My Dreams

I have always had what I consider "bizarre" dreams. All levels of weird can be found drifting in and out of my psyche while I sleep. I have only discussed my dreams with a few people, so I cannot say for sure if they are any different than anyone else on the "bizarre" spectrum of dreams.
The first strange dream I recall having was when I was in Jr. High, and I dreamt that I was having a conversation with myself. I was sitting down in my cheerleader uniform, knees arched up, my hands tucked under my knees, and a glass shield dividing the area I was sitting in. On the other side of the glass was my exact image reversed. Somehow we (me) talked to each other. I don't recall the conversation, but I believe it was the fact that I was talking to myself as a separate person that really threw me for a loop. Later I just summed it up with my Geminian tendencies.

A repeated dream I have had at different times in my life is a dream about giving birth. As I have not actually given birth, the way it happens is all very strange and different each time. A women I once knew that studies Jungian psychology told me most likely it was my subconscious mind telling me I was going through a change, a rebirth of sorts.
One the disturbing end, I had a dream that I was having sex with the barrel of a pistol, and then I actually pulled the trigger! This one sent me to a dream discussion board trying to figure it out. The only person that would touch it was a weird dude that thought I wanted to be controlled sexually. Hummmm, but I was the one pulling the trigger!! Thanks goodness I don't have too many dreams like this one.

I have also had some spiritual type dreams. One example has to do with dolphins offering a part of themselves to me, a piece that I have to reach inside of them for. Another was when I was on an island with a group or colony of people that were wearing something reminiscent of "serf" type clothing (almost rags). As I sat on a hill on the island, the people came up to me and began to scrape the skin off my body with a bone given by my dolphin. They later sewed me back together with a new skin. It was not painful or scary as it probably sounds, but actually a very peaceful dream.

These are just a few, but that brings me to my reason for writing this post....my dream last night. What I can remember is that I was wearing a mini, mini skirt, one where the lower part of my rear end was hanging out. I was trying to catch a flight out of an airport that was more like a dark, dungeon type mall. As I was trying to find out where my plane was, a small male person (like a dwarf) came up behind me and stuck his face in my rear and wouldn't stop inhaling me (hello...am I a dog here?). The side story (I will often have multiple stories going on in dreams, but in the same location) was me, still in my mini skirt, watching out for a young boy named Nicholas who went down a grate in the floor where a Blue Monster lived (he also had blue sparkly jewels in his skin). I keep calling out to the boy to warn him about the Blue Monster, but it only angered the monster, whom eventually scared Nicholas out of the grate where I was kneeling down. The next thing I know my husband is quietly trying to close a drawer on the chest of drawers in our bedroom. The sound of the drawer closing, pulled me out of my deep slumber. Strange dream though, isn't it?

I personally think it is just my creative mind often times finding a way of expressing ideas and thoughts when I am not able to express them day to day. But I do sometimes wonder what is really going on inside my psyche.

My obvious brain smoke

I have entered back into the realm of "studying student" again, and I have the obvious signs to prove it. I reread my last post, which appears to have been typed by a third grader (maybe not, third grade might be giving me too much credit, Kindergarten sounds more appropriate). Spelling errors, missing words, wrong words. Goodness!
I will give myself some slack and say that I have been studying a lot these last few days, completing three quizzes in Anatomy and studying for my fourth and an exam, beginning to learn a new alphabet....yes...I said a NEW alphabet in Phonetics (an alphabet based on how words sound rather than how they are spelled), and trying to read about how children learn speech from the driest author known to mankind. I get up really early to get my studying done first thing because I am a horrible procrastinator.
Distance Learning is not for the procrastinators of the world. I will be screwed if I don't stay on top of it. I HAVE to excel in these classes so that I may have a chance of getting into an SLP program at either school (Utah or Utah State). Already having one Masters may help, or it may not. Who knows? Competition is stiff.

So that brings me to the slurred writing I am seeing in my posts these days. I guess all the studying has fried my brain out so that when I do post, it is lacking in full thought and grammar. I don't really take my blog as seriously as I do my other work, so I guess it will pay the price. Sorry to anyone out there that might be reading my blog, and thinking to themselves, "and she works in education???"

On the plus side...I am loving what I am learning, and can say with confidence that I am moving in the right direction.

