree with its doctrine. In fact, this last week the Governor announced he is again trying to get the liquor laws changed in the State (oh, and the guy is Mormon) so that we may be seen as more "normal" to outside business interests. KUTV, a local news channel, thought they would get their two cents in and I paraphrase "no liquor laws have been changed in the last 70 years without the consent of the church." Hummmm, this is 2008 and yet a theocratic government apparently still exists in the U.S. . So, do I think it is possible that Brigham Young may have had a hand in what occurred that day 150 years ago? Although I can't live here and not believe it's possible, I will have to stick with the evidence. In the end documentary evidence is sturdier ground to stand on than circumstantial, unless anyone can show me otherwise.

Save your money on rental fees and buy a book on the Mountain Meadows Massacre if you are interested in the history. The truly unfortunate aspect is that the people that were slaughtered that day should have been honored in this movie. They were martyred sure, but not honored. They deserved better than this.

Small Steps

This afternoon while I was downstairs vacuuming, I found myself constantly pulling up my jeans everytime I moved. I have gone from washing my jeans in cold and hang drying (so they don't shrink) to washing them in hot and drying them on high in the hopes that they would still be wearable. Today I took the waist band and rolled it over on itself in order to get them to stay up. I had finally had it.
I started to dig through my drawer; the dreaded drawer of old jeans that you gave up on ever fitting into again but still held out hope that someday.......yep, you know that drawer. I grabbed a pair of jeans that I bought 6 YEARS ago and had never worn. I bought them thinking they were the right size, got them home and couldn't get them over my hips. I remember wanting to slit my wrists (happy to not be in that place anymore) and was near tears. I have held onto them ever since. Like I said, holding out some hope.
Well, I put them on and........hello, big smile time!! I got them on!! I couldn't believe it! Talk about a reward for hard work.

(had to include a head shot, same jeans different lighting)

It probably comes across as bragging, but believe me I am not. I am celebrating! You have to understand the place I was in just a few years ago prior to my thyroid diagnosis. I have managed to make small changes in my life. A little bit here and there, no Jenny Craig, no Nutrisystem, just old fashioned hard work. The best part is how I feel, not how I look. I feel so good about what I have accomplished. There is nothing like success.....even in small steps.

Oh, and don't ask how much weight I have lost, I have no idea. I am going by how I feel, not by some number.

Sad but oh so true.....

Yep that's me alright, and that would be my husband as well.

Today's Pictures

I just got back from my run....4 miles whoooo!!!, and stopped in the yard to take some pictures of today's blooms. It has been rainy and cool today, so everything is popping slowly.
The picture at the top of my blog is me playing with the aperture. It is the inside of an iris. Lovely isn't it? All that intricate beauty just to attract the right pollinator. God is in the details that's for sure!







My post run glam look.....all natural, but oh so pleased!!! I wanted to document the occasion. The goofy looking one was taken at the same time, but I started playing with the exposure and contrast settings, and well.....voila!

The Pain of Urethane

Yes, you read that right. Last week while Larry was home, I asked him to help me sand and refinish our front door. It had been abused by the sun and weather the last few years and needed some TLC. I also wanted to stain it a nice brownish-red. To make a long story short, we attempted a general sanding followed by an oil based stain. The result was awful. We ended up having to sand it down to raw wood and then apply the stain I had wanted. Unfortunately, the day spent on the first, disastrous attempt, took up our finishing time. That was left to me to do.

I have never really enjoyed using urethanes because they have no give. What I mean by that is that there is no flexibility in using it. You make a mistake like a unnoticed drip, or left a gooey rub on the finish, you can't just wipe it out, you have to sand it down and start all over. Big pain in the butt. I felt like with the weather and hot sun, we needed a good protective finish for the door. The one that was specifically for sun and water protection was a spar urethane. I always read the directions carefully to make sure I am doing it correctly, and I have to say I am pretty happy with the results.



It came out rather lovely. This is after my second coat, and it has the nice shine I was hoping for. Both the stain and the urethane brought out the grain and knots in the wood. It is not perfect, at least not up close (is anything?). There were some tricky spots that were hard to get to when sanding. Those areas are a little scratched up, but one could also say it looks "antiqued." There is also a small drip that I missed under the door handle, but unless your looking for it, you can't see it.

I still have to do the trim around the door, which I am not looking forward to tackling, but when all is said and done I think I will be very pleased. The best thing about doing it is that I don't have to worry about the wood being protected for the summer. I can add a new layer of urethane every 1-2 years (so says the can) to keep its beauty.

My neighbors think I am nuts. One of them asked how I know how to do all this stuff. I am the Jack of all Trades type. I am a master observer. I can pick things up quickly. In addition, I don't get stuck in the his/hers roles. If I want to do something, then I will teach myself and do it. That is just the way I am. The desire has to be there first and foremost. Then the willingness to learn and try my best. That is pretty much my prescription for life really. I may discover I don't like doing it and won't do it again. I may decide I love it and will try and improve at it. Most of the time though, it is the learning and discovering that I love, not the mastering of the skill. I could really care less about how good I am at any given thing. Trying new things is what makes me happy. Varnish away.....

EWWWWWWWWWW!!!!

I think I want to puke now!! These pictures were in the Deseret News. Ah Polygamy.....ain't it a beautiful thing? Now I am wondering if any of my relatives engaged in such practices when settling this place. Ignorance is bliss. I would rather not know as this point.
More than anything I feel for these children. They have been brainwashed into thinking this is normal (to be married at 12 to a man that is 45). They don't even know this is pedophilia. It is amazing how one man can have so much control over others, and how people can give over their daughters as sexual slaves (polygamous marriage) to a MAN who CLAIMS to be of a "prophet" of God. Sick and sad.

