Sitting Hopes

I think I may have found my house sitter for the summer. After a month of frustration, I finally found a girl that (knock on wood) will be sitting for me this summer. After I put my ad on a house sitting page, I got smacked with offers. A lot of them were retired folks that apparently do this for some inexpensive travel in their twilight years. There were some really great people, but they were also a bit misleading. They answered my ad saying they were interested in the job; however, they didn't just answer my ad, but many ads. When I would contact them with the details, they replied that they had already decided on another offer. It was really frustrating.

I got a couple of local people answering as well. One couple in Park City wanted to relocate to the city. They were interested in staying in my home so they could decide where they wanted to live. I read this as, "your house and needs are secondary, what is important is that we live in a place for free so we can decide if we want to move to the city." It became easy to read into how people formed their responses as to what their true intentions were. I think my favorite response was from a family member for a couple in West Jordan (a suburb of SLC). She was writing to say that her brother and sister-in-law with their 2 teenage kids needed a place to live for the summer, and this would be great because it would let them get ahead on their bills while having someone stay the house. Oh Lucky Me!!! Am I starting a charity here? Did my ad say Hostel de la Bindy? NO!!! Read the ad schmuck....it says no kids. That means NO KIDS!!! The reason I said no kids is because I don't want the wear and tear on my home. I don't care how angelic people think their kids are, kids are kids. I am very aware of the energy and destruction caused by children, even teenagers. I also said no animals, no drinkers, no smokers, and no party people. I did so because its MY house. It was painfully obvious that these people were just looking to leech off someone.

Just as I was about to give up, a new profile came up from a local girl who has house sat for friends and family in Utah and Idaho. She is 25, anally clean (a plus), works downtown, already works out at a gym in Sugarhouse, appears very intelligent, and most importantly wants me to know she is very responsible and has many references. My home is her up most concern, so that I can feel comfortable knowing everything is taken care of. I will have to hire lawn service, but I expected I would have to anyway. Her parents are Master Gardeners, so she has a lot of experience in maintaining gardens.

It appears we have an "agreement," so the next thing I have to do is a credit check. That usually tells you how responsible a person really is. I will also schedule a time to meet with her in person. I can get a real feel for people within a few minutes of meeting them. I will also be drawing up a legal document kind of like a rental agreement. If all goes well, I will be leaving in June and be living "The Life" in Hawaii for the summer.

Wish me Luck!

Moms are always Moms

My Mom is in town visiting me this weekend. Yesterday we drove all over the valley, shopping, and checking out some sites. I drove her down to the old hood. So much has changed from when we lived there, neither of us can recognize the area. The old high school, which use to be a monolith in the landscape is now barely noticeable with all the barricading traffic and stores bordering it. We reminisced about an old friend, and what street the guy I once dated lived on. We, both in awe, noticed the still surviving SconeCutter. A place that would be my Friday night hook up spot in my youth. It was quite the center of teenage social networking. I suppose today they just text message each other.
After our trip down memory lane, we headed back home (my home). That morning, she had taken a quick stock of my refrigerator inventory. She was appalled at my food supply, or lack there of. What can I say....I'm a bachelor. My fridge is more for condiments than actual food. On the way back to the house, we stopped off at the store. She grabbed a shopping cart and took off, filling it with more food and supplies than what could feed an army. I suddenly felt 15 again, helping Mom with the Saturday shopping. The difference was that this time she was shopping for me. Weird! I just let her do what she wanted. I realized that she actually was loving it, taking care of me. Later that night, she whipped together a very healthy dinner; salad, broccoli, and chicken.

As I talked to Larry, I was telling him what she was doing, how she taking care of me. He laughed, "she is loving it, isn't she?" "I think so," I said. "Moms are always Moms." After dinner, I "accidentally" let out a mighty belch. "Bindy Kay!" she yelled. I immediately covered my mouth. "Sorry." I dare say daughters will always be daughters too.

I LOVE this movie

Last night I was having bad dreams. I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep. Flipping through the channels, I stopped on a Movie called Chocolat. Most have heard and probably viewed this movie as it came out in 2001. I haven't seen it since its release, but as I started watching it , I remembered how much I really loved this story. I should read the book, but the movie is great on its own. Keywords: 1950s, post war, quaint little provincial town, chocolate, sin, love, passion, Johnny Depp, lent, redemption, the winds, chocolate, gypsies, and.....did I mention chocolate?

Chocolate has to be the most sensual food. I loooove chocolate, especially spicy chocolate. Have you ever dripped a spicy warm chocolate sauce over meat? It is fabulous. For a time, I was making "authentic" Mexican dishes (one of my many phases), and one of the meat dishes called for a chili chocolate sauce. It was heavenly. I think a fantasy of mine would be to soak in a warm, silky bath of chocolate sauce. The other part of that fantasy would have Johnny Depp in it, but as I am a married women....I have to keep those thoughts to myself. ; )

ANYWAY....if you haven't seen this movie, it is a must see. I posted a You Tube preview of the movie, but as of this writing it is a no show. Hopefully it will show up sometime.

Seeking Truth-no easy task

Truth. What is it? Does it exist? Are there absolute truths? The last few weeks I have been soul searching and asking myself a lot of questions. I do this rather frequently, but normally the searching eventually wears off and I move on to something else. This topic, however, has stuck with me. Probably because it has no definable answer. What I have begun to understand, after some examination, is that "truth" and "fact" are not the same thing to me. This is a recent revelation, so recent in fact, that I used the two as meaning the same just a few posts ago. I now believe they are different. I found a blog by another fellow seeker of truth. He was writing about religion and truth. He wrote, very cerebrally, what I felt:

Part of the antipathy between people who take the Bible as literal truth and those who don't stems less from spiritual integrities than from language use. Truth is, a fact may not always represent a truth and that the truth about something may not always be supported by the facts. Truthfully, in fact, fact and truth are NOT the same word, though most people tend to blur the distinction. "Truth" is a larger and more comprehensive term than "fact". Facts are a subset of truth. Facts require verification or proof, truth does not. I can know it to be perfectly true that I love my dog and that my dog loves me but that doesn't mean I could prove it to others by way of facts. More importantly, that lack of factual proof has zero bearing on the truth of the love I experience. Another point, truth can be experienced individually in isolation from the sensory world, facts require experiential consensus.