Corrections completed in previous post, I hope : ). Hopefully this one isn't as bad.

$7400 in chewed Vick cards to Humane Society

That was the title of a story I read this morning. Too bad it didn't read $7400 of Michael Vick to the Humane Society (but I think the chewed cards are worth more than the person on them). This kind of abuse and cruelty just eats at me. I find it intolerable behavior. I personally think the Ass is getting off easy, and should have to spend the next 30 years volunteering at the Humane Society working to get slime balls like him removed from society. He should also have to give all of his millions to animal charities that have to deal with the aftermath of such cruelty.
I have no idea what God has planned for his afterlife, if his sins will be forgiven, but I (in my vengeful mind) would like him to spend eternity having to go through what he put those animals through. The ultimate payback would be for Vick to spend eternity as a chew toy for all the animals that he murdered and destroyed. That would be the appropriate sentence for his crimes .

Disintegration

I received an email this morning from Smith Tix with a cancellation/rescheduling of The Cure concert in October. I am so bummed. The tour is rescheduled for April/May of 08. I hope I will be back in Salt Lake when they perform here. I would rather see them here than in Honolulu (if they even go to Honolulu). I was really looking forward to seeing them in October. Larry even rescheduled his departure date so he could go with me to the concert.

Whining now commences.....

Just for fun

He jumped onto the train leaving Terminal A to get to his plane in Terminal C. His hand grasped the poll firmly. Setting his bag down, he quickly glanced at his watch, "I'm gonna be late," he thought to himself. The train swayed back and forth on the rails, and as he looked down he realized that some mustard from the sandwich he had eaten a few hours earlier had dripped onto his tie. He began to pick at the dried on condiment in an attempt to regain an air of professionalism. "Terminal B. This is Terminal B," sounded over the intercom. A rush of people entered onto the train, desperate to claim their spot for the ride to the next stop. The last to enter was an older lady, moving slowly with her single suitcase in tow. Upon entering, she stopped, looked up, and searched for a place to stand. As no other individual would give up their spot, the man with the dried mustard on his tie, stepped aside and offered his area around the poll. She graciously accepted, and with a big smile said, "Thank you."

As they continued onto the next terminal, the older lady looked up at the tall, strong, young man, and noticing his uniform she politely asked, "are you really a pilot?" He replied, "No ma'am, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night." The train erupted in laughter, although he wasn't sure if the lady understood his joke. He winked at her, followed by a smile and quietly said, "yes, ma'am. I am a pilot."

This is an actual story my husband shared with me recently when he returned from one of his trips. It made me laugh hysterically. Now every time I see that commercial, I imagine him saying those words.

Bar-b-q

Today we went to a local Barbecue cook-off downtown at the Gallivan's center. It was a pretty small affair, at least while we were there. The food was pretty good, but I had hoped for some cooks from other parts of the country. It was all local vendors. The weather was a little on the hot side, but the shade was cool. We just hung out and enjoyed the music and food. Pretty relaxing Saturday afternoon.

The Perfect Day

Yesterday the weather was so perfect, Larry and I decided that a good, long hike was in order. After a stop out at the dump (we have been cleaning out the garage) we made our way to Big Cottonwood Canyon. On the trip towards the canyon we took a side drive through my old neighborhood where I grew up. So much has changed, yet so much is exactly the same. There are more houses, more people, and more traffic. The older neighborhoods have kind of become more desolate and less manicured as younger families choose the new, super sized homes being squeezed onto parcels of land that had been left vacant during my youth.

I drove through the old streets of my neighborhood remembering the first time I took my hands off the handlebars on my bike as I coasted down the hill toward my home. My old home now seems to have taken a turn for the worse. I drove by my house a few years ago when I was "new" in town and nostalgic for the old days. The house looked well loved and cared for, but was for sale. I could see yesterday that the new owners don't care for the house as it had been in the past. I felt sad for it. It made me start to think about pieces of a person left imprinted in a place they once lived or spent time. It made me wonder if a place has a memory of time and space, or if it just the person whose memories implanted on the soul and the mind are what makes the memory seem so alive when it is seen, smelt, or heard once again. Maybe I will dig deeper into this discussion at another time.

