What is Happiness?

Last night I was up late talking with Larry about what it means to happy. It became a rather in depth conversation, delving into the spiritual and religious realm. The question stuck with me this morning, so I thought I would write about it.

First, I should say that I think I am a generally happy person, but when I say, "I am happy" it seems to come across somewhat "Stepford-like," as if I have a glazed over look on my face with a painted on smile. That couldn't be further from the truth. I think the word "happy" gets a bad rap because it seems so superficial. I decided to see if there was any quantifiable way to define "happy," and after spending a few minutes searching the web, I realized the term "happy" is not definable. Everyone has a different definition of happiness and what it means to be happy. Most searches also produced a series of "life coaches" or salesmen trying to sale you happiness to fill that big, empty void in one's life. That opened up more doors of thought it my head. If being happy cannot be defined, then any one person conniving enough could tell another person how to be happy for a small fee. There is no scale to determine whether their techniques will work since "happiness" is different for every person. The only person that gains any happiness from this outcome is probably the sales person as they rake in the cash convincing you you are in need of their services. Even then, their happiness is based on superficial conditions (money and probably power).

So what does it mean to me when I say I feel a sense of well being, peace, and yes, happiness? Let me first say that it doesn't mean I don't struggle. I struggle everyday. Sometimes the struggle is unbearable and I become hopeless and lost, but I always find my way out. It is a sense of knowing my life has purpose and being in love with that purpose. The struggle is what makes me happy. Without it I would never have to dig down inside, look for the strength in myself, find the goodness in the world and in people, or need to seek a higher power and understanding of why I am here. The struggle makes for the calm. In fact, I don't think I know anyone that is truly happy/content/at peace that hasn't had to overcome huge obstacles in their life.

Take yesterday for instance: I have chosen to be a running partner with my girlfriend (long distance partner) and I have made the promise to myself that I will do a half marathon with her. Funny thing is I hate running, absolutely hate it, but I have committed myself to doing it, and therefore it makes me "happy." I went to City Creek Canyon while it was snowing and about 23 degrees. I started up the hill, my breath burning my lungs, the cold freezing my eyes and tongue, and the cold wind blowing ice crystals that felt like glass slicing my face. 1 mile into it I wanted to stop and turn around, but I couldn't. I kept going, and each corner I rounded, I anxiously sought out my 2 mile marker. It seemed like forever before that lovely little "2" showed up. I smiled and felt a deep sense of accomplishment. I turned around and went down the hill. 4 miles took me over and hour to do, but I was "happy." I struggled and struggled, and afterwards I was content with my minor accomplishment. My bones and muscles ached, but I slept amazingly.

I am not saying pain equates to happiness. I'm not a masochist. What I am trying to say is that "happiness" is a sense of being, it is a love that is always within you no matter the battles in your life. I know people, even pious people, that equate misery with being a better person, as if life is an endurance test. "If I am unhappy then I must be doing what God wants me to do because happiness is just too human and emotional." I don't understand this type of reasoning. Why would any loving parent want their children to live a life of unhappiness and be miserable? I also have heard views that if I "do" enough than I will be rewarded with God's love and He will make me happy by giving me rewards and promises of prosperity. For me having grown up in house where conditions were placed on love, I would think God would offer us something better in unconditional love, no matter our success and failures. I also wonder within a "be good, get rewards" system of happiness how that translates to folks who do everything just to survive, but conditions that are not within their control (war, famine, disease), make them suffer just to live? Does it also automatically mean they are unhappy and without purpose? Does that mean God does not love them? I guess that would be determined by what type of God you believed in.

I spent a lot of my life wondering why God hated me so much, what was so awful about me to deserve such pain. After all, it was He who put me in a abusive, dysfunctional home, it was He who allowed someone to molest me, it was He who put me in an environment where I was chastised almost daily for not following the flock. It was incredibly painful and has lasting effects. Those wounds will never really go away. But I also see now that those awful experiences made me who I am today. Without them, I would not be here writing these words.

Pain, anger, struggling, sorrow, and suffering are all a part of life. They exists and will always exists, but pain is not a test, it is not a place to dwell within. The pain of life shows us the beauty and love of life. Try to imagine being happy if you never felt the sharp pains of sorrow? It is impossible to do so. They do not exists separately. But it is that sense that "this to shall pass" and that "everything I need is within me" that fills that void within. There is no thing, no person who can tell me what my happiness is, or tell me a set criteria for finding my happiness. It is for me and me alone. It fills me up inside, it helps me get out of bed, it makes me love my life and find joy even in the pain. It is everything I know and everything yet to be revealed to me. It is.....undefinable.