Living in between

I managed to make it back to Salt Lake early this morning. It was yet another joy filled ride on the red eye flight from Honolulu. This time I was lucky enough to get the middle seat, straddled between two guys in their early twenties, neither of which was willing to share the arm of the chair. After I had had enough of squeezing my arms to my sides, I nudged my way in trying to attain some sense of space on either side of me. Neither of them budged. It was almost as if they enjoyed bumping into my boob, or the feeling of drool dripping from my mouth onto their arm as I attempted some sleep. Whatever the deal was, I found it incredibly rude. We landed in the snow covered Salt Lake Valley just as the sun was starting its trek over the Wasatch Mountains. It was cold and I only had on a denim jacket and a fairly thin Hawaiian (or Aloha) shirt. I think it was about 23 degrees.

On the way home I began to feel the stress of living two lives, or better said, living one life in two places 6 hours apart. It is starting to take its toll on me. My heart is with my husband and he is working in Hawaii. Our home and my life is struggling to take root here in Utah. The funny thing is that when we decided to move here, we both thought that our lives might settle a bit. Now our life is crazier than ever. I find myself in the predicament of needing to decide how I want to proceed with the next 6-9 months of my life. Do I pack up, pack the cats, hire a house sitter, and bolt to Hawaii for the time, or do I continue on with the coming and goings? Today, after that hellish flight, I feel the former is the best way to go. After all, a house is just a house. It will be here when we get back (knock on wood). I can really get to enjoy living in Hawaii, probably a once in lifetime opportunity.

I don't know why this is such a hard decision for me. On paper, and upon reflection, it seems crazy to stay here when I want to be in Hawaii with Larry, but for some reason I am always afraid that something bad will happen and we will lose everything. That if I am not here to hold down the fortress, all hell will break lose. It sounds crazy, but I have always been afraid of losing the things and people that I care about. I feel as if something bad will happen because I am not around to take care of it all. Maybe it is just some control issue I have sprouted from a childhood of never getting to have control in my life, so I grab onto things that I can control and in turn I become dependent on that control. Who knows. Does that sound like a good analysis of the deep seeded haunts in my psyche? I guess this probably sounds like rambling, which is probably what I am doing, but where else to ramble but a blog?

I guess I will think and pray on it. I believe I will have to let things go in order to get the answer. In fact, I think I already have the answer, but I am afraid to let go. I guess I just answered myself. See....I knew this blog was good for something. I should title it "Blogology," or "Psychog." I have always found help in figuring things out when I can write about what is on my mind. It has always been therapeutic for me.

For the time being, I guess I will continue to live in between, but I think I will try hard to make the best decision for myself and what I want and need for my own enjoyment of life, and not to get stuck on the need for control and obligation.