I find it hard to argue with his logic. One cannot prove love; therefore, to love, to feel and understand love, is not a "fact" in the scientific understanding of "fact." It is true that I love. It is true that I feel love. Could we come up with some sort of measurement that would give us a defining "fact" that what we experience is love? Maybe, but then that may be different for each and every person.
That leads me into another thought, is truth relative? To tackle that I first needed to know "relative truth" vs. "absolute" truth. In college I took a Philosophy of Science class. What is the Philosophy of Science one may ask? I can tell you I still have no friggen idea. The class was a blur of ramblings and presuppositions. The professor was a high on himself Brit (no offense to Brits) who thought we were all a bunch of back country bumpkins. So why am I bringing this up? Well, in order to try to understand these two truths, I had to try and remove some bias. I ended up on a Philosophy of Science page discussing "truth" from the standpoint of Einstein, Socrates, Plato, etc.. . It was actually a challenge to find information on relative or absolute "truth" that wasn't biased either religiously or anti-religiously.

Here is a small excerpt from this page:

THE NOTION OF ABSOLUTE TRUTH.
If, by "absolute truth", one means non-relative truth, then the answer is: Yes. Socrates, and his non-relativist followers, would want to say that if a statement such as:
(12) The speed of light is 299,792,458 meters per second
is true at all, then it is "absolutely" true.

So would Einstein. Indeed, his Theory of Relativity properly understood, asserts that statement (12) is an absolute truth, not a relative one. For it is a consequence of his theory that the speed of light is a constant. That is to say, the speed of light - like the other laws of physics - does not vary between one inertial system and another but is exactly the same within all inertial systems.

Whereas, according to a relativist, the truth of a statement like (12) can vary from person to person according to who utters it, Einstein holds that the truth of (12) is an absolute: it is true (absolutely true) no matter who utters it or in what inertial system they are located.

Any relativists who think they can derive support for their views from Einstein's physical theory, have simply not understood what his theory says.

Even here, the statement about the speed of light as "true" confounds me. Is it a "true" statement or is it "factual?" The speed of light is provable through scientific methodology. It is fact, and the statement is not false because we can prove it is fact, therefore the statement, "The speed of light is 299,792,458 meters per second," is fact. Is it also true? Is it semantics of language, or is there a difference between fact and truth? And where does that leave us with the unprovable truths? I cannot offer facts that I love, no scientific method regarding the feeling of love. I know I love, therefore it is not false, but it is a truth as I know it to be. Is that not relative? It is at least subjective. It is a mind puzzle to say the least.

I continued on with my quest, but now I was more interested in truth and how it relates to belief or faith, particularly my faith. My beliefs are definitely what I have referred to as personal truths. I can tell you that there are many who would say that my "truths" are incorrect, that they are false. I suppose this is why religion, in its quest for absolute truth, finds itself in a stranglehold over its masses, thus leading to conflict within and outside its boundaries. I came across a writing by Paul Tillich that was written over 50 years ago. His writings are of a nature that incorporate the Absolute, but not in regard to law, to dogma, but rather in Universal love, or God.

But those of us who dare to face the question of truth may listen to what the Fourth Gospel says about it. The first thing which strikes us is that the truth of which Jesus speaks is not a doctrine but a reality, namely, He Himself: "I am the truth." This is a profound transformation of the ordinary meaning of truth. For us, statements are true or false; people may have truth or not; but how can they be truth, even the truth? The truth of which the Fourth Gospel speaks is a true reality—that reality which does not deceive us if we accept it and live with it. If Jesus says, "I am the truth," he indicates that in Him the true, the genuine, the ultimate reality is present; or, in other words, that God is present, unveiled, undistorted, in His infinite depth, in His unapproachable mystery. Jesus is not the truth because His teachings are true. But His teachings are true because they express the truth which He Himself is. He is more than His words. And He is more than any word said about Him.

The truth which makes us free is neither the teaching of Jesus nor the teaching about Jesus. Those who have called the teaching of Jesus "the truth" have subjected the people to a servitude under the law. And most people like to live under a law. They want to be told what to think and what not to think. And they accept Jesus as the infallible teacher and giver of a new law. But even the words of Jesus, if taken as a law, are not the truth which makes us free. And they should not be used as such by our scholars and preachers and religious teachers. They should not be used as a collection of infallible prescriptions for life and thought. They point to the truth, but they are not a law of truth. Nor are the doctrines about Him the truth that liberates. I say this to you as somebody who all his life has worked for a true expression of the truth which is the Christ. But the more one works, the more one realizes that our expressions, including everything we have learned from our teachers and from the teaching of the Church in all generations, is not the truth that makes us free.

After all of this, I find myself with a better understanding of what I think and believe about truth, but I still have many questions. I don't know if I will fully comprehend "truth" as it relates to the human condition, but I guess that is why the human mind questions and desires to know more, to understand. The soul also seeks truth. Maybe it might be more appropriate to say the soul seeks to live the truth, which for me is love. It is true that my mind and heart often send me opposing signals, but on these matters, I find I am drawn to side with my heart. That truth, my truth, lies with love....absolutely.

Separate and Equal

Last night I was chatting on the phone with Larry. We always say good night to each other, even if the rest of the phone conversation is just listening to each other breathe. Out of the blue I asked Larry to give up his airline career and come live a Bohemian life with me. Be free and travel the world, healing and loving. He laughed assuming I was joking. I wasn't. When he realized that there was an air of seriousness to my request, he told me "that isn't me." He was right. It isn't him. He is a worker and likes the "American" life as well as accomplishments and success. I don't really care about all that stuff.

He then very accurately said, "that is you. It is a type of life that you could live, but not me." It seemed weird hearing the man I have loved for the last 18 years (in 2 weeks) tell me that we aren't the same. This should be obvious, I know, but still it sounded weird. Then he said something that threw me even more, "The house, the animals, and I will be here, and you can come and go as you need to." Huh??? He said this so matter-of-fact. For the first time I heard what he said and it finally really sank in. I heard "I love you as you are, and wherever this life takes you, I will always be at home waiting for you."

