Part 3

Samantha Marks had just moved back to town a few months ago. When she left all those years ago, the last thing she would have ever guessed was that she would find her way back here. In some ways it seemed new to her, in other ways it brought back old feelings she had thought she had left behind. This morning she got up early for her run. It was becoming warmer outside and she wanted to see the sun rise up over the hills.
It hadn't been easy for her to come back. Nothing had quite worked out the way she had intended. The house she had decided to rent was not available when she arrived. The landlord had decided to sell without notifying her. The job she had been promised suddenly disappeared and was given to someone with half her experience. Overall, it was hard for her not to think that she had just made the biggest mistake of her life. But mornings like this where the 100 year old Maple trees lining the street were beginning to leaf, the air was crisp and cool, and the color of the sky in the early morning light reminded her of why she came back to this town.
As she rounded the corner, her thoughts turned to the email she sent last night. Slight regret had begun to present itself. She knew he wouldn't reply. After all, the last time they spoke he hung up on her in the middle of a conversation and she never heard from him again.
Many times she would ask herself why she even cared anymore. His life was so different from hers. He was married now, with four kids. She was never the type to hold on to old relationships, especially those that had no where to go.
Her pace picked up and her breathe increased. She turned right and went up the hill toward the old McClellan house. She loved that old house. It had so much character and charm. "Why don't they build houses like this anymore?" she mumbled in between breaths.
She got to the top of the hill and stopped to catch her breath. She stood bent over with her hands on her knees, gasping. She took notice of the old Victorian, the woodwork, the arches, and the delicate panels colored in a bright yellow. She stood up and turned around to make her way back down the hill.
Ever since the day they met there was something special about their relationship. Sam had a lot of friends back then, and she was always out to have fun and socialize. But James had become the one person among them all that she could really trust. He was quirky, creative, dark and deep, extremely passionate and sometimes moody, but to her he was kindred spirit. He knew her backwards and forwards, inside and out. She remembered spending days with him, skipping school. They would wander off together finding their way into empty churches and old buildings. He would take photos, and she would talk to him about anything and everything. He just listened. She shared things with him that she had never told anyone. The depth of her feelings for him only got deeper with time. Sam knew it was those feelings that she could never really let go of, and why it was that every few years they seemed to somehow enter into each others lives.
TBC....

Aloha......Not

Yes, I am suppose to be on a plane headed to the sunny island of Oahu. Thanks to Delta overbooking all their flights, and an apparently large number of Spring Breakers, my flight had 1 seat with 58 non-rev (employee of the airline) passengers fighting over it. The writing was on the wall. I guess I will try again tomorrow, and then Saturday, and hope to get something. To make it worse, my husband said the Humpbacks were all around the island. I almost started crying. I am anxious to see them before they head North for the summer.

On the plus side, my medication finally seems to be kicking in (Thyroid meds). It really did take 3 weeks before I could really see the difference. For the last countless years, I have been killing myself with exercises and watching everything that went into my mouth. Some days I would eat less than 500 calories (very bad to do). But it didn't seem to matter. I couldn't lose any weight. Over the last 3 weeks I have gone down a size, my waist alone is down 2 inches, and with all those countless crunches I am actually starting to show abdominal muscle! I know this may sound trite to most, but for me it comes down to overall health and well being. High Cholesterol, High Blood Pressure, Diabetes, liver disease, obesity, and depression run in both sides of my family. I have to be on top of it, and I feel good knowing that things are finally working the way they are suppose to. Talking to my mom, knowing what she has been through the last 3 decades with no help from countless doctors and specialists, I am amazed with what she put up with. She can finally get the help she has needed for so long. My view of her has completely shifted. She is truly an amazing lady.

Other good news....
My sister just got a huge promotion at her work as well. She is now the Zone rep for her company. She will be doing a lot of travelling, which will be great for her. Congrats Ness!

Things are good, and I couldn't be happier for the people in my life. Now if I could get my butt to Hawaii!!

Side note.... After many late nights, I am getting my stations the way I want. I have a lot of shared stations, but 4 are mine. I think I was trying too hard before and then getting frustrated. So now I just sit back and listen to the music and adjust as needed.

The Lunch Date (part 2)

Samantha Marks. Her name brought butterflies to his stomach.

