Regrets

This morning I had read something that was of no real consequence, but let it get the best of me. I began to go down the "defensive" road, and wanted to write about a statement someone made which has no bearing on me nor my life in anyway. This particular individual touched a part of me that has been with me all my life. It is the weak spot in me. There are few things in my life that can bring my defenses up and what she said was one of them. I am slowly trying to mend my wounds, and become a stronger person.

I do seek to educate were I find wrongs, were I find misinformation and misunderstandings. My desire is to be a person that not only lives a life that is fun, adventurous, and stimulating, but one of empathy, education, and diplomacy. When my buttons get pushed, my brain goes a little crazy, and the resultant is that I can come across preachy and even arrogant. Two characteristics which I despise in others. As they say, what you despise in others is what you despise most in yourself. This is true. I usually have my husband around to say "Bin, what is going on?" Those few words seems to settle my restless spirit. Since he isn't around, I didn't have my control measures in place.

For someone reading this that didn't read my post, you may be all confused as to what I am talking about. That is because I removed the post. An old friend of mine wrote me, and as I read his words I began to see just what I had done. I had let my buttons get pushed, and worse, it wasn't even someone doing it to me, I did it to myself.

I think I woke up on the wrong side of the bed today. It seemed like I was off all day, and although I understand why I said what I did, I also find the motivation behind what I said to be jaded and misguided. I am usually (except for today) aware that no one person's thoughts, words, or even deeds has power over me. I forgot that this morning, and allowed myself to fall into an old way of thinking. It is amazing how much improvement one can make, only to be reminded of how far there is yet to go. Inside of me, as there is in most, is a vulnerable, insecure girl that struggles to be the strong and confident woman that I am capable of being. Sometimes the vulnerability comes to the surface and has a mouth the size of Texas.

I am bound to make mistakes, and have foot in mouth situations. Everyone does. I did today. I guess the good part is that I see my mistake and can take steps to change that. Learning from my mistakes is one thing, changing so that they don't happen again is where the real challenge lies.



Jason - I am sorry I missed you on your visit in town. I hope your family is well, and it was nothing too serious. Keep in touch, and if you did want to get a hold of me next time you're in town you will have to email me for my cell number. I no longer have a home phone. Thanks for your input on my recent post.