I suddenly realized that I can be me and his love for me won't change. Now I see that only I have been selling myself short and no one else. I have been telling myself the same shit that I spent my life fighting against, and worst...I somehow managed to believe all of it. I caged myself because I was afraid I would lose those that I loved. What robbery is it to tell people not to be who they are on the threat of being unloved, undeserving, unworthy? It is Hell on earth.
Larry spoke about those moments when I tried my hardest to shut myself up, to conform; I became dead inside and our marriage became rocky. This is very true. I didn't do myself, nor those around me, any favors by being the sacrificial lamb. It also caused me to blame others rather than be responsible for my own life, my own path and happiness. It was, in fact, easier to give myself over. Doing so meant it was never my choice. It is always easier to make excuses and place blame elsewhere. Thinking that it somehow relieves the sin is the greatest deception of all.

After the phone call, his words went with me to my dreams. The night was full of activity. I do feel in complete harmony with the direction my life is taking, personally and professionally, but now I am also starting to open up to anything positive that may come my way. My future, which I have normally painted black, is now a deep blue. I find I am wanting to hitch myself to a star and go forward.

These are the Moments

Today was one of those most perfect of days. I was lazy all morning, doing the whole dilly dally thing. About 2:30 I decided it was time to get up to the canyon for my exercise. Last night we received a light layer of fresh snow. I assumed that the snow in the canyon would have melted just like at my house. Instead what I was presented with was the most beautiful and magical day. I don't know if my words could possibly do it justice (and I didn't have my camera), but I'll try to describe it.

The trees were coated in the bright white, fresh snow; some branches had formed ice droplets that hung from the lower portions of the limbs. Behind the trees, dark brown mountains were lit up by the sun, making the earth tones more rich and deep. The sky was deep blue with a few floating clouds which made for fast moving shadows. My first thought was, "I feel like I am in Narnia!" I couldn't believe how amazingly beautiful it all was. It completely took me in. "This is God's self portrait," I thought to myself. Have you ever been so moved by something of such immense beauty that it produces such deep emotion and completely penetrates you? That is how I felt today, and all by doing something as simple as walking up this little canyon.

As I came back down the hill, I was overcome with the impermanence of it all. The wind started blowing hard; tossing the snow off the trees, and dusting me with soft powder. The sun had progressed just enough to change the shadows. I began to realize that had I been there at any other moment, at any other time of the day, on any other day, I would have missed it all. As I rounded the last corner and could see the parked cars ahead of me, I found myself once again in a state of Gratitude. The only words that came into my mind....."thank you, thank you , thank you."

The Good, the Great, the Bad, and a little Hocus Pocus

Happy March 1st!!
The Good: Yesterday I went on my normal run up city creek and actually found it to be a bit easier. My body was telling me it could take more punishment. I lost myself in my thoughts rather than being consumed in the quest for oxygen. Let us all say a big HURRAH!! It took a month of running 3-4 times a week (with a hot week in Hawaii), but I am finally seeing a small step of improvement. I will admit that I never thought I would. Now lets hope I didn't just jinx myself.

The Great: After my run, I stopped by Wild Oats (which is now Whole Foods) and picked up some Ahi tuna for dinner. I made a honey-ginger marinade and glaze, seared the tuna, steamed some asparagus, and served it with a couple of slices of a french baguette. I scarfed it down like it was chocolate mousse. It was so amazingly good. It was the best fish dinner I have ever made!

The Bad: I took my little cat in to the vet yesterday. I have noticed that she seems to be running into things that are right in front of her face. I brought this to the attention of the vet. She checked her eyes, and sure enough my instincts were correct, she is going blind. My poor kitty, she is not yet 3 years old and had such a hard start in this world. I think my vet felt somewhat obligated to me, as if because she entrusted this little survivor to me, it is her fault I am plagued with all these problems. I absolutely love my cat and could never find her to be an inconvenience. Blind or not blind, she is my cat and will have a comfortable, loving home.

A little Hocus Pocus: Last night after my filling dinner, I spent some time goofing off on the Internet. I started to reflect on the conversations Larry and I have had in the last couple of days. I don't know why, but I wanted to know more about this Astrology thing. Something about being a flighty, non committal Gemini just didn't seem right. I know, I shouldn't take it seriously. I think it is more a curiosity than anything. If I am not satisfied with something, then I will dig until I am satisfied, or just give up. Some of my Geminian tendencies: I prefer breath over depth, I love my freedom, I can move on quickly when I see a situation is going no where (except in matters of the heart), I am challenged in seeing things through to the end (I lose interest), I am animated when I talk, naturally photogenic, I LOVE to learn, but when I have learned what I have sought out to learn I file it and move on to the next thing.

But this whole notion of being a permanent "flake" who spends every Friday night being the "party girl" and is completely emotionally detached just isn't me. Most my Friday nights (when I am alone) consist of a nice dinner, maybe a little laundry, a glass of wine, a little Van Morrison, and a good book or movie. I have also been attracted to Scorpios my whole life, both in lovers and in friendships. My husband is a Scorpio, so is my best friend. If Geminis and Scorpios are so polarized then what gives? So I thought I would take it a step further. As I read over some astrology basics, I came to find that it is the moon that is actually more telling of our personality. In fact, the moon sign, was more important to Astrology back in ye olden times. This inquiring mind wanted to know more. What was my Moon sign? I'll give you a guess....yep....Scorpio. Not only that, but so is my Ascending Sun. I am oozing Scorpio-ness all over the place.

This actually sucks a bit for me, being so polarized. Nothing like surface depths, talkative shyness, being non committally committed (maybe in a loony sense). I am a freak'n walking dichotomy. If I am to take such information to heart, it makes a lot more sense of why at times I feel like I want to be two different people with two very different lives. I am also extremely sensitive and very emotional when I want to be. I definitely wear my heart on my sleeve.