"The worst thing you can do to a dogma is give it an empire."

Strange Dreaming

The morning of my birthday, I awoke to strong smell of roses/flowers while in between my conscious and unconscious mind. Of course, this led me to try and find out any kind of history regarding the smelling of flowers with no flowers present. Apparently, it is not uncommon to have this experience, especially after someone has died. The usual smell is that of the flowers at the funeral, or the deceased's perfume or cologne. Since I have not been to a funeral in years, I decided to probe further. I found that any number of occurrences might have happened: the Virgin Mary visited me, an angel visited me (specifically my Guardian angel), I received a premonition that someone I care for will die, or I had a stroke. I’m not Catholic, so I am not sure about the Virgin Mary (kinda don’t believe she was a virgin either....), definitely could go with the Angel visit, possibly the premonition (which frightens me), and as I still have control over my limbs and functions, I’m going to eliminate the stroke.

I spoke to Larry about it. I tried to rationalize my way through, pushing the brain and unconscious mind aspect. After all, just yesterday a study came out that proved when the left hemisphere of the brain is removed (or incapacitated), the feeling that remains with the right side is that of heightened religious experiences or euphoria. Does make one consider what the brain is capable of doing.
I can not all together remove the rational, scientific possibilities even within the events that I consider spiritual or even paranormal. God gave me a brain, I fully intend on using it. In the same breath, I can not remove the possibility of some supernatural event, nor do I believe that using my brain equates to loss of spiritual comprehension. I am not someone who can say without a doubt that because such an event is illogical and irrational, it does not exist. It seems so arrogant to think that way. If we understood everything about life, about our brains, about what happens to us when we die, and could explain the bizarre and intense connections we feel about those we love and are connected to, I might give the “it is irrational” gang a good listening to. As we aren’t even close to truly understanding the reasoning behind life, our experiences, and the purpose there of, I must leave myself open to any possibility. It is a fine line, the line between my rational, scientific mind, and that of my soulful, spiritual ways. The war raging inside my mind can be intense, but it only provides fuel for me to ask more questions. That is a good thing.

After talking to Larry, I decided that I had an angel visit me. I feel odd saying that, but if I am going to be honest with myself, I will have to admit to it. In fact, it was the first thing I thought of that morning. Then last night I had a bizarre dream. Not bizarre in that the dream was strange, but the information in my dream, the feelings in the dream. I am no Jungian, so I can’t necessarily read into my dreams for a particular meaning. Plus I also believe that most people look for the answers that they seek in their dreams. It is not always easy to stay unbiased when trying to analyze such things.
The dream had to do with an old friend of mine whom I have always felt close to even though I don’t really know him anymore. He just always seems to be with me somehow. That being said, I don’t normally dream about him. Last night I did. I recall sitting on a couch in what appeared to be a some sort of cabin. We were holding hands and looking into each others eyes. His children, and his wife were around, but behaving as if what we (he and I) were doing was not wrong or inappropriate. I don’t really remember what we said to each other except that we both said “I love you.” Not in the “I love you so take your clothes off” kind of love, but that deep, connected kind of love such as one has for a family member. We said it a few times, and it seemed really real. Like he was right there with me. It also felt like he was going away. Later in the dream, he, his wife and kids packed up a car and headed out for a road trip to Montana. I asked if I could take care of his animals (strange I know), and then I waved them goodbye.

I woke up a bit confused, wondering what it all meant. Was it just some psychological event of me making peace with an old friend and thereby saying goodbye, or what it some sort of premonition? With the flowers and now this, I am wondering. Is it a warning of a possible accident? I am starting to sound insane. I realize this. It is probably nothing but my active imagination coming out in a dream. It just seemed so real, his face, his eyes. It was as if he was sitting right next to me in the here and now.

What to do now? It’s not like I can just contact him and go, “don’t ask me why, but if you are going on a trip this summer, take extra precautions.” He would think I was nuts! I would think I was nuts! Like I said, it was probably just a dream, nothing more. At least I hope that is all it is.

It's not easy being green

As the rest of the world moves forward, so do I. At least I try. I have always been a bit of an environmentalist; had a green bent within my moral and ethical decisions. This recent mainstreaming of “being green” has only made my actions seem more relevant and has given me more options in living the life I want to live.

I have always been a recycler, tried to be aware of my consumption, buy organic when I can, drive a 30+ mpg car, live in the city to reduce my commuting needs, have a nice collection of reusable shopping bags, and try to limit the amount of beef I consume. I have decided to take my greeny tendencies a step further by purchasing green household products (detergents, soap, shampoo, and house cleaning supplies). I am weening myself of bleach based products. Sad to say such a thing. Do they have recovery groups for the bleach addicted? “Hi my name is Bindy and I am 3 weeks off the Bleach. It has been a struggle. I recently walked down the cleaning isle and found myself inhaling the flower scented bleach based shower cleaner, but thanks to you all, I walked past it and continued towards Seventh Generation.” Loud clapping and words of congratulation follow.

Okay that might be a bit dramatic, but you get the idea. I, like many of the female persuasion, have been brainwashed into thinking that if it smells like bleach it is clean, and no other smell will do. I have switched over to two main product lines (this wasn’t the intent of this post, but what the hell); Clorox has a new green product line that works great using natural plant oils, and Ms. Meyers cleaners. Ms. Meyers cleaners are pricey, but as they are so potent and concentrated (and smell like fresh flowers) you don’t need much to do a lot. In fact, today I just purchased my first laundry detergent and dryer sheets (getting off the Tide and Bounce) from Ms. Meyers. The laundry room smells like a lavender garden.
Okay back to the original plan for the post...
So I have been slowly making changes to how I live and clean my life. I have not noticed a negative in any of these changes....until Larry got home.