We turned the corner and made our way to my old duck hangout. Near my home there once was old horse and small farm land. Most of that has been eaten up by suburban sprawl. Next to the road is a river where ducks spend time in the shade of the trees. I used to be one of the few that would spend time down at the river feeding the ducks and making sure they didn't cross the road. I was happy to see that the ducks are still there and have multiplied manifold. Benches have been set up along the canal road with some new fencing to keep the ducks from being squashed by impatient passersby. Children and families come to feed the ducks and enjoy their company. I was happy to see the area so well used.

We continued East finally making it to Brighton. We have hiked in this area many times before, usually toward the lakes, but this time I decided to head up towards the peaks to the East. After 3 hours we made it to to Snake Creek Pass.

This is the view looking out toward Heber Valley.

The view to Mount Timpanogos


Someone popped his little head into my picture....

It was perfect weather, if not even a little chilly. We got a little lost, but found our back to Dog Lake, and lucky us, came across a brother and a sister moose (mooses? moosi?) chowing down on the green grass surrounding the lake.

As we got down towards the bottom, we were surprised to find that another sibling pair (I know they are siblings because I was talking to a resident who has been watching them for 4 years), two brothers, that were out in the open at the resort chowing down.

Trying to get this picture, I wasn't paying much attention to where I was walking (no..not me!) and found myself in a patch of stinging nettle. Fortunately, the aftermath wasn't too bad. I have had much worse. I put some aloe lotion on it and it helped the swelling and stinging lessen.

On the drive back down the canyon, The Cure came on the radio. I was singing along as I always do and as the song ended the D.J. announced they were coming in concert on Oct. 4th. I looked at Larry and exclaimed, "I am getting tickets!" He smiled and laughed at me. Larry and I are on different wavelengths when it comes to music, but he puts up with me.

After we got home, I jumped on the computer to find that the floor was already sold out. Damn! I had to get the lower level seats, which aren't bad, but I hope the people behind me don't plan on sitting down! I have never seen The Cure in concert and there is no way in hell I am going to sit down and clap my hands to Fascination Street.

Larry grilled some T-Bones and corn on the cob. I heated up some baked beans (I got the tough job), and we ravenously consumed our food while watching the movie Eragon. It was a cute movie and entertaining. Larry really liked it, especially all the flying scenes.
We did the dishes, watched the news and I crashed before I got to the second paragraph in my book.

It was a perfect day.

I found someone I thought I lost

Yesterday I stepped outside to water my herb pots and clean off the back deck. As I stood out the side of the house with the hose spraying water over the basil and rosemary, I noticed a car pull into the driveway. It wasn't a car I recognized, and people have been known to use my driveway to back track when they have turned onto my street by accident. I went back to my basil, but then as the car began to turn to go down the street, it stopped in front of the house and parked. The door opened, and a young guy with a satchel strapped over is shoulder got out and began to walk towards me. I stared until it finally hit me...."Ben??.......Ben!" I squealed out. His shaved, blond head and thin physique was what gave him away. I walked toward the gate, opened it, and gave him a big , hard, hug.

Ben is my cousin, one I thought I had lost about a year and half ago. It was a crushing blow at the time to realize that I may never see him again, but the fact that he stopped by with the desire to meet up with me again tells me that he may be open to having some of his family back in his life.
The last time I saw him was at his wedding. Months before the wedding he had converted to the Mormon religion so that he could marry the women he was in love with. It was a struggle for me, not because he was becoming a Mormon, but that in doing so meant that he would no longer have a relationship with his family, me included. I speak from personal experience with former friends and relationships, most of which ended for the same reasons. Until yesterday, I had figured the same for Ben. His new wife had made it pretty clear that although she loved Ben, she didn't really care to have any of us "non Mormon" types, otherwise known to the rest of the world outside Utah as people with faiths and beliefs other than the Mormon faith, in their/her life. I say this not to be mean, but to be honest. She, with her family, made it known that we (me and my family) were not a welcome addition to their lives. I had pretty much given up hope of ever seeing my cousin again. It now appears things may have changed, at least for Ben.