The Gemini Sun-Scorpio Moon persona is as intelligent as they come. Geminis always look for answers, although they often have a casual interest in the world around them. Add Lunar Scorpio, and you have a natural psychologist, bent on finding meaning and never afraid to rock the boat. The Gemini gift of communication and the Scorpio soul vision combine eloquently (although the Gemini-Scorpio combination is an unusual one). This combination makes her both versatile and passionate at once. She can use words to paint pictures, she possesses a sharp wit, and being provocative comes naturally. This Sun-Moon combination is a fascinating one. The head and the heart send such different messages that she can be somewhat of a paradox.

I guess that is nice way of putting it.

Gemini vs. Scorpio

Yesterday my husband joked about his every so strong and sensible Scorpio sign and me the crazy Gemini. It comes across as sarcasm, but in reality it is in jest; we play with each other. It is the "spice" in our relationship and I love it. The whole Scorpio vs Gemini thing is just for fun. Most horoscopes say we are too different to make a very good relationship, but I believe there is much more to a relationship than a birth date. That being said, I did like this little romantic compatibility horoscope. Is it truth? Is it fact? No....just fun and oddly accurate.

Scorpio and Gemini

When Gemini and Scorpio come together in a love affair, they'll need to learn to understand and accept one another's differences -- and if they can, they will be a nearly unbreakable couple. Where Gemini is adaptable, intellectual, outgoing and chatty, Scorpio tends to be secretive, focused, intense and determined. Gemini tends to take things lightly, including their lover; Scorpio, on the other hand, has a very deep need for emotional connection and intimacy. Scorpio is generally very loyal to their lover and very connected to the relationship.

This relationship tends to be highly passionate and can often be characterized by arguments; Gemini loves a good debate, considering it the epitome of mental stimulation, and that characteristic Gemini flirtatiousness tends to grate on Scorpio's jealous, possessive nerves. Despite these differences, however, this is no dull relationship. Both Signs love to take chances and spice it up! They have lots of adventures together, but if things get too tense and arguments start to turn negative, they must make the effort to reconcile if they value the relationship and want it to last.

Gemini is ruled by the Planet Mercury (Communication) and Scorpio is dually ruled by the Planets Mars (Passion) and Pluto (Power). Scorpio is generally quite concerned with sexual and emotional intimacy; they need much reassurance that their lover values the relationship as much as they do. Thank goodness, then, for Gemini's excellent communicative abilities; the Twins should have no trouble communicating their dedication to the Scorpion -- if it's dedication they feel. Gemini can't and won't fake a commitment they don't feel, so intense Scorpio must learn to back off a bit. Gemini will certainly make a commitment to a love relationship, but only if they're free to do so on their own, not coerced into it.

Gemini is an Air Sign and Scorpio is a Water Sign. These two elements can be a great combination; after all, the best decisions are made when they incorporate the intellect (Air) and the emotions (Water) -- the mind and the heart. The trick, of course, is getting these two elements to work in tandem. Scorpio is a master strategist; if there's a decision to be made or a project at hand, they can help flighty Gemini focus on the best options. Gemini, in turn, teaches Scorpio to let go and move on when their efforts are thwarted. There is a downside to these two elements' union, however; Scorpio's emotional manipulations can prove to dampen Gemini's natural energy and enthusiasm. Also, airy Gemini can leave Scorpio's deep waters feeling choppy, rough and disturbed.

Gemini is a Mutable Sign and Scorpio is a Fixed Sign. Gemini tends to do things on a whim, just for the experience, contrary to Scorpio, who almost always has a plan (or an ulterior motive) in mind. Scorpio can use their focus and determination to help teach Gemini the value in finishing things before jumping headlong into the next experience. Once these two begin to understand that they can enjoy a satisfying relationship -- Gemini providing the reasoning and brain power and Scorpio bringing their healthy dollop of sex appeal, emotionalism and passion -- they can enjoy a truly mutually satisfying relationship.

An even better analysis is here. It is rather lengthy, but again...oddly accurate.

Call'n me on it

My lovely husband read my post yesterday. He was so moved by what I had to say, he left this little comment:
I like what you are saying. Though I got lost in the second paragraph with your uses of Fact, meaning, meaningless, and truth.

Yeah, like I would even try to live in your head one day... This scorpio knows better.... Let me go find a rock to sit on and watch the gemini go around and around and around:)

HAHAHA!!
My response:
Ouch! Well I am so sorry you can't keep up. The scorpio might have a sting, but he is so sssllloooowwww. Keep up, read between the lines. Think beyond the words. Goodness do I have to spell it out for ya?

It's called internal dialogue. The dual gemini often has conversations with itself. What? Shhhh. What did you say? Yes he is so, ya know...

Sorry that was my other self telling me you are boring me! :)

Now I must go skip off into the sunset.... lalalala

Okay, so I get it....not everything that comes into my mind is publishable. I was trying to express a moment of awakening, of growth as a person, but apparently SOME people just can't get it. As I read over what I wrote, sure it is a bit unruly, but I could understand it. Apparently SOME just aren't as witty as they think they are.
I called my husband at work and gave him crap for his response. He has no problem telling me how he sees it. Something I appreciate after the sting wears off. He reiterated again that no, he would never want to live inside my head. It would be tantamount to trying to survive in the middle of a hurricane. Wait..isn't that the part that is quiet? Oh, there I go again. You get the idea.
Yes my marriage is kind of unique I think. He tells my I'm nuts (but in a sweet way) and I tell him that he doesn't know what he talking about (he usually doesn't ;) ). Then we cuddle up every year on our anniversary and watch "So I Married an Axe Murderer."

Gratitude

To thine own self be true.

And it must follow as the night the day,

thou canst not then be false to any man.