The email read:
James,
Yep its me. Blast from the past. How are you doing? I hope you don't mind me writing you at work. Carolyn gave me your info (you know what a blabber mouth she can be). I just moved back to town. I would love to get together and catch up on life.
Let me know if you are available.
Love, Sam

That was it. He hadn't spoken to her in over 8 years, and she just pops in like no time had passed. He sat back in his chair reading the email over and over again. He closed his eyes remembering the first time they met.
Mrs. Archer's 8th grade Art class. James had always kept to himself, drawing and painting whatever came to mind. Art wasn't just a class to him, it was his passion. Most days he would come into class, open his sketchbook and start drawing. Sam was more of a chatter box, always talking and laughing with her friends. James would often find himself looking over at her. Watching her talk, her lips move, the way her hair sat on her shoulders, he began to draw her, parts of her. First it was a knee, then her lips, an ear, and then it was her eyes. Within a few months he had pages full of her.
One day, as he was again busy drawing in his sketchbook, she came up to him and asked if she could borrow one of his colored pencils. "Do you mind if I borrow your grey?" He looked up at her face staring down at him. He couldn't think of what to say. He just sat there and shook his head. "Great! Thanks! I promise I will bring it right back." She spun around and went back to her friends. A few minutes later, she came back and gave him his pencil back, but instead of leaving to go back to her friends, she grabbed the chair next to him, pulled it out, and sat next to him. "You kinda keep to yourself, don't ya?" she stated matter of fact. "Uh....well yeah, I guess so" he stammered. "Can I see your drawings?" she began to reach for his sketchbook. "No." he surprised himself when his had came down on the book. "Oh...Okay" she replied. She started to talk about Mrs. Archer and the most recent project assignment. He just sat there, staring at her, watching her lips move. He remembered the faint smell of bubble gum lip gloss....
"Knock knock, you awake?" his assistant had walked into his office. Her voice made him jump out of his skin. "Yeah, I'm awake" he said. "Good, we are having a meeting on the Harrison project in 5 minutes" she said. "Thanks, I'll be there." She walked out of the office. He stared again at the email. He slowly reached for his mouse, again putting the cursor over the delete button.

TBC.......

Frustration!

I have been trying to weed through this Pandora thing. Trying to make my own channels with the music that I want. It seems like things are going along fine and then I will put in a song or band that I want to hear, and it goes off in some strange direction. I don't know. I have spent too much time already , and now I am frustrated. Maybe I will just listen to these other shared stations instead. Somehow they managed to get all the right songs. I just don't have the patience.

I dropped my hubby off this morning. Another week away in paradise (Hawaii). Life always slows down when he is gone. I think I just have to much time to be in my head. I am going to be keeping myself very busy for the next couple of days, so hopefully it will go by fast.

Movie Reviews

This last week I got away to see a great movie, Bridge to Terabithia. This is a fabulous film that will make you not only remember your childhood, but will make you feel what it was like to be a child again. The dreams, the imagination, the innocence, and how amazingly beautiful it can be. As we grow older, we seem to forget that we were once these children. Our lives become so full of "have to's" whether real or self-imposed, and we no longer "race to the bottom of the street."
For me, this story hit closer to home (or to my heart) than I expected. It made me remember friendships that have come and gone, and those who I wish were still around and miss everyday.
I highly recommend this movie, just make sure to bring some tissue.




Another movie I watched via rental was Jesus Camp. It is the opposite of Terabithia. It made me more angry than anything, but it is suppose to make you think. It is a documentary on the Evangelical Movement in the U.S., the political lines that are drawn, and the "spiritual abuse" of children (in my opinion). My husband couldn't even watch it. There was no teaching of love, charity, peace, or humility. Hate, war, and arrogance seem to be the only message being sent to these children. Seeing their tears and shame made me seethe in rage. I would like to have stuck socks down the throats of these supposed "leaders of faith." I guess you get the idea of my position on the matter. It is an eye opener.


On the small screen, last Sunday was a Masterpiece Theater Sherlock Holmes that was excellent. It is a newer Sherlock Holmes and it was a great mystery full of suspense. I love murder mysteries, and as a child I loved watching Sunday evening Masterpiece Theater. I still do! This is good one. I think they are available on DVD.

Missing Pandora

I woke this morning to a deleated Pandora music feed from my blog. I don't understand what is going on, it was working earlier. I will have to try and figure what's up.

I think I've figured myself out...