I had a coupon for some recycled toilet paper. I don’t have a real love of a particular toilet paper. Anything will generally do the job in my opinion. My big manly man of a husband however, is a Charmin man through and through. For him, there is no substitute. It must be Charmin! It is the one thing that I can give him crap for because, well......because I can! Although I knew this about my hubby, "Ms. Do Better" here bought the recycled TP anyway. Unsure of how the “softness” would play out, I got it home, used it, and quickly realized I was going to be hearing it from the big man when he got home for his visit.
Within moments of Larry arriving home last week, he sat down on the pot, and as I expected, “what the hell! What kind of toilet paper is this?” I cringed as his loud, booming voice declared his obvious dissatisfaction of my papier de la toilet selection. I cracked up laughing. I knew it! I explained to him the change in the TP and asked him to do it for the Earth, “your butt may not thank you, but the Earth will!” He growled at me, but let it go...for the moment.

The next morning, during breakfast, he got up from the table and stated, “excuse me, I must go sandpaper my ass now.” I just about choked on my muffin, and nearly wet myself laughing so hard.

I try and do the best I can; sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t, and sometimes it’s just damn funny!

Birthday Wishes

Yesterday I celebrated my birthday. It was a calm, relaxing day at home with my favorites. I had originally planned on trying something new and adventurous (my usual birthday request) like a balloon ride in Park City or hang gliding at the point of the mountain, but the weather was uncooperative to any outdoor joy rides. It has been a rainy week here in Salt Lake. Knowing the hot summer ahead, I can’t complain. I realize the gift that rain is living in a desert climate even if it impacted my birthday desires.

I awoke my birthday morning with a bizarre incident. I think I was dreaming, but not really sure what about, and suddenly out of no where the strongest smell of flowers came into my nose. The smell was so intense, so permeating. I think it was roses or a combination of roses with other flowers. I was somewhere between the dream and waking up (that place in between) and the smell was still so strong. I thought maybe I had left a window open and the fragrance came in from outside. Nope. Then I thought maybe Larry had set some flowers by the bed, but he was still asleep next to me. After a bit, the fragrance dissipated and I went back to sleep. I know it sounds strange, but I think someone or something(?) gave me flowers for my birthday. I have heard of things like that happening, and have some strange things happen to me before, but I have never had a smell so strong as this one. Crazy? Probably, but I don’t care. I suppose some neurologist could give me a million reasons for why I smelled what I did, but I doubt I would believe them. I just have a feeling about this one.

Larry started out my birthday with singing happy birthday to me, and giving me my present from him....


You think the man knows me? He bought it in Hawaii, and knowing him he put a lot of time and thought into buying it for me. The Turtle is significant to Hawaii, and it also means "family" to the Hawaiian people. I looks beautiful, but the meaning behind it makes it more special to me. I later opened my gifts from my mom. She added another charm to my charm bracelet and made me another beautiful quilt.

She is so talented. I am trying to convince her to start a quilt business. The woman has no confidence in herself!! I loved all the bright colors in this one. I decided to use it as a center piece in my living room and change the colors from drab beige to bright and light. That is more me anyway. I love colors.

For breakfast Larry made me waffles and a homemade fresh blueberry sauce. Mmmmm......yummy. We laid around the house all morning. Larry gave me 18 spanks on each cheek (which really hurt by the way), and then putzed around the house all afternoon. I planted some blackberry vines, blueberry, and current bushes. I love current jam, so I am am looking forward to making jam in the future.

We had planned on going out to dinner for my birthday, but as it was Sunday everyplace I like was closed. We came up with a quick "Plan B” and grilled some steaks and corn on the cob. The weather was cool, but perfect to sit out in the dark with candles and watch the clouds overhead.
Larry had made me a birthday cake per my request. I decided to pass on the gooey chocolate chocolate chocolate cake, instead asking for a Lemon Pound cake with a cherry compote. He did very well, and made it to perfection.


Around 10:30 we finally went in and did the dishes. I think I had worn Larry out because he crashed on the couch 30 seconds after he sat down. Poor guy. We went to bed and I snuggled up into him to get warm. He wished me a happy birthday again and kissed my face. We both fell asleep rather easily and happily. It was a great birthday, and a wonderful way to start a new year!

I was listening to a lot of music yesterday and Jack Johnson's Upside Down played. I felt it really painted a great picture of how I feel today and how I feel about my life. I included it on my playlist....enjoy!

My Cure

Last night I saw The Cure in concert. It was amazing and crazy loud. I think my head is still ringing this morning. I had a blast, and although The Cure is not his favorite band, Larry enjoyed himself as well.
I had purchased tickets to see The Cure last August for an October performance, but they rescheduled the concert for yesterday. It was not a great move in my opinion. They were nearly sold out in October, but because of the holiday weekend, there were a lot of empty seats. We showed up around 8:30, choosing to miss the opening act. After watching a few videos of this band I had never heard of, I knew that there wouldn't be a problem missing their performance. Right away I noticed that Larry and I stood out like sore thumbs. There is nothing like 40 year olds dressed in their best former Goth attire. Balding heads and expanding waistlines with red Mohawks and black, lace boosteias was enough to make me giggle. I left my Mohawk at home, along with my black eyeliner and combat boots (ha ha). I suppose not much has changed for me, the odd one at the party that didn't realize wasn't invited.