~Shakespeare

What is the opposite of fear? Happiness, joy, love? What is it to be fear-less? I believe it is Gratitude. That overwhelming sense that everything, every person, every experience in your life is a gift. I recently encountered this meaning, this knowledge of Gratitude in my life when I told Fear to take a hike. It is a path that I have found to be so revealing, so honest. It feels like someone took a knife and cut me open, freeing me, and underneath was an emotional depth that I didn't know existed before. I stopped comparing myself to others, to what I thought I "should" be. I forgave the past and stopped concerning myself with the future. I am so unhappy when I think about the future. That probably sounds strange, I know. When I obsess about the future, I feel like I am peddling up a hill with no end in sight. I realized that the only thing the future needs is for me to live today, me here living in the now. The only way I knew to do that was to be grateful for the day, grateful for my health, for my body, for my mind, for my time, and my gifts.

I am not a religious person, and I don't think you need to be in order to understand the meaning of gratitude for your life. I do, however, believe that the Christian story of God sacrificing his only begotten son so that we may have eternal life rests entirely on the concept of gratitude. Whether or not the story of Jesus is literal fact is meaningless to me, because what I understand in the story is that the gift is in the sacrifice made, a sacrifice given to show us the meaning of gratitude. I say this knowing that I love facts, I love digging through the superfluous crap and finding the "truth," finding the facts. And I suppose I have contradicted myself by not needing to believe in the literal story of Jesus, as written in the Bible, to understand the meaning. The meaning doesn't rest in facts, and not only that, but the meaning might be different for each person. Yeah, try living in my brain for a day : ).

Back to gratitude....Today, I am grateful for my questioning mind (see above). Without it, I would never dig to learn more. I am grateful for my vulnerability and uncertainty. I am grateful that I will never know all the answers because it is that lack of certainty that makes my life an adventure. I am grateful that the only thing I am certain of is that my love will live on after I have perished, and that true wealth lies in the gratitude for my life.

A Rainy Afternoon

Yesterday was gloomy and rainy. Definitely a day to stay in and veg. I decided to conquer a task that has been bugging me for some time now. In a box under my desk are piles of photos, some going back close to 10 years. I am usually a very organized person, but for some reason I haven't been too good about putting these pictures into albums. I think it is because I stopped taking print photos and turned to digital downloads, so these pictures got a little left behind. Anyway, I thought it was a good time to tackle this beast. No, I don't scrapbook. I tried it once and me being bindy, got real bored about halfway through. It just took too much time and I really just like the pictures. I don't really care about cute little stickers and outlines, etc... (sorry ness...my sister scrapbooks). The only thing that I did like was that you could write info about the picture (places, events, etc...), but that is about it.

So....back on topic, I was going through piles, and I mean PILES, of pictures and ran across some old pictures my mom had given me from my childhood. I scanned them into the computer and filed them. The funny thing is that looking at myself all those years ago, I remember being me, being that kid. To be honest, I am still that goofy little girl. I am just in a grown up body now. Okay, so I don't normally need a port-a-potty to use on the side of the road these days. Notice I said normally : ).






I include the picture below just because I like it. I remember this day so vividly. We were just outside Munich, Germany. The weather was suppose to be cool and rainy and instead it was hot and muggy. I remember being really hot and cranky. Suddenly, we came across this wall full of Lilac blooms that smelled like heaven. I just wanted to wrap myself in all the flowers. I can't remember why I am wearing my glasses that day, probably just tired eyes. Anyway, I just like this picture of myself.

The Lonely Shoppers Club

After my journey home yesterday, I came back to reality finding myself hopelessly unprepared for an exam I had to take today. I spent the afternoon studying and around 6 left to take the test. Afterwards, with the sounds of the bomb hitting Hiroshima echoing through my mind, I decided I needed to put some food in the house and pick up something for dinner. I stopped off at my local grocery store assuming that Gramps and I would be the only people in a grocery store on a Friday night at 7:30. Thankfully, the place was jammin'. Surprisingly many college students were stocking up on frozen pizzas and Hungry Man dinners. I wandered around aimlessly, desperate for anything to sound tempting for dinner. Sushi is usually my solace, but no....even that didn't agree with me. I looked over at a young girl, at least I think she was younger than me, wearing baggy old sweats with her hair tied up as if she had just rolled out of bed. She just stood there staring at the containers. She must have had a lot on her mind because as she stared at the plastic boxes of orange fish and rice rolls, she had a slight catatonic look on her face. I smiled at her and moved on.

I found myself intrigued by the fancy juice section. You know...the juices with interesting names and strange fruit you have never heard of before? Well, I was looking at all the pretty colors (that's how they get you to spend $4.00 for 80z) and found a Brazilian named juice with Acacia Berry, Pomegranate, and to top it all off...Cacao. Oh, that sounded just too good. I splurged and bought one. Still, I knew that wouldn't be enough for dinner. I picked up a few apples and remembered I was out of Bird Seed. I sought out my bird seed and ran into another college age couple (or roommates) that seemed to be preparing for a toilet paper shortage. Either that or they were trying to recreate their middle school years by toilet papering some one's house.
Still in search of dinner, I went to the frozen foods section. I wandered up and down the isle looking for something to tempt me, but then I noticed my reflection in the glass. My pants that I had just purchased in December are now at least one size too big and their bagginess was rather obvious. I felt kind of good about it, but then I realized that I was standing in the grocery store staring at myself in a glass door. I looked around and sure enough a strange looking dude was looking right at me. Damn! I turned red, smiled and quickly left the isle. Maxi Pads to the rescue! I think that isle has a deflection shield for anything with a penis.

I was about to give up and go home to another can of soup when I came across a pasta skillet meal that looked really good. Plus it was on sale! So there you have it....apples, juice, bird seed, pasta meal, maxi pads, I picked up some soy milk and some Slim fast bars. $48.92! Holy bleep! 50 bucks for two bags of stuff?!

I made my way back out the car feeling a bit depressed that I was alone and a member of the Lonely Shoppers Club once again. Not only does it suck, but it is way too expensive!

Leaving the Island

The dreaded day has arrived when I must head back to the hive. My island stay has come and gone much too quickly. I leave with a big smile, blonder hair, and skin that has been loved by the sun. I love coming to the island because no matter what is going on in my life, the minute I step off the plane and breath in the subtle smells of mold and warm air, I feel nothing except that which is in the now. My life becomes the moment in which I am living. Maybe it is just being so removed from the other 48 states, maybe just being in a place where there is nothing but deep blue water from every point you look out from. Who knows? All I know is that I love it here, and yes...I could move here. I could live in a little tropical hut, spending my days surfing and hanging on the beach, eating poki (raw tuna, ginger, spices) and drinking cold beer. Yes, I know I would need to work, but they pay SLP's about a 100K a year, so I think I would be okay.