After thinking, pondering, and asking myself many questions, I think I have finally found a new course for myself. For sometime now, I have known I have wanted a change in my professional life. When I moved back to Utah, I was pretty much set on becoming a nurse with the end goal of becoming a Family Nurse Practitioner. I decided to spend some time volunteering in a hospital to get my feet wet so to speak, and getting first had knowledge about the day to day of a nurse. And no offense to nurses (I admire them for what they put up with), but I really didn't like what I was seeing. I didn't much care for the second class status that nurses were deemed by the "doctor authority". I also didn't much care for the schedule, or lack there of, that many nurses had to commit to. Additionally, the programs for school here are so overcrowded that I was told I could possibly get into a program in 2010! This amongst a nursing shortage that is only expected to get worse.
So I went back to the beginning and rethought things. One afternoon I was reading the Wall Street Journal and came across an article about someone who was taking their daughter to see a Speech-Language Pathologist. Reading about their experiences and the help she received, a light bulb went on in my head. I quickly sat down at my computer and started a search on this career. It sounded very interesting to me, and it would incorporate both my love and experience of education and my interest in health care. The only drawback was that it would require me to get yet another Masters degree. It isn't really that much of an obstacle with such a clear goal at the end of it, but it is the time (2 more years) spent in order to get there that I found frustrating. I started researching the different universities here, and what they offered. The University of Utah has a great program, but it is very competitive with a long list of prerequisites. That would mean another year to year and half before even getting into the Masters program. More frustration was setting in. But then I happened across a university about an hour north of here that offers the entire program online. That means all the prereq's and the masters program can be done from home, and I would still be able to work and travel some! I would also be able to start working in a SLP setting once the prereq's were completed.

I am pretty motivated and excited. I am now trying to find someone to job shadow for a couple of days, just to see what the day to day is like. I will be applying to the program next week and hopefully start in May!

I can see myself settling in and enjoying this career for a long time to come. I am at my best one on one with people (children and adults), and I love science and anatomy. I think I could be very good at this job. I realize that its not all roses, but I have yet to find something that truly uses my talents and gifts, and I think this may be one of those opportunities that will give me that ability.

I've Gotta an Itch

Spring fever has set in here in Utah. It started making an appearance last weekend. One of the major reasons I chose to move back here was to once again enjoy four seasons, and to know what it means when Spring actually arrives. In San Diego, Spring arrived when the temperatures rose to 75 degrees rather than 72 degrees. In Florida, it was when the big bugs starting making an appearance, and the days went from sticky to muggy. Here, you have a cold winter (although not as cold as I remember it) and then suddenly something in the air changes. It is like a pop, and you suddenly notice the warm sun on your face. Birds start singing again, and as the snow recedes small little green bumps start to break the surface of the earth underneath.
People are out and about. It is an itch and everybody is scratching, shedding their winter skin. People who haven't spoken to each other in months can now be found sitting on their front porches, their new babies in tow, catching up with neighbors sharing their winter stories. It is an optimism of sorts, a glow that radiates from people as you pass them in the park, or in the grocery store.
I'm itching too. My skin is browning, and my hair is starting to get gold streaks. My desires for life and experience have blossomed, and my daffodils are already 2 inches high. My energy has increased 10 fold and I am craving a drive, a long, long drive to nowhere in particular. Just wherever the road takes me.
Spring is here, and I've got some serious scratch'n to do.

Lucia, Lucia, Lucia

Last night I was fortunate to see Lucia di Lammermoor. I have to say it was a truly amazing performance. I wasn't so sure I could make it through a 3 hour opera (let alone my husband sitting in those little chairs), but it was soooooo good. The Soprano (Lucia) was unbelievable!
The "mad scene" was recognizable. I wasn't sure where I had heard this piece of music before, but then it hit me halfway through - The Fifth Element (link is to the scene in the movie)- the blue opera singer!

The whole production, from sets to talent was above anything I would have expected from our little Utah Opera company. It was also great to see so many young people dressed up to come to the Opera. Something I think would be hard to find in most other US cities.

I will be looking forward to their production of the Grapes of Wrath in May.