I have loved The Cure for many years, no....I guess it would be safe to say decades now. Robert Smith was just weird enough to peak my interest as a teenager. Oh the desperate anx of a brooding, artistic soul. Got to love it, at least I do. He came out on stage looking like he always had, crazy black hair with sloppy red lipstick. He is 49 now, and still has that youthfulness about him, but he also appears like this life he lives is a bit hard. That, and he has also put on a bit of weight.
He can still sing with as much passion as he always has, which is the important part. The opening song was Plain Song, and they covered just about every song I have ever loved. How many can say that? Usually most bands will leave out the one song you really wanted to hear because they are just tired of playing it. Not these guys! The crowd just went crazy at the sound of the first cord(s) of Just Like Heaven, Pictures of You, Lovesong, Lullaby, A letter to Elise, and many more. When they played Friday I'm in Love the crowd was louder than the band. It was totally awesome (sorry that's 1987 Bindy)!!

For me, it was nostalgia though and through. I also found myself frustrated at all the cell phones and Blackberries constantly up and taking photos. Call me old fashioned, but I actually miss the lighters. At least people were still focused on the music and the band, not getting the picture in the right lighting. The people in front of me spent more time taking and texting pictures than they did actually enjoying the music. I guess these days it is more important to show you were there, than actually enjoy that you are there.

Overall, it was a great night. I loved feeling the music beat through my chest again. I enjoyed screaming the lyrics until I became horse. I loved getting lost in the sounds and moving my body to songs that have so many memories. The best part about getting older is having memories to build a life on. The Cure is just one of the backdrops to the story of my life, and it is fabulous!

So what is my favorite Cure song? I love so many, I can't really name a "favorite." I will say the one that has stuck with me is Lullaby. I have loved that song since the first time I heard it on MTV (back when they actually played music). I was actually in a hotel in Idaho Falls with a girlfriend. She was visiting her boyfriend at college and I got stuck with the "friend" who thought he would be getting laid that night. Instead I disappointed him and watched MTV until I fell asleep.

Today's Pictures

Spring Blooms.....




Birthday Flowers from Hawaii....

Forgot to add this one

I actually think this is pretty cool with the pencil marks. I think it reminds me of the A-ha video.

And this one that I wasn't sure about posting, but what the heck. It is kind of cool and I think my hubby will like it :)


Okay, shows over. That was fun!

Goofing Off

Just got back from hiking and decided, "hey, why not take some totally amazing pictures of myself (ha ha)! Don't mind the rat's nest called my hair. Mind you I am looking down at the computer screen (it's in my lap), so gravity just isn't in my favor.

A Friday Night

Yesterday was spent mostly outdoors working in my gardens. I pulled weeds and moved this plant and that plant to different areas around the yard. Around 4:00 I left to go to Davis County, a community about 20 miles north of the city. I had signed up to volunteer at the Great Salt Lake Bird Festival representing the Nature Conservancy. My shift at the booth was from 5-7. It was also my first time volunteering with the Conservancy and I wanted to make sure I was there early. Figuring an hour would give me plenty of time to drive 20 miles, I would also be able to read up on what I would be talking to people about. As I got on the freeway, I found myself in an L.A. style traffic jam. I couldn't believe it, but figured it was only temporary until we got around the refinery. HA! Nope, I was stuck in traffic all the way to Farmington! It took me over an hour to go 20 miles! I was shocked!

All along the way, I kept seeing bulletin boards advertising new houses for sale. My first thought was, "so you too can also spend half your life sitting in traffic, but hey you got that new big box to live in!" There is no way in hell I would do that commute. They do have the Frontrunner (commuter train) running now, and by the looks of it (as it passed by me...twice) it is already full of passengers. By the time I actually arrived I was a half hour late. I felt bad. The booth was left empty, but fortunately it was the end of the day, so it wasn't that busy. I just couldn't believe that it took me so long to go so little mileage. I could have ridden my bike in less time. This kind of traffic was something I hadn't experienced since living in Southern California. I thought when I moved to Utah that things would be better. Sure I knew things had changed, the population had grown, but I also thought they would be smarter about how to deal with growth. Guess I was wrong.

The drive home was more enjoyable, noticing the last remaining lots of land that still had horses on them. The horses played and ran, still free and seemingly unaware of the stuccoed nightmares being built up right next to their haystacks. The sun was low in the sky, and the mountains looked beautiful with the snow still on the caps and in the dark crevasses. I came around the mountain and looked at the city. "What a beautiful place to live," I thought to myself. I only hope the greed and consumption doesn't destroy it.

Seeking what you cannot find

I am currently in the middle of a family drama. Over Mother's Day my mom and sister had, as the British would say, a row (rouw). I don't really want to get into specifics here because although they are important to my mom and my sister, the specifics aren't the real problem.

I have been a daughter and a sister listening to two people that I love go at each other all while trying to be detached. I refuse to take sides and get stuck in the middle. My hope is that, with time, they can overcome the pain and be loving towards each other once again. A lot of vicious words were spewed, and a lot of bridges burned. Neither are yet ready to just talk about the problems and I think that is okay, but I hope with time they can see each other for who they are.

I think the basis of what is happening is seeking something from the other that cannot be found. For whatever reason, they both seek a certain kind of approval from the other. I can just hear my sister right now telling me I don't know what I am talking about, but actually I do. I have been in these situations before. The anger comes because the other person cannot or will not "hear" you. Since they cannot hear you, they cannot (or will not) give you what you seek. In fact, I have been in this situation recently.
I sought out an old friend a few years ago, someone who I once adored. I had hurt him many years ago, and no matter what I did, what I said, or how many times I apologized, I could never get him to hear me. He chose to not respond, to not acknowledge, and he refused to talk with me. This frustrated me to no end. I felt like a child screaming at a parent that is ignoring the child (a personal favorite in restaurants). I felt pretty stupid. It made me angry and felt his treatment of me was cruel and unjustified. I kept thinking there has to be someway to get him to hear me, to acknowledge what had happened, and to hopefully forgive and move on. But there was nothing I could do or say. He was unwilling to listen or respond. I finally decided, for myself, that there was nothing more I could do. I had spent too much time wondering why he was being so hurtful, and why he seemed hell bent on making me suffer. No one can know what is in the heart of a person. I knew that I couldn't take back the pain I had inflicted, but I had done all I could do; I said I was sorry and that I loved him for who he was in my life, but it was time for me to leave the past behind me with or without his forgiveness. This was painful for me, and maybe that was his intention in some sort of way, but I was finally done.