He had I have always had a special relationship. We are more like brother-sister than cousins. Even more like twins, separated by a year and two mothers that are sisters. We are sooooo similar in our traits and actions, even in our demeanor. I was ecstatic to say the least to see him again. When I talked with him it was like that instant connection was back again, that feeling of closeness and love. What's more is his sense of humor is exactly like my grandfather's, the one I have been writing about lately. So when Ben told me he was going back to school to become a Nurse, I wasn't sure if he was joking or not. He is in fact going to be a Nurse, and is walking away from an 11 year career with FedEx. He says this with complete satisfaction and happiness, and I couldn't be happier for him.

As he left we talked to about getting together and spending some more time with one another. I am hesitant regarding his wife as we didn't get off to a good start, if any start at all, but my love for Ben will outweigh any hesitation and I will hope for a better outcome in a reunion with her. Weddings are stressful, marriage is stressful, and meeting new, unfamiliar family is stressful. I will give her the benefit of the doubt and extend an invitation to her once again.

Mostly I am just thrilled beyond belief that he made the effort to connect with me. My heart is full.

*I picked this song specifically for this post. I think the lyrics speak for themselves.*

Jumping in and hoping for a good landing

I started my classes this week. Officially they haven't actually started classes at Utah State, but one of the benefits about distance ed is that professors upload coursework early, so starting early is an option (if not expected). I am already loving the Anatomy of Speech and Hearing reading. Who knew all the parts involved in just pronouncing a vowel? I am really eating it up. Distance education does require a bit of self discipline as there are no prescribed dates for lecture. Fortunately, I am the type of person that prefers to work at my own speed, get it done early, and give myself plenty of time to study for final exams.

In a lot of ways I feel like I am taking a step back in my career growth, but a step forward in satisfaction and happiness with my work. Occasionally, I beat myself up for not being 10 years younger or not figuring things out better ten years ago, but then I tell myself "I am where I am, and I can either spend my days beating myself up and going nowhere, or I can take the step towards the right direction." This usually takes care of the pity party. I do count myself lucky to have a husband that supports my dream and goals. It makes all the difference.

I have met some of the people in the classes (via email) and it is interesting to find they are very similar in personality to me. Their backgrounds are also just as diverse. It is comforting to know I am in good company. My Phonetics professor has 2 Masters, a Ph.D, and speaks 10 languages fluently, most of which are Native American!! How exciting! Plus she has 62 cats! Okay....she actually volunteers for an animal rescue charity.

I am starting to feel right at home!


*The song I picked for this post is a fairly new release and is all the rage here in Utah*

Saturday

After the morning blast off of the Key Bank building, I decided to go for a run. The cloud cover kept the temps cool, so I thought it would be a good idea to take advantage of this sudden decrease in heat. I didn't factor in the humidity though. I had flash backs of running in Florida, and how hard it is to do much of anything in that kind of heat. Thank God I don't live there anymore.
I came back to my sweetie mowing the lawn. He finished up, and I made some scones, ate breakfast and read the paper (that takes about 5 minutes....maybe). We decided to head down to the Farmer's Market for some fresh produce. The place was CRAZY. This market has become a huge summertime event, and is a major success. We picked up some corn, watermelon (which I can live on in the summer), tomatoes, fresh flowers, and one more addition to my garden mushroom collection (see photo). Unfortunately we missed out on the local T-bone steaks and fresh halibut. Next time.

My fresh flowers

I added the green one yesterday.



For most the afternoon we stayed inside watching the storms comes and go, but around 5:00 I decided to drag my husband North to a small community called Huntsville for the Balloon Festival. I missed it last year and was excited to go this year. Larry wasn't in the mood for a two hour drive, but I finally convinced him it would be worth his while. The area around Huntsville is beautiful farm country with surrounding ski areas (Powder Mountain, Wolf Creek etc). I can see a problem arising in the future if some series planning and zoning doesn't happen soon (ski condos being built next to horse pasture). I digress....
The weather wasn't looking too good, but we stuck it out for two hours listening to a couple of bands play and ate some gooey nachos to pass the time before lift off.

Stormy weather on the horizon.

Looming storms above with storms below (hehe). I just thought it looked funny.

Plate of Nachos that caused major heartburn two hours later....




