Pretending

Last Sunday, I received a phone call from my step-dad. I haven't heard from or seen the man since last Christmas. He lives less than 10 miles away from me, but has done nothing to maintain any kind of relationship with me. To be completely honest, I prefer it that way. I had hoped that I wouldn't hear from him again, but a holiday/birthday rolled around and I guess he decided to do the obligatory "dad" thing and do his duty to wish Larry a Happy Birthday. I informed him that Larry was not here and how he could reach him. As of today, Larry has still not received the all important birthday phone call from him. Halloween night I received another message from him stating "well, I have a little something for him, and for you too," never mind that my birthday was 5 months ago.

There comes a time in a persons life when they finally go "that's it, I am not wasting my life pretending there is any kind of relationship here." That is where I am. He was an asshole to me as a child and he is still an asshole. WHY must I have anything to do with the man? Because some legal document says that he is my Father therefore I MUST have a relationship with him. It is pointless. Familial relationships, or any deep, meaningful relationship does not come from a legal requirement or even blood, it has to do with honor, trust, respect, kindness, compassion, commitment, and all the elements that consist of and make up love. When one does not have love in a relationship, especially one between and child and parent, there is NO relationship. It just becomes about hanging on to something that isn't, and in this case, was never there.

I have struggled for many years, yearning to rid myself of this man. The first time I did it, my mother guilted me into accepting him back into my life. Most recently, with this sudden silence on his end, I had hoped that he was finally getting it. Maybe he had begun to understand the concept of trimming back the shrub, seeing the limbs long dead needing to be removed. That is how I feel, and I had hoped he had felt the same. Apparently I was wrong as he still finds some satisfaction in being "pretend" dad by calling on major holidays.

I'll admit I am an "all or nothing" type personality. I give my all to things/people I value and that value me, or I give relatively little to where there is no value. I cannot do the "pretend" aspect of a relationship. I might go months between talking to my sister, but since our relationship has all the elements of love, the lack of words between us is not an issue. I cannot continue to pretend to love a person with whom I have none of the elements of love. One could argue that in fact this particular relationship consists of elements of the exact opposite, contempt, guilt, anger, possessiveness, etc... .

I now have to figure out how best to proceed. I have been known for putting it all out there, being upfront and completely honest, but that hasn't worked in the past with him, why would it now? Plus there is my sister that is still hanging on to the man for some parental affirmation. She cannot see him the way I do, and cannot cut ties like me, so out of respect for her I find myself in a sticky situation. Right now, the best I can think of is to hope for a slow death and decay, a withered vine scenario. Maybe with time, he will realize that there is no relationship and nothing worth keeping in touch with me for. I don't need him for anything anymore. The time for that has passed and he failed miserably at it. It is unfortunate, but at least it's real.