What does this have to do with my mom and sister? There is a lot of baggage between them, a lot of past mistakes. The yelling and punishment comes from that baggage. "If you can't hear me, I will yell and hurt you until you start to listen." We are a vocal bunch, and pretty in your face. Unlike my friend, whose silence was cryptic, my family throws darts with words. It can be pretty painful. They are both seeking in the other a certain approval of who they are, love without conditions, to be really heard, and ultimately to be forgiven for past mistakes. They are both more alike then they will ever admit.

The only way they will ever overcome this hurt is to talk to each other, not yell and scream. They also have to listen to each other. I know I sound like some armchair psychologist, but as I said I have been through this before multiple times, I do know what is happening. If they can't or won't (there is that stubborn gene again) then they will never move forward with any kind of relationship. As in my situation, I found that I couldn't let myself care any more about an outcome, or the finality I desired. The pain became too much. When one gives up, there is no future and no place to go to. I would hate that to be the case for my mom and sister. After all they are mother and daughter, not just old friends.

I do believe with time they will begin to repair their relationship, and I will do what I can to help without getting in the middle. I have found that sometimes the best position I can be in is the voice on the other end of the phone, just someone to talk to, to be an ear and a voice of compassion and hopefully some reason.

Einstein vs. God

Belief in God 'childish,' Jews not chosen people: Einstein letter


Albert Einstein described belief in God as "childish superstition" and said Jews were not the chosen people, in a letter to be sold in London this week, an auctioneer said Tuesday.

The father of relativity, whose previously known views on religion have been more ambivalent and fuelled much discussion, made the comments in response to a philosopher in 1954.

As a Jew himself, Einstein said he had a great affinity with Jewish people but said they "have no different quality for me than all other people".

"The word God is for me nothing more than the expression and product of human weaknesses, the Bible a collection of honourable, but still primitive legends which are nevertheless pretty childish.

"No interpretation no matter how subtle can (for me) change this," he wrote in the letter written on January 3, 1954 to the philosopher Eric Gutkind, cited by The Guardian newspaper.

The German-language letter is being sold Thursday by Bloomsbury Auctions in Mayfair after being in a private collection for more than 50 years, said the auction house's managing director Rupert Powell.

In it, the renowned scientist, who declined an invitation to become Israel's second president, rejected the idea that the Jews are God's chosen people.

"For me the Jewish religion like all others is an incarnation of the most childish superstitions," he said.

"And the Jewish people to whom I gladly belong and with whose mentality I have a deep affinity have no different quality for me than all other people."

And he added: "As far as my experience goes, they are no better than other human groups, although they are protected from the worst cancers by a lack of power. Otherwise I cannot see anything 'chosen' about them."

Previously the great scientist's comments on religion -- such as "Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind" -- have been the subject of much debate, used notably to back up arguments in favour of faith.

Powell said the letter being sold this week gave a clear reflection of Einstein's real thoughts on the subject. "He's fairly unequivocal as to what he's saying. There's no beating about the bush," he told AFP.

I found this article to be a bit of an eye opener. I have often thought of Einstein as more of an agnostic type. It does make the "Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind" seem a bit off. I have to wonder if he wrote it at all, or was it at another time in his life? I suppose we all grow and change our views as we age (this was written 1 year before his death). Still kind of a shock to me. I have memorized that quote for many years, viewing it as a bridge between the worlds of faith and science. I suppose I also viewed him as that bridge over the ever deepening gap between them. I learn something new everyday.

Stubborn is as Stubborn does

Yesterday I was talking with my sister on the phone. We started talking about her boyfriend and his stubbornness. To paraphrase her, " he is about as stubborn as you are." Pardon? Okay I know I have the capacity to be stubborn, but I don't see myself as an old mule. I responded with, "why, am I that stubborn?" She laughed followed by a "Gesh! You are incredibly stubborn." Wow, okay. I guess I just don't see that I am that bad. Not to mention the fact that she is incredibly stubborn as well.

Later I talked to Larry and told him what my sister had said. I asked if he agreed with her diagnosis. "Yep, you are pretty stubborn. Once you get something in your head, you are unlikely to change." I replied, "so I am like a statue, unmovable?" "More like a mountain," he said matter of fact. "OKAY! Goodness. So I have a stubborn streak, I get it!" He laughed at me, "no, more like it's in your colors. There is nothing streakish about it." I laughed and then we discussed a few memorable episodes of me "digging in" that were rather laughable now.

The whole thing made me wonder how much stubbornness is too much. The definition(s) of stubborn is:

1.	unreasonably obstinate; obstinately unmoving: a stubborn child.

2.	fixed or set in purpose or opinion; resolute: a stubborn opponent of foreign aid.

3.	obstinately maintained, as a course of action: a stubborn resistance.

4.	difficult to manage or suppress: a stubborn horse; a stubborn pain.

5.	hard, tough, or stiff, as stone or wood; difficult to shape or work.

To be completely honest, it is just the way I have always been. I rarely see it as anything unusual, just a part of my personality. I guess all the family on my mother's side is about the same. Is it genetic? Can certain personality traits be passed down through blood? Is it nature or nurture? Probably a bit of both. I recently found out about some of my family genealogy on my mother's side. Apparently we are Irish (I thought we were Scottish) and German. Mix that with my father's side of Norwegian and Apache Indian, and I guess we have a large pot of very "stuck in the mud" folk. Difficult to manage or suppress. Yes, I could probably agree with that one.