Lightening began to flash overhead, thunder started to rumble, and the heavens opened with a downpour similar to those in Florida. It was mass exodus, and the only balloons we saw get any lift off were the ones the wind stole from children. We ran through the rain, only to find a young boy had lost one of his kittens under a trailer so we stopped to help. We were soaked, but we got the kitten. Success.

We got home around 9:30 and crashed. Even though we didn't get to see the balloons do their night glow and take off, it was still enjoyable. Better than staying home and watching yet another rented movie.

Now I got to go get my snoring hubby out of bed, or we will be late for church.

Crash

This morning I awoke to a distant blast sound. The Key Bank downtown imploded this morning at sunrise. I live about 2-3 miles from the area, and wouldn't expect to have heard it. I guess the dense cloud cover we have today made for a nice echo effect.
The Key Bank building is the last (I believe) building to be taken down for the new multi billion dollar City Creek Center being built over the next 5 years. I am more than happy for the investment downtown, but it is strange to drive by and see a huge pit of nothing where once huge buildings stood. I hope the demolition comes to an end soon, and the building begins.

*the Key Bank link is the implosion footage if interested*

Its Friday and I'm feelin' the love

I ran across this song and had flash backs to a time in my youth. It's summer, it's hot, and it's Friday!

Rock On!

(I don't always understand Steve Perry, so I included the lyrics)

Those crazy nights, I do remember in my youth
I do recall, those were the best times, most of all
In the heat with a blue jean girl
Burnin love comes once in a lifetime
She found me singing by the rail road track
Took me home, we danced by the moonlight

Those summer nights are callin,
Stone in love
Can't help myself I'm fallin
Stone in love

Old dusty roads, led to the river
Runnin slow
She pulled me down, and in clover
We'd go round
In the heat with a blue jean girl
Burnin love comes once in a lifetime
Ooh the memories never fade away
Golden girl, I'll keep you forever.

Things are a changin'

Just got word from my husband's unit in Hawaii that he will be temporarily relocating to Peal Harbor full time starting in October. I had been expecting this, so it doesn't come as a complete surprise, but it does put things in motion that had previously been put on the shelf. I will most likely be joining him in January due to my own commitments here. School will go ahead as planned, and I will just close up the house and find work in Honolulu. I will take it as it comes and remind myself of what a great opportunity it is for Larry and for myself. I will write more about it as the details unfold.

The History of a Life

As I wrote in my last post, I recently visited my my aunt and uncle in a small Utah town. Since I have returned, I have reflected on the hours I spent talking to my aunt about my grandfather. There is no doubt that I have a special connection to my grandfather. I feel like I am more like him than anyone else in my family. Unfortunately he passed away one week before my 30th birthday. When I was 12 he moved from Utah to Missouri so he could have the " big Midwest farm" he had always dreamt of. After he left, a void in my life became apparent. Part of my life; the fun, childish, running around and landing in cow pies because I can part disappeared. When I was 16 my family made the one trip from Utah to Missouri, and that was the last time I saw him alive. My husband and I always said we would make the trip to visit, but as we were living in California, we always had some excuse not to.

A year before he died, he called me on the phone and we talked for hours. It was as if time had stood still. My grandfather was charming and charismatic. He had a sarcastic sense of humor and could get me to fall for any tall tale he told. He also had a mean streak, and was extremely stubborn (a Scottish trait that everyone in my family seems to have). Second of eleven children, he was on his own by the age of 16, joining the Navy during World War II. There is so much of his life I never knew. I wish now that I could have had more time, as an adult, to spend time with him. When I think about him I always see him smiling, mischievously, as if he just got me to believe in one of his stories again. He always told me I was special and different, not like the other kids. Strange... I think at the time I believed him, but felt guilty for thinking so.

Talking to my aunt, she revealed a part of his past that was left out of all the stories I had heard about him. Before leaving Iowa to join the Navy, he had himself a sweetheart. She was to wait for him until he returned home from the war so they could be married. He did return to Iowa, but instead of keeping his promise to his love, he found himself with my grandmother (apparently we Moore women have special gift of getting men to fall in love with us... wink,wink) who was visiting from Utah. They met and 9 months later my aunt was born. Five more kids soon followed. They were a horrible match, one that ended 10 years later. I say this knowing that had they not met, yours truly would not be writing these words. What transpired was a life one might call turbulent and trying, but he made it, and as things go, I believe he had a good life.

About 10 years before his death, this sweetheart from years past was on her death bed. My grandfather made his way to Iowa (she was still living in the same town) to visit her. I can only imagine what transpired between the two of them, but I believe that when they saw each other, it must have been like they were both young and in love all over again. As she laid in bed, she looked at my grandfather and told him, "I'll see you on the other side." She was still so assured that they were meant to be together even after marriages and children. I thought this was such a moving story, and although his meeting my grandmother was a requirement for my life, my hope is that they are together now.

After my aunt shared with me this story, she told me to go get some of his books that were on the bookshelves in the family room and take them home with me. It was easy to pick out his books because they were the same books that I would have picked for myself; history, nature, humanity, culture, and philosophy. This from a man who didn't finish 8th grade. Now I have a part of him in my home and get to brush my fingers over the same pages that his hands once touched.

I picked this Linda Ronstadt song because of the memories I have of it. My grandfather loved Linda Ronstadt, and her music was always playing in the house. When I was about 5 or 6 I heard this song and loved it. I would dance around, twirling my skirt in the living room. He would just sit on the sofa, watching me with a big grin on his face. As I danced and sang, the words "it's so easy" sounded to me like "its no webby." I don't know why, but I KNEW those were the words she was singing, and no matter how hard he tried to get me to see, I would not be deterred. Eventually, he gave up and let me sing it the way I wanted to (there's that old stubborn gene again). On my way home from Lyman, this song came on the radio. I found it odd because I haven't heard it in years. Call it coincidence, or maybe it was some supernatural force, but no matter what it was, it made me remember him. I smiled and hummed to the tune, and me being my grandfather's granddaughter, I had to sing it just the way he would have wanted me to...."its no webby to fall in love....yeah....its no webby to fall in love!"






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Now playing: The Verve - See You In The Next One (Have A Good Time)
via FoxyTunes

Spontaneous Actions

That is what describes last week. It first started with my regularly scheduled haircut. I normally go in and have my hair trimmed to the same style I have had for years. It is boring and lacks any flair, but my hair is fine and blond, so there aren't a whole lot of options. I sat down in the chair, and she asked (as she always does), "so what are we doing today?" I looked at my head and said," I think I need something different." She smiled as if I had just handed her a gift. The next thing I know 5 inches of my hair is on the ground! She kept cutting with all different types of shears, and after all was said and done, I looked in the mirror and saw a young, stylish women with a great head of hair. Man, she can do wonders! It feels strange not having my long locks down my back, but I love the look. It is amazing how cutting off so much hair actually makes me look better. It sounds strange, but my eyes stand out more. I have yet to tell my husband. I figure it will be a big surprise when he gets home, hopefully a good surprise.
Afterwards I called up my friend, Jed, whom I haven't seen in a few months and asked him if he wanted to go hiking with me. He did. We spent the afternoon in Millcreek canyon, sweating our butts off. He carried on forever about his dating problems, and I told him to get over himself and be happy anyone wants to date him at all. He laughed because he knows I'm right. Later, we decided to get a bite to eat and decided on Sugarhouse Barbecue. It is great food on its own, but after 5 days of home made chicken wraps it was especially good.

The next morning I called up my aunt who lives in Lyman, Utah (give you 10 bucks if you can find it on a map) and asked if she wanted some company for a couple of days. She did, so I packed my backpack and hiking boots, tossed them in the back of my car, filled up the gas tank and hit the road. Lyman is 200 miles south of SLC, and I was happy to be out driving to places unknown. It took every ounce of strength to stay on the 15 and not get tempted to take off and get lost (something I enjoy doing.....really.....I do).

My aunt and uncle have lived in SLC their entire adult lives and decided when they retired they wanted to move to a rural community. A rural community is exactly what they got. I could say that it is a "one horse town," but to be honest I think there may actually be more horses then people, defiantly more cows and sheep. They purchased a 1895 farmhouse that hadn't been lived in since the 70s and made it into a great home. My bedroom (the guest room) window looked out over the horse pasture and faced the rising sun. Kentucky, the horse, made sure I wasn't allowed to sleep in. He would start to neigh just as the sun was beginning to peek above the horizon