Today I went out to lunch with a childhood friend. It was surreal and nostalgic but also comfortable. Tamera and I have known each other since Jr. High. I always remember Tamera as confident, outgoing, with a no-holds-barred kind of attitude. She would definitely tell me what she thought, and I admired her for that. While we were talking I got see her in a new "confident adult, loving mom, career woman" light. She still has that exuberance that she always had, and that laugh that is hard to forget. She also still does things with her hands when she talks. She managed to take a straw wrapper and wrap it into a perfect little ball. I had forgotten about her playing with stuff with her hands when she would talk to me in class......until this afternoon.
I will admit that by my senior year of high school I was beyond ready to leave and move on to greener pastures. I wanted to shed off high school and let the person waiting inside come to the surface. As such, I did a major brain dump after graduation. I did the ever so cliche, "put it behind me and never looked back." I didn't realize how much of my youth I had forgotten until I started doing this Facebook business. I had even started thinking I wasn't going to bother with the 20 year reunion because no one would remember me anyway. Talking to Tamera, I was almost sad because I realize how many memories I have let go of; both the good and the bad. She had said that she remembered me as always being nice to her, and that by the end she could see that I was struggling, struggling to be who I was. Even she knew I wasn't happy in the skin I was in, that I was hiding myself and who I was. I find it frightening to know how easy I am to read. I obviously was then and still am now.
The road since high school has been bumpy and at times very confusing for me. I think I spent a lot of time in rest stops along the way just trying to understand were I have come from, where I am going, and if where I am headed represents the real me. I see the girl I was more vividly after my visit with Tamera today. It is like seeing Tamera made me see myself. I think this has been very good for me. I have kind of lived my life hiding from my youth. There are many reasons for that, many I don't want to get into right now, but I can't deny I have spent a lot of time running.
I heard it said that one can't really move forward until amends of the past are made. I understand this more clearly these days. How can you really know who you are if you don't see where you came from? Maybe most people do, but I think I have become detached in a way. Visiting with so many friends from my past I am beginning to put the pieces together, and be okay with who I was back then and who I am today. There are many good memories that need to be remembered, and having good friends to relive them with makes the past a pill much easier to swallow.
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Exploring my own Backyard and Beyond
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Favorite Quotes
"Success is not the key to happiness.
Happiness is the key to success.
If you love what you are doing,
you will be successful."
- Albert Schweitzer
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.
- Mark Twain
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won’t feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
-Used by Nelson Mandela in his 1994 inaugural speech
Happiness is the key to success.
If you love what you are doing,
you will be successful."
- Albert Schweitzer
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.
- Mark Twain
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won’t feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
-Used by Nelson Mandela in his 1994 inaugural speech
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3 comments:
I loved reading this post because in so many ways I feel the same way. I have also worked hard at putting everything from High School (and Jr High) behind me, and eagerly moved forward trying to mold myself into someone better.
It's just been recently that I've realized that my past helped shaped who I am today...and that I had (and still have) many good friends and things to learn from the people who have come into my life.
I totally agree with you, there ARE so many good, happy memories that need to be remembered.
Isn't it so crazy how something like "facebook" has stirred up so many feelings and memories???
By the way...I am really excited about meeting up with you once you return from California! :)
know...it has completely taken me by surprise. Memories are sometimes tricky things. I think sometimes we remember things the way we want to remember things (and people) and maybe not what is actually true.
Like you said, our past shapes us and gives us that foundation of who we will become, and by denying that we also deny who we are today.
I don't think I realized it until I got in touch with people from my past like you.
I am looking forward to our get together too!
It's funny even now to hear what you notice and remember vs. what I do! I really enjoyed our lunch and being able to speak freely with someone who was there along the journey with me. Just keep in mind that we are all just a work in progress, and while the experiences in the past do shape who we are today, we don't have to be defined by the choices that were made by our teenage selves. You have accomplished so much with school and I truly admire you. We all did things when we were young that we have to make peace with, we all had friendships that we regret letting fall by the wayside, etc. You are an intelligent, vibrant young woman and I am just happy to be back in contact with you now.
You are correct - My hands are always busy! Can't wait to get together again soon.
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