Seeking

'you seek too much, that as a result of your seeking you cannot find.'
'How is that?' asked Govinda
'When someone is seeking,' said Siddhartha, 'it happens quite easily....that he is unable to find anything, unable to absorb anything, because he is only thinking of the thing he is seeking, because he has a goal, because he is obsessed with his goal. Seeking means: to have a goal; but finding means: to be free, to be receptive, to have no goal.'

I came across this quote a few days ago while reading, and it resonated with me rather intensely. Most of my adult life I have been on the quest to find the "thing," the truth of who I am and what I am suppose to do, as if it were some treasure piece wrapped in pretty, sparkling ribbons and bows. I have sought high and low, out there in the world, and even within myself, but nothing ever was found. I was the queen of making goal accomplishment lists. If I did a,b,c, and d then I would make it, I would find what was waiting for me at the end of the rainbow. Underneath that rainbow would be my own pot of gold with all the answers to all the questions I had ever asked myself. It sounds juvenile to me now, but that is what I was taught. Work hard, attain goals, and you will have every thing and all the love you could ever want.

After at least 15 years of running in circles, checking off my list, punishing myself for those goals not attained, I gave up. I threw in the towel and said I was done with it all. My husband, who is a rather assertive and competitive individual was dumbstruck. How could I possibly just give up?
I gave up because I was tired of seeking, of trying to be something that the world and my expectations told me I needed to be. I gave up because I found myself trying to extract love from people that were unable or incapable of giving me the love that I so desperately sought. I gave up, and essentially I gave in. That was when the world changed for me. I suddenly found a well within myself that needed to be filled and not with some random list of accomplishments, but with love. Love of life, love of humanity, love of God, and love of myself. I had to tear down most the walls of my upbringing and culture and start over. I had to once again learn to be free and accept life as it came, like I did as a child. Expectations lead to doubt and frustration, and as adults it seems that is all we are (speaking personally). We have either met or failed our expectations. This has led to misery for me, and many others that I know. It traps you from being who you really are.

Now when I look to the future, I try to do what comes naturally to me. I try not to seek any answers, but choose to take the path that brings me peace, finding my answers along the way. It isn't always easy to break old habits and behaviors. I fell off the wagon a few months ago writing a list of expectations for the summer. Sure enough, afterwards I became obsessed with these accomplishments, sacrificing the moment. Although I try, I can still be taunted by my yellow pad of paper calling out to me, "come back, come back." I close my eyes, smile, and move on without expectation of what is to come.