Babies on the Brain

I am turning the dreaded 36 in a couple of weeks (dreadful only in the biological clock way). This has made me think about my ability to have a child if I so chose to, if it is still possible. I told myself that when I turned 36 I would make the decision to either go for it, or to choose to not have a child of my own. Well here I am staring at the big numbers 3 and 6, and am no closer to a decision than I was a year ago, 5 years ago, or 10 years ago for that matter.
I love children, I love babies, and I have a natural rapport with them. When I worked at a private school, I did aftercare with the little ones. After my normal school day, I would come into the play room, about five of them would run and jump on me...literally. Imagine me with a couple of 5 years olds dangling off me yelling, "Ms. Bindy, Ms. Bindy come play with us." It was then that I knew I needed to work with children. How many people out there can connect with kids so easily? Probably not many.
I speak to babies the same way. Recently I was at the airport doing my own thing, reading my book, and as a women walked by I looked up and saw the baby she was holding. She was carrying it in a way that allowed the baby (couldn't tell the sex) to look around. The baby made eye contact with me, and smiled at me with the biggest smile, it almost made me laugh. I smiled back, and we continued eye contact all the way down the hall until I couldn't see it anymore. This happens to me a lot. I have had mothers literally rip their baby out of my arms because I was able to get it to calm down when they couldn't. As if my getting them to calm down was some sort of statement about their ability to mother.
So there is no doubt that I enjoy children, but enjoying children is much different than raising children. At the end of the day, I get to come home to my quiet, calm home and they go to their home. I sometimes think having kids would make working with them less enjoyable. It would be too exhausting.

I do think about being pregnant and having our child and how special that would be, then I think about the morning sickness, the aching boobs, the swollen feet, and then there's the whole pushing a watermelon out my pachanga, followed by endless sleepless nights, and smelly diapers. But when I think about the smell of a baby's head or the smile on its face when it looks at its parents, the eggs that I have left inside my ovaries start popping like popcorn in a popcorn maker. I guess I have a wee, tiny, little baby bug, but I also am very aware of who I am, what I am capable of and not capable of.
I am very capable of loving...maybe too much. I can be very over protective, a little smothering, overly worried, and am generally all or nothing. I'm either in it full fledged or not at all. These, in my opinion, are not the best qualities for great parenting because it could make me nuts, not to mention what it would do to my husband and the child.

As most couples we know, they got married because they wanted to have children. It was a big part of being married. Larry and I were very different. We are together because we want to just be together for the companionship. Having children was never part of the equation. In fact, a lot of the couples that married and then started having children aren't nearly as close with each other as Larry and I are. They are "mom" and "dad" and that is essentially what their marriage is. I am not saying it is a bad way of living, it is just not the way Larry and I wanted to live. I was also not raised to believe that the only worthwhile venture as a woman was to be a mother. As I stated earlier, I can "mother" lots of children, not just one or two. I am maternal without having children.
I believe that in my thinking process I am very rational about all the reasons why having a baby does or doesn't makes sense. It does change everything about your life, both in good and in bad ways. I think having a child is one of the few choices we get to have that can never be reversed. There are no take-backs. I also understand that compared to most, I think about the choice a lot more. But I do this in most everything in my life. My choices have to make sense to me, not to everyone else. My reasons have to come from a place within me that only I can trust.

I don't know what will happen. I do know that I could be perfectly happy on my current course; living my life with my husband and animals, being free to live and do as we wish when we wish to do it. It would be rich and rewarding. Having a child would also be rich and rewarding in a completely different way. In both lives there are sacrifices and rewards.
As my mother would tell me, "you just think about it too much, you just need to do it and get it over with." Some may agree with her, but that isn't me, that isn't how I act.
So where is the other half on the subject? Yeah him....I guess he would be part of the whole thing too. Well he is generally mum on the whole thing. Like me, he could be happy either way. I think he would like to be more settled in the career bit (he is not even living here right now), but generally I think he would love to be a father.

I guess turning 36 has brought a bit more out of me than I thought. I guess the alarm has sounded and now I have a choice to make. What's it going to be? I have no friggen idea!