My husband stated that he doesn't think I am intentionally being stubborn just to be difficult (thanks sweetie), but it is my unyielding independence that is the cause of most of it. I rarely, if ever, reach out to others. He said he has to beg just to offer help if he sees I am struggling. I guess I never saw it that way. My inability to receive help actually hurts him. I have always just seen myself as having to do it for myself, my way, and without assistance. I know that one of my hangups is the concept of needing others as a sign of weakness. Yes I will admit to that wholeheartedly. It is not something I am proud of or find boastful in any way. It is just the way I am. As Larry said, "unyielding independence."

I'm not sure how much stubbornness I can take away from myself. I am learning to understand I need to trust more and receive help when offered. It isn't easy for me, but I understand it. Other than that, I am not sure I am ever going to change. I guess I am like a horse that is unbreakable. Too be honest, the whole concept of "breaking " a horse bugged me. Just let them be I say. Guess I know where that comes from.

P.S. I know that my list of Keywords under my pic states that I am stubborn and combative. Funny thing, I actually borrowed those Keywords from a description of traits of Scorpio Moon, Scorpio Asc. people (as I am). I felt they were pretty accurate (although I did leave out the sex, sex, and more sex aspect of my charts).
*She is full of contradictions. She is original, tending to the eccentric, violent, headstrong, impatient and irascible. She fights to the bitter end to overcome hurdles, and has the strength to overcome them.* Maybe there is something in the stars after all.

Pink rained on Salt Lake this morning

I awoke at 6 a.m. and grumbled that I didn't want to get up yet. My mind ran through all the things I had to get done before the race this morning. Yep, I've got to get up. I arrived at the Union Pacific building at 7:30 and it was a mad house. I had already pre-registered, but needed to get my number and my much anticipated T-shirt. I stood in line while everyone around me complained at the lack of organization. I was just happy to be there.
I put on my number and my T-shirt (I didn't really want to wear another shirt, but I didn't want to walk back to my car either), and made my way down to the rainbow of pink balloons. The organizers asked everyone to start making their way to the line. I was already there, so I was in the front. Not really a great idea unless your a fast runner, as I found out. I stretched in line thinking we would heading out soon. The woman on the microphone yelled out some motivational sayings followed by, "we'll be starting in about 25 minutes now." 25 minutes!! I am not someone who can stand still for that long. What am I going to do for 25 minutes? Not a whole lot. I just stretched, jogged in place, watch the police officers deal with traffic, and watch cheerleaders from the local high schools (my alma mater included) do cheers thinking to myself, "was I really that young and goofy?"
Finally the countdown began and the woman yelled "Go!,' but forgot to pull the trigger on the gun until about 3 seconds after we all started running. As I was in the front few rows, I believe I was also filmed by a local news station. The camera was sitting on the ground looking up at me when I left the starting line. Guess I'll find later....maybe.

The first mile for me is always the hardest. You would think it would be the last, but for me it's always the "getting started" phase that I struggle with. The route was fairly flat with a small hill just before we turned to head back. The second mile was much easier, and the third was a breeze. I was actually surprised by how many people were running the race. A lot of people would run and then walk, run then walk. But overall, I was impressed with the number of runners. I believe the number of people doing the race was about 10,000, but can't be certain. I had no idea where I fell in with everyone else. I believe I was in the middle of the pack, but near the front. As we finished, we came around the Gateway (too bad "Ms. Babylon in Zion" chick wasn't here this weekend to see what real Utah women do) and finished up in a clog of people, both runners and supports. The place was crazy! I finished my 3.1 miles in 36.37 minutes. Not bad, not great, but I'm happy with it. Gives me a place to start from when trying to improve my time. This was the first time I have actually timed myself. I would like to get that down to 30 minutes.
While I was drinking my water and eating my banana, a girl came up to me and gave me a flyer for anther run for the American Heart Association. Hummmm.....I'm beginning to believe this is a start of beautiful friendship.


Update on May 11th: Actual participants in the race was 17,000. Guess I was way off.

Speaking of babies

I just got back from my run today. I decided to run at Liberty park just to switch things up a bit and to prepare myself for tomorrow morning. While at the park I went camera crazy over all the little babies that have recently hatched. There were so many goslings and a number of ducklings. I had a blast just watching them and their parents. It must in the air this time of year.

Babies on the Brain

I am turning the dreaded 36 in a couple of weeks (dreadful only in the biological clock way). This has made me think about my ability to have a child if I so chose to, if it is still possible. I told myself that when I turned 36 I would make the decision to either go for it, or to choose to not have a child of my own. Well here I am staring at the big numbers 3 and 6, and am no closer to a decision than I was a year ago, 5 years ago, or 10 years ago for that matter.
I love children, I love babies, and I have a natural rapport with them. When I worked at a private school, I did aftercare with the little ones. After my normal school day, I would come into the play room, about five of them would run and jump on me...literally. Imagine me with a couple of 5 years olds dangling off me yelling, "Ms. Bindy, Ms. Bindy come play with us." It was then that I knew I needed to work with children. How many people out there can connect with kids so easily? Probably not many.
I speak to babies the same way. Recently I was at the airport doing my own thing, reading my book, and as a women walked by I looked up and saw the baby she was holding. She was carrying it in a way that allowed the baby (couldn't tell the sex) to look around. The baby made eye contact with me, and smiled at me with the biggest smile, it almost made me laugh. I smiled back, and we continued eye contact all the way down the hall until I couldn't see it anymore. This happens to me a lot. I have had mothers literally rip their baby out of my arms because I was able to get it to calm down when they couldn't. As if my getting them to calm down was some sort of statement about their ability to mother.
So there is no doubt that I enjoy children, but enjoying children is much different than raising children. At the end of the day, I get to come home to my quiet, calm home and they go to their home. I sometimes think having kids would make working with them less enjoyable. It would be too exhausting.

I do think about being pregnant and having our child and how special that would be, then I think about the morning sickness, the aching boobs, the swollen feet, and then there's the whole pushing a watermelon out my pachanga, followed by endless sleepless nights, and smelly diapers. But when I think about the smell of a baby's head or the smile on its face when it looks at its parents, the eggs that I have left inside my ovaries start popping like popcorn in a popcorn maker. I guess I have a wee, tiny, little baby bug, but I also am very aware of who I am, what I am capable of and not capable of.
I am very capable of loving...maybe too much. I can be very over protective, a little smothering, overly worried, and am generally all or nothing. I'm either in it full fledged or not at all. These, in my opinion, are not the best qualities for great parenting because it could make me nuts, not to mention what it would do to my husband and the child.

As most couples we know, they got married because they wanted to have children. It was a big part of being married. Larry and I were very different. We are together because we want to just be together for the companionship. Having children was never part of the equation. In fact, a lot of the couples that married and then started having children aren't nearly as close with each other as Larry and I are. They are "mom" and "dad" and that is essentially what their marriage is. I am not saying it is a bad way of living, it is just not the way Larry and I wanted to live. I was also not raised to believe that the only worthwhile venture as a woman was to be a mother. As I stated earlier, I can "mother" lots of children, not just one or two. I am maternal without having children.
I believe that in my thinking process I am very rational about all the reasons why having a baby does or doesn't makes sense. It does change everything about your life, both in good and in bad ways. I think having a child is one of the few choices we get to have that can never be reversed. There are no take-backs. I also understand that compared to most, I think about the choice a lot more. But I do this in most everything in my life. My choices have to make sense to me, not to everyone else. My reasons have to come from a place within me that only I can trust.

I don't know what will happen. I do know that I could be perfectly happy on my current course; living my life with my husband and animals, being free to live and do as we wish when we wish to do it. It would be rich and rewarding. Having a child would also be rich and rewarding in a completely different way. In both lives there are sacrifices and rewards.
As my mother would tell me, "you just think about it too much, you just need to do it and get it over with." Some may agree with her, but that isn't me, that isn't how I act.
So where is the other half on the subject? Yeah him....I guess he would be part of the whole thing too. Well he is generally mum on the whole thing. Like me, he could be happy either way. I think he would like to be more settled in the career bit (he is not even living here right now), but generally I think he would love to be a father.

I guess turning 36 has brought a bit more out of me than I thought. I guess the alarm has sounded and now I have a choice to make. What's it going to be? I have no friggen idea!

Donnie Darko

I have become rather disinterested with television. The programming sucks, and the networks are completely lost on me and my generation. I have turned to enjoying my Netflix subscription more and more. Lately I have been picking strange movies for no other reason than it has to be better than what is on television. For the most part, I have found success in my selection. Yesterday I received Donnie Darko. I couldn't recall why I had chosen this movie, and had no idea what it was about. It was released in 2001 which seems like a lifetime ago to me. I stuck it into the DVD player and began to watch the movie. Right off I thought, "this is going to be weird." It was weird indeed, but it was also very interesting in a time-travel, schizophrenic, plane engine falling through your house, man dressed in a bunny suit kind of way. There was something about it that kept drawing me in. In the end, I actually enjoyed the strange story and the fact that I had to ask myself what it was about. Having to ask yourself what the movie was about is a good thing. It means they didn't tell you in the first 5 seconds of the show.
The movie is rated R; however, outside of about 3 F-bombs there is no other reason this movie received an R rating. Oh, and the soundtrack is pretty good too. I found some of the songs and included them on my playlist.

I couldn't really find a good way to review it so I found this review on scifimoviepage.com.

Description: Jake Gyllenhaal (October Sky) stars as Donnie, a borderline-schizophrenic adolescent for whom there is no difference between the signs and wonders of reality (a plane crash that decimates his house) and hallucination (a man-sized, reptilian rabbit who talks to him). Obsessed with the science of time travel and acutely aware of the world around him, Donnie is isolated by his powers of analysis and the apocalyptic visions that no one else seems to share. Amazon.com

Early on in Donnie Darko we see a character reading a Stephen King novel. This is a good indication of what is to come: Donnie Darko is the sort of thing Stephen King might have written before he started regurgitating his old material ad nauseam, something he has easily done for the past 15 years or so. That is, if Stephen King grew obsessed with metaphysical issues regarding what constitutes reality.

The director of Donnie Darko described his movie as The Catcher in the Rye as written by Philip K. Dick, which is pretty accurate I suppose. It's about a teenager growing up in the late 1980s (1988 to be exact), who is warned by five-foot giant bunny rabbit named Frank that the world will come to an end within the month.

The teenager (the titular Donnie Darko) might be schizophrenic it is hinted: ominously he stopped taking his medication and he is seeing a shrink. Is the bunny rabbit (a truly scary figure - not to be confused with any preconceptions of cuddly bunny rabbits you might have) real? Is the world really coming to an end? Or is Donnie just loosing it?

Within ten minutes of any movie nowadays one has a pretty good idea of how it will end. Not so with Donnie Darko, which builds up unbearable tension slowly and surely. One has a feeling of how it would be resolved, but isn't exactly sure. It is building up to something, but what exactly that would be isn't quite clear.

"Quite simply the best science fiction movie since 1998's Dark City . . ."

When the end does come around it is unexpected and, to be honest, a bit of a cop-out. The last movie I saw with such a frustrating ending was David Lynch's surreal Mulholland Drive. Despite this, the point remains that unlike most of today's movies, Donnie Darko is truly unpredictable, weird and gripping. The less one knows about the plot beforehand the better. Someone, who watched the movie with me, had only one word to describe it: "bizarre."

Which is probably the reason that Donnie Darko didn't do particularly well at the American box office. Director Robert Zemeckis (of Back to the Future fame, a movie referred to in Donnie Darko coincidentally) recently admitted in reviews that the trailers for his movies - specifically What Lies Beneath and Cast Away - gave away the endings because audiences said they preferred to know beforehand what is going to happen. I suppose this is the equivalent of ordering a burger at McDonald's: you know what you're going to get, even if it is bland and unappetising.

If you don't always want to know what you're going to get and like to be surprised occasionally, then check out Donnie Darko today: it is quite simply the best science fiction movie I have seen since 1998's Dark City and the best horror flick since The Others . . .

This movie disappeared without a trace at the American box office in October last year, which is a shame. Donnie Darko has all the signs of a cult movie in the making however: the On-line Film Critics Society nominated it as one of their top 100 sci-fi movies of all times recently and general Internet buzz is strong.

When people are talking about this movie years from now the way they are going on about Blade Runner or Twelve Monkeys today, don't say that I didn't warn you . . .

Oh Lordy....

I read this in the Tribune's Opinion Page, I think I may have burst my gut laughing so hard:

Mannequin Spoils Outing

Article Last Updated: 05/04/2008 11:36:30 PM MDT

During a visit to Salt Lake City, just blocks from Temple Square at the Gateway Mall, I was aghast to see in the Victoria Secret's display window a sexually positioned mannequin dressed in skimpy black underwear with garters and black stockings. I credit them for not including whips and chains, but the implication was surely there for the world to see - including small children and teenagers. A nice little Mormon family outing turned into a lesson on immorality with an explanation to my kids why they should wear their temple garments after they are endowed in the temple.
Why should I be exposed to that lewdness unless I choose to walk into the store? At least then I can walk out if I am offended, but please, don't throw it in my face. It is sad to see that Babylon prospers so well in Zion, and that apparently no one cares enough to protest the perils of pornography. Well, I'm standing up to protect children from exposure to it.
In my childhood, the public was sheltered from inadvertent exposure to pornography by the use of brown protective wrappers on magazines. What a concept! I live in the country and I don't get out much. Thank goodness.

Kathleen Roberson
Dove Creek, Colo.

What I find amazing is that this woman felt the need to write the paper and shake her finger at those of us that shop at The Gateway, shop at Victoria Secrets, or even think about sexy underwear. Her obvious conclusion that those not wearing the "endowed" undies must be engaging in daily orgies whilst screaming, "the garter belt made me do it!" A Mormon outing? What is that exactly? I am perplexed as to the difference between a Mormon outing, a Presbyterian outing, a Catholic outing, or just a simple family outing (you know, one without religious hangups)?

Babylon?? Really? This chick needs to get out more. Obviously this woman lives under a rock (or in a compound), and that rock is still on a hill residing in some sort of time warp where people still find it to be a sin to look at a woman's elbow, let alone touch it.
Welcome to the 21st century Ms. Roberson! We women embrace our sexuality, love feeling sexy, and even....hold your breath.....enjoy having sex!!! I suppose in her eyes that makes the likes of me immoral, or at least feminist! Oh no!!! Guess I will be down in Hell with the rest of the thong wearing, bra lifting, lacy nightie She Devils!!!

As my aunt so eloquently stated to a local religious leader, "if people like you are the examples of what it takes to get to heaven, I'll take Hell any day!"

Tease

Last Friday my husband decided to catch a flight home for the weekend. Saturday morning I picked him up from the airport and have been on a high ever since. It was one of those perfect weekends, the kind you never forget. We were so happy doing everything together. The weather was the perfect kind of Spring weather that played with all your senses; smell, taste, sound, and sight.

Saturday we went running together and then to a movie. I stopped off at a bookstore and found a great cookbook. We picked out a couple of recipes for a Sunday barbecue, went shopping, and spent Sunday preparing and cooking. On the menu was a Kansas City dry rub, barbecue sauce, grilled chicken legs, a Kansas City potato salad, and a Asparagus Apple salad with blue cheese vinaigrette. I love to cook, but I have found that my true love of cooking comes in whom I cook for, namely my husband. I know it sounds strange, but I just love cooking with him and for him. Otherwise I generally find little satisfaction in preparing a nice meal just for myself.

Monday we ran again and then spent the day working in the yard. When Larry decided to come home, I didn't want him to feel there were things he "had" to do for me or the house. Sure there are always things that could have been worked on, but nothing pressing. I think I succeeded in letting him just be home and not feel like he had to do anything. He did want to work in the yard however. He wanted to mow the lawn and edge, turn on the sprinklers, etc..., so I just sat back and let him do what he wanted to do. For dinner we had leftovers with some steamed New Orleans style shrimp. After dinner, we came inside and watched Sweeney Todd (great movie) while I baked a Peach Blueberry Cobbler. Larry was a very happy man (and maybe a few pounds heavier)!

This morning we had breakfast together and did some laundry. I drove him to the airport, and as we said goodbye we held on to each other just a little longer than normal; both feeling that these separations are becoming more and more difficult these days. On my way home, Larry called me to tell me that he got a seat on the plane and also to say thank you. Thank you? Really? Apparently he had a really nice time and loves our life, our home, and being together. A sentiment I wholeheartedly agree with.