Seeking what you cannot find

I am currently in the middle of a family drama. Over Mother's Day my mom and sister had, as the British would say, a row (rouw). I don't really want to get into specifics here because although they are important to my mom and my sister, the specifics aren't the real problem.

I have been a daughter and a sister listening to two people that I love go at each other all while trying to be detached. I refuse to take sides and get stuck in the middle. My hope is that, with time, they can overcome the pain and be loving towards each other once again. A lot of vicious words were spewed, and a lot of bridges burned. Neither are yet ready to just talk about the problems and I think that is okay, but I hope with time they can see each other for who they are.

I think the basis of what is happening is seeking something from the other that cannot be found. For whatever reason, they both seek a certain kind of approval from the other. I can just hear my sister right now telling me I don't know what I am talking about, but actually I do. I have been in these situations before. The anger comes because the other person cannot or will not "hear" you. Since they cannot hear you, they cannot (or will not) give you what you seek. In fact, I have been in this situation recently.
I sought out an old friend a few years ago, someone who I once adored. I had hurt him many years ago, and no matter what I did, what I said, or how many times I apologized, I could never get him to hear me. He chose to not respond, to not acknowledge, and he refused to talk with me. This frustrated me to no end. I felt like a child screaming at a parent that is ignoring the child (a personal favorite in restaurants). I felt pretty stupid. It made me angry and felt his treatment of me was cruel and unjustified. I kept thinking there has to be someway to get him to hear me, to acknowledge what had happened, and to hopefully forgive and move on. But there was nothing I could do or say. He was unwilling to listen or respond. I finally decided, for myself, that there was nothing more I could do. I had spent too much time wondering why he was being so hurtful, and why he seemed hell bent on making me suffer. No one can know what is in the heart of a person. I knew that I couldn't take back the pain I had inflicted, but I had done all I could do; I said I was sorry and that I loved him for who he was in my life, but it was time for me to leave the past behind me with or without his forgiveness. This was painful for me, and maybe that was his intention in some sort of way, but I was finally done.

What does this have to do with my mom and sister? There is a lot of baggage between them, a lot of past mistakes. The yelling and punishment comes from that baggage. "If you can't hear me, I will yell and hurt you until you start to listen." We are a vocal bunch, and pretty in your face. Unlike my friend, whose silence was cryptic, my family throws darts with words. It can be pretty painful. They are both seeking in the other a certain approval of who they are, love without conditions, to be really heard, and ultimately to be forgiven for past mistakes. They are both more alike then they will ever admit.

The only way they will ever overcome this hurt is to talk to each other, not yell and scream. They also have to listen to each other. I know I sound like some armchair psychologist, but as I said I have been through this before multiple times, I do know what is happening. If they can't or won't (there is that stubborn gene again) then they will never move forward with any kind of relationship. As in my situation, I found that I couldn't let myself care any more about an outcome, or the finality I desired. The pain became too much. When one gives up, there is no future and no place to go to. I would hate that to be the case for my mom and sister. After all they are mother and daughter, not just old friends.

I do believe with time they will begin to repair their relationship, and I will do what I can to help without getting in the middle. I have found that sometimes the best position I can be in is the voice on the other end of the phone, just someone to talk to, to be an ear and a voice of compassion and hopefully some reason.