Continued Learning

Now that the "so I'm not crazy" euphoria has worn off, it is time to get busy learning about Hypothyroidism. First and foremost I have had to be a bit of an investigator into my family tree. Unfortunately for me, I am missing half of that tree. My mom has also been diagnosed with Hypo and talking with my sister, it appears she is well on her way. It apparently runs in my family, it just hasn't been discussed as a real health problem. The next thing to do is to make contact and pry some information out of the other half (my dad's family). I have been reading and researching as much as I can. It goes without saying that there is too much information and not all of it is based in science. Some even talk about hypothyroidism as it pertains only to weight issues. How shortsighted is that?
Hypothyroidism is a autoimmune disease. It is very serious, and gone untreated can cause severe health problems. Additionally, it can cause serious birth defects. I reflect on the fact that if I had become pregnant in the last five years - when I began to get symptoms - my child may have been born with delayed development and a possible low I.Q..
I am also trying to determine if I should go to an Endocrinologist that specializes in thyroid disease and look at additional types of treatment. I am not someone who just sits back and goes "okay, if you say so" and have that be it. I ask and ask and ask until I feel like I am getting good information to make an educated decision.
Have I noticed any changes yet? Yes. Some days are better than others. But over all, I feel some of the symptoms starting to change. To be honest, since I thought some of the symptoms -depression, sleepiness, and general malaise- were all in my head, the biggest change has been to allow myself to admit that I have had these problems and this is why. My husband says I have been more involved and alive these last few days. He was becoming more and more concerned with my lack of life involvement since my love of life is what he has always loved about me. He is also feeling a bit of relief himself. I am also enjoying having an appetite again. It seems like forever since I have actually enjoyed food, let alone felt hungry for it. I have also noticed that my running exercises have become a little easier. I am wondering if that might have to do with the increase of oxygen in my blood (running + oxygen = better performance!).
It appears it could take months and even years to get the right medication and the right dosage before my TSH is back to "normal" levels. So it is definitely not going to be an overnight transformation.
How has this changed my dizziness and ear ringing? Well, surprisingly enough vertigo and tinnitus are symptoms of hypothyroidism (lack of oxygen getting to the brain). So it is a real possibility that all of the dizzy spells and lightheadedness could be due to this continued problem. I am not cured of either problem. As I said above, it could be a while before my levels are normal. It just so happens that the day I received my test results, my ENT had basically given up on me and was about to send me up to the University medical school to be a lab rat. I think I will try the thyroid route first.
I will be incorporating thyroid information into my entries here as I find it important to my own recovery.

The Placebo Effect

A feeling of peace has come over me, a calmness that has been missing for sometime now. I took this picture sitting on a bench looking out over the lake at Sugarhouse Park. It seems to capture the tranquility I am feeling today.

A new day

This morning I woke up at 6:00 a.m and just stared at the ceiling for about 15 minutes thinking about my recent diagnoses. I have to admit that there is some relief to know there is something medically wrong with me, and the problems I have been having (some going back years) are not all in my head. After all the pain and anger, it came down to a simple blood test that I just asked for in passing. "Yeah sure, go ahead and test me for that too."
I turned on my beside lamp and stared at the little prescription bottle. The words, "take on an empty stomach, half hour before food" meant that I needed to take this now. I slowly opened the bottle. Thoughts rambled through my mind..."this is for the rest of my life, and I really want to be happier and healthier. I am medically unable to produce the proper hormone needed for my body. I shouldn't feel guilty about this. This in no way makes me less of a person. I am still healthy, and will only get healthier now that my body can operate properly." I said these words over and over again, but a fear still rose up inside me that I am now somehow broken.
Slowly I walked to the bathroom with that little pill in my hand. I filled a glass with water and just stared at the tiny, minuscule pill sitting in the palm of my hand. "I guess this is it," I thought to myself. I popped the pill in my mouth and drank the full glass of water. I stood there for a few more minutes, quietly retracing the problems I have had for so long. Yes, it is a pill everyday for life, but it is my life, and it is a life worth living.

Results

Today I got my blood test results back. It is somewhat perplexing. Cholesterol - good stuff is high and bad stuff is normal. Blood sugar - normal range. Blood levels - normal, platelets a little high, but normal. Thyroid - way off. What???? Yep. Apparently I have a very under active thyroid. I am shocked and slightly confused. I have been busy reading as much as I can on the little hormone regulator, and it does explain a lot about the way I have been feeling the last few years, as well as the unexplained dizzy spells I have had for the last few months. I am a little scared because I have never been on a medication before, and apparently this is a life long medication. I don't really like the idea. I am going to continue to do more research and try to talk to as many people as I can. Does anyone out there have any information on Hypothyroidism?

Change is in the air

This morning I woke to four more inches of white, powdery snow. A "grrrr" sound came from my throat as I thought about having to go out into the cold morning and shovel it all. I stretched, sat up and looked out the window. Soft, white snow had formed itself into a large down comforter on my front yard. Shiny crystals reflected the sun's morning light, almost blinding me as I looked down at it. "No," I thought to myself, "I can't be mad at something so beautiful."
With the sun full in the blue sky, the snow quickly began to turn into water. I grabbed my coat and boots and headed out to shovel the walk and porch. The trees that were covered in fluffy white snow only minutes earlier, were now dripping with slush. One slush bomb found its way down the neck of my shirt. Cold, dripping water slowly melted down my back. Wow! I'm awake now!
I caught my neighbor, Alex, with his shovel in tow. "Morning!" I said. "Another good one." His eyes slowly focused on me as he tried to shield his eyes from the snow's glare. "Yep! I hope this is it," he said. I kicked my boots, grabbed the paper, and came back inside. My eyes struggled to dilate back to "inside eyes." I sat down at the dining table and looked out to the street. Yep, it might be snow, it might be cold, but it sure is beautiful to me.