When my husband took the orders here they warned him to be careful. "The island can take you in," one of his co-workers said. One of the guys Larry knows came here for the same 6 months of orders that Larry is on......16 years ago! Larry has already extended until September and they have asked him for more.

It isn't perfect here. Just like any urban area in America, O'ahu has its flaws, some more striking than others. There are a lot of people living on the island, most of whom are fairly poor, especially the Hawaiian people. There is a lot of crime and vandalism, and there isn't much of an economic base except to tourism and the military. The west side beaches are covered in squatter huts, where the homeless have set up permanent tent homes on the pubic beaches. So far the government here has taken no action to remove them, even though it is illegal. It is also a major health and environmental hazard to have them living there. Yes, I can't help but think about social issues, even while in paradise. But still, even with the imperfections, it is still such a beautiful and mystical place. I love the Mauna (mountains). They are spectacular from every angle.

I love how everyone is making their pilgrimage to see the whales this time of year. It is a family event to sit for hours and stare at the water in the hope of seeing a fin or fluke, maybe a splash or two. I also love how every night as the sun begins to descend below the horizon, all eyes are on the setting sun. It is as if we all still believed in the "Sun God" and are paying our last respects as he leaves us for the night.

Yesterday, I realized how much I enjoyed this Hawaiian living when I was driving along and decided it was nice enough to put the top down. I pulled over into a parking lot, put the top down, put my sunglasses on and a baseball hat. Just as I was getting back on the road, Bob Marley came on the radio with "Stir it up." I had to crank it up, of course. Amazingly, no one around me thought that was weird. That song is pretty much the beat of life around here. It just fits. In Utah, people would look at me like I was the Antichrist, expecting me to be puffing away on a big doobie and saying "duuuuude" every other word.

A little trivia: the "Shaka" symbol that many of us learned as "Hang Loose" by the surfing crowd was actually started by a sugarcane worker that had his three middle fingers cut off in some machinery. As he would walk around town, he would wave "hello" by using that hand, which only had the thumb and pinky fingers. That is how the "Shaka" symbol all began. It is a very common way to say "hello" and "take care."


Aloha

Well...I did it

I finally put my house up for sitting. Yes...I placed an ad on a house sitting site for my time away this summer. I am stressed to the max about this whole thing. I so want to move to Hawaii even if it is only for the summer, but it is so hard trying to get all the ducks in a row to make the transition possible. I thought about asking family or friends, but then that old "don't do business with family or friends " thought came into my mind. I thought I should follow my gut on that one, so I put an ad on a website for house sitting services. My husband was a little leery about the whole thing, but as he isn't responsible for the house at the moment, I felt I could figure it out for myself. The house itself isn't the real issue, but finding someone who wants to live in hot and arid climates in the summer, wants to do yard work, can take care of a cat, will take care of my house, etc... is a lot to ask. Of course, they get to live in a nice, furnished house, for no cost. Sounds like a good deal to me.

I posted the ad on Friday and already have 6 offers. I am very surprised. I am leaning toward the "retired writers looking to live in a new place." They love animals which is a big plus, and have green thumbs, also a big plus. It is a very different approach for me. I'm not really good at trusting people, let alone people I have never met. I feel like a Nazi on my ad, "no smoking, no animals, no party people, no kids, must have references and back ground check." Geez....I sound so mean, but what can you do? It's my home after all.

Aloha All

Yesterday we drove North to North Shore. Our intention was to hike, but we never made it to the hills because our butts felt compelled to sit on the beach. About a mile off shore we could see the flukes and fins of the Humpbacks that are here around the islands for the winter. They were so active we could see them leaping into the air from the beach. There must have been 5 active pods within our viewing area. I took lots of pictures....of course (sorry, didn't have a big lens for any whale pictures).

His Place

I love that when I arrived he had lit the scented candle I had bought last time I was visiting, so the room smelled clean and fresh. I love the fact that he potted three house plants so his place could feel more like "home." I love that in the freezer there was not one, but three packages of Skinny Cows ice cream sandwiches (I love them). I love the fact that he felt he needed to make excuses for why the bed wasn't made by the time I arrived (the sheets were still drying). I love that he went out and bought new sheets for the bed because the leopard print sheets that came with the place were just too "macho" for him. I love that he saved me some of his dinner in the microwave knowing I wouldn't arrive until 10p.m.. I love that when I reached into the drawer to get my pajamas, he had placed a new "Valentines" set in the drawer for me to wear. I love this place and I love him in this place. Although I am not always here, it is quite obvious that the thought of me is.

The Alchemist

"But, unfortunately, very few follow the path laid out for them - the path to their Personal Legends, and to happiness. Most people see the world as a threatening place, and, because they do, the world turns out, indeed, to be a threatening place." -The Alchemist

I woke up today to a beautiful, refreshing morning and thoughts of my "Personal Legend" came into my my head. Then I realized that I had not reviewed The Alchemist like I had said I would.

When I first picked this book, I had done so based on a review I had read about it. I knew it was full of mysticism and metaphorical language. It was definitely that, and much more. The story, as it goes along, is a metaphor for life. What is the purpose of Life? Who is God? Why are we here? What is the truth of my existence? You know, those simple questions that have easy answers. The story does not give an "answer" to those questions, but develops the questions in your mind so you are compelled to seek the answers for yourself.

I got about halfway through the book and realized that there were so many good thoughts and sentiments, I felt I should mark the pages that I thought offered some real insight. I did so by turning the corner of the upper edge of the page. Now the book has doubled in thickness because just about every page has a bent over corner.

The story is about a young shepherd boy in Andalusia (Spain). He meets a King one day who tells the boy he must seek out and find his treasure in the land of the pyramids. The young boy has never even heard of the pyramids, but in the desire to find his treasure and his Personal Legend, he is compelled to leave the life of a shepherd behind and seek out his destiny. The story takes him on many adventures, and through each event he adds to his knowledge, adds to the Soul of the World, meets the love of his life, meets an Alchemist, and finally finds his treasure. I don't want to say too much just in case someone might feel compelled to read this book. It is a simple read, but it is within the simple words, that you come away with so much more on a personal level. It is as if each sentence has another sentence that can't be seen with the eyes. "Read between the lines" would be appropriate.

Okay....I will add a bit here from the book (if I can manage to narrow it down without completely writing the whole book).....

This particular part of the book is when Santiago (the boy) is in the Oasis of the desert and has come across a beautiful woman at a watering well:
" At that moment, it seemed to him that time stood still, and the Soul of the World surged within him. When he looked into her dark eyes, and saw that her lips were poised between a laugh and silence, he learned the most important part of the language that all the world spoke - the language that everyone on earth was capable of understanding in their heart. It was love. Something older than humanity, more ancient than the desert. Something that exerted the same force whenever two pairs of eyes met, as had theirs here at the well.....
.....It was the pure Language of the World. It required no explanation, just as the universe needs none as it travels through endless time. What the boy felt at that moment was that he was in the presence of the only woman in his life, and that, with no need for words, she recognized the same thing. He was more certain of it than anything in the world. He had been told by his parents and grandparents that he must fall in love and really know a person before becoming committed. But maybe people who felt that way had never learned the universal language. Because, when you know that language, it's easy to understand that someone in the world awaits you, whether it's in the middle of the desert or in some great city. And when two such people encounter each other, and their eyes meet, the past and the future become unimportant. There is only that moment, and the incredible certainty that everything under the sun has been written by one hand only. It is the hand that evokes love, and creates a twin soul for every person in the world. Without such love, one's dreams would have no meaning."

That was a bit more than I expected to write, but it is a thought that one cannot interrupt in the middle and find it to be an acceptable end. This part of the book really moved me, putting a spark inside of me. I reflect on it often. This also gives you a good idea of how Coelho writes. I guess I could be safe in saying that Coelho, at least in The Alchemist, writes from his soul and not from his head.

In the back of the book, there is a list of questions for reflection. I guess unless you have read the book, the question and the answer would make no sense, but I thought I would pick one anyway:

When he talked about the pilgrimage to Mecca, the crystal merchant argued that having a dream is more important than fulfilling it, which is what Santiago was trying to do. Do you agree with Santiago's rationale or the crystal merchants?
In this conversation, the crystal merchant is talking to the boy about living a good Muslim life. The Prophet gave them 5 obligations to do in one's life to live a good life; believe in the only one true God, pray five times a day, fast during Ramadan, be charitable to the poor, and to make the pilgrimage to Mecca. The merchant talks about how as a boy all he wanted was to save up enough money so he could make this pilgrimage. As the man became older, he became wealthier, but could never bring himself the leave the store which brought him that wealth. Santiago asks him why doesn't he go now that he has the wealth to leave. The merchant replies that it is the dream of going to Mecca that keeps him going. He fears that if he goes, than there will be no reason to get up every morning. It is the dream that keeps him living his mundane and uninspired life. The boy, on the other hand, feels that he must live his dream, he must find his treasure.
For me, I have to agree with Santiago. I understand the merchants reasoning, however, I believe dreams are the guide to finding our purpose, our Personal Legend. And as we find out in the book, it isn't the "finish line" of the dream, but rather the path to getting there that is important. Living your life waiting on a dream doesn't seem like much of a life to me. Maybe going to Mecca, or even just trying to get to Mecca, more doors might have been opened; doors that he never knew existed. He might have chosen to sell his business and set out to a new world with new dreams and adventures. Or maybe kept the business, but having lived the dream, he would be able to see things with a different perspective, making him a different kind of businessman.
By not living his dream, he has limited himself and settled for the life that he actually has contempt for. The life, the store, the day to day becomes a shackle, holding him back from realizing the life intended for him. Ultimately, I believe it is his fear that holds him back, he cannot see beyond the dream, and fears what would become of his life after living out his dream. For now, he is content, and it is this contentedness that keeps him still. I think it is that fear that everyone can relate to in some form or another. And it is most likely a fear that we regret while on our death bed. That is why I hope to be more Santiago than crystal merchant.

Well wuddya know....

The same grumpy old kook from my previous post managed a little foot in mouth yesterday. Why am I not surprised? I always find it interesting when people speak whatever comes to mind without any filtering process. It is so revealing about what is in the forefront of their mind. Of course, everyone is bending over backwards to make excuses for his comments. I don't know....the guy seems to to have contempt for just about everyone. Maybe one of these days, his constituents will finally see him for the idiot he is and not reelect him.


State Sen. Buttars' perceived racial slur brings rebuke and apology

Article Last Updated: 02/13/2008 06:32:32 AM MST

A West Jordan senator shocked his colleagues and later apologized for comparing a bill he opposed to a black baby, calling it "a dark, ugly thing."
Republican Sen. Chris Buttars' comment came during a debate on SB48, aimed at equalizing school construction funds. Sen. Howard Stephenson, R-Draper, called it "the ugly baby bill," but, as Buttars stood to vote, went further. "This baby is black. It's a dark, ugly thing," he said.
Sen. Ross Romero, D-Salt Lake City, said he perceived the statement as offensive and took the issue to Senate leaders. "I felt it needed to be addressed and needed to be addressed promptly," he said.
Sen. John Valentine, R-Orem, said he was surprised by the comment.
"I didn't see it coming," he said. "I didn't take it as a racist remark, but the more I thought about it, the more I thought it was inappropriate and a breach of decorum."
Buttars agreed and felt bad about it and asked for a chance to apologize, Valentine said. After senators returned from a 10-minute break, Valentine noted the "breach in decorum," and gave Buttars the floor.
"I made a comment that I think a lot of people could take racist. I certainly did not mean that in any way but it was wrong and certainly could easily have been taken that way," Buttars said. "I apologize to anyone who took offense. . . . I ask for your forgiveness."
Romero said there was talk off the floor of censuring Buttars, and he appreciated the apology, but "I have no idea how it would be interpreted not to be offensive."
Word of Buttars' gaffe spread quickly around the Capitol, leaving members from both parties shaking their heads in disbelief. Leaders of Utah's black community also were shocked.
"I am appalled that he would utter such words in the capacity as senator and representing the people of Utah," said Jeanetta Williams, president of the Salt Lake branch of the NAACP.
Sen. Bill Hickman, R-St. George, said he is confident that Buttars, who left the Capitol quickly after the Senate adjourned, didn't mean his comment to be offensive.
"He felt bad that he had said it," Hickman said.
gehrke@lsltrib.com

A Picture Speaks a Thousand Words

Take a look at this photo. Look at the elder man as he "listens" to the young man next to him. What does his face say to you? Outside of looking severely constipated, he appears to be on the verge of sprouting horns. You can just see the hate brewing inside of him.

"What is going on here?" you might be thinking. My city, Salt Lake City, just approved a domestic registry for folks working for the city. This domestic registry allows two people to register for health benefits even though they are not lawfully wed. This can be two adults, an adult and child that are not related by marriage or blood, a child taking care of a parent, etc... It offers a lot of good for folks that cannot currently be covered by another's insurance because they aren't legally bound together. And, yes, this bill allows two consenting adults that may or may not be in a same sex relationship, to be listed as a "domestic partners" in order to get health coverage.

With out missing a beat, the self proclaimed "moral" voice of Utah began its symphonic rendition of "man beating chest." Such statements as "it is vile," "repugnant," and "those aren't my beliefs," are made by the Representatives of the population of this great state. Please explain to me how allowing individuals to get the health care they need is objectional? This actually reduces the money the state pays for the uninsured, by allowing people that cannot get insurance to be covered by private insurance. Isn't that what Conservatism is all about? Less government? Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot....I am in Utah. Conservatism is only a veil that is used so the majority can enact their philosophies on the minority. Invoking morality is far more important than saving a buck, but only if it is their kind of morality. Anybody else's morality will cost the state too much.

As a person that likes to dig beneath the surface, I have to wonder what are the motivations of these elitist, moral types that are hell bent on making their ideas the only acceptable ideas? I am a believer that when looking at any issue, if one can dig down to find the motivations of those involved, one can find the real issue at hand.

What is the motivation?
In this issue, you have one side (the side of the city and its residents) that want to enact a provision that will offer a health care partnership, no matter the legal relationship. The other side (the government officials of the state) have stated they will stop this bill from being passed because it goes against the marriage amendment. Last I checked, the city wasn't registering people for marriage. Gay relationships would be the least of their concerns in that case. Incestual marriage by a child taking care of a parent just to get health care? Wow, that would be interesting. Oh, but those folks (the non gay folks) have been brushed aside in this argument. This is a GAY issue. No....this is a morality issue. This is an argument that is motivated by a bunch of "high on themselves" types that love invoking Godly power over the heathen masses.

If you really think about it, why do some people feel the need to control others? If what a person does in the privacy of their own home is protected under the Constitution, then why are there so many zealot types trying to find a way to insert their control into everyone's life? My personal opinion in this particular case is that these people control what is around them so they don't have to look inside to find what it is they truly believe in. That Shakespearian saying..."thou doth protest too much, methinks" really does apply in behaviors and actions such as these.

In this State, everything political is either "you are with us or against us," there is no middle ground. Most everything is also a religious issue, and repeat after me...."you are with us or against us." The persecution complex is more of a mindset here than a psychological event. But that is a topic for another day.

Look at the representative in this picture (the older man). Just look at his face. There is no compassion there, there is no respect for the life beside him. He, as part of the moral majority, finds this individual to be an abomination. He has cast his judgement without even knowing the individual speaking. Either that, or he just ate a Brussel Sprout (that is probably what my face looks like after eating one). This Representative has a bone to pick with anyone that doesn't agree with his idea of how one chooses to live their life. Why would that be? I have to wonder. What does he get from taking this position? Of course, I can't get the answer from him, but from what I have gathered, he is afraid that this bill will bring forth a scourge of gay sex on the streets of downtown and destroy the bedrock foundation of marital bliss as made by one man and one woman. Sound ridiculous? I think so. Actually, I think most rational people would think such an idea is ridiculous and undeserving.

There we have it then, this isn't rational thinking, this is emotional thinking. This particular individual and those that agree with his perspective are acting out on a personal feeling or emotion and not one of rational governance. The look on his face says it all....he HATES this guy. The emotion within him has bubbled to the surface and the truth has been revealed. This is not a a rational government issue, this is his morality/beliefs determining what is right and wrong for ALL the people no matter the differing philosophies of how one can live in pursuit of their happiness.

I guess if you have lived in Utah for very long, this discussion offers no new revelation. This is the ugly side of living in such a beautiful place. Issues like this one are common and produce a great amount of hostility among the people, from both sides. It is sometimes enough to make you pack your bags and head to quieter waters, but then the thought comes into my head, "Does such a place exist?" Is there a place where people just love and accept one another? Where people can believe what they want to believe.....for themselves and not anyone else? A place where we respect the differences in people and their ideas. Where we no longer see people as polarizing labels (gay, liberal, conservative, anti-Mormon, tree-hugger...). I suppose such a place lives only in my dreams. A dream where the motivation is simply to live in peace and quiet.

Mr. Sunshine

Finally, the weather has warmed and the Sun has come out from behind the clouds making a splendid appearance. Yesterday I went to City Creek again. A case of Spring Fever appeared to be an affliction to many. Runners, joggers, walkers, bikers and dog'rs caused traffic jams up and down the canyon.
I took my point and shoot camera with me so that I could capture the blue sky and beautiful crisp white snow. Every so often as I would round a corner that put me closer to the creek, I could smell the fresh water. It had that fresh, dusty smell of new run off water. It smelled like Spring.



Unfortunately my photography class was canceled last week, so I am back to learning on my own. I did order two basic photography books. Hopefully I can teach myself until I get the opportunity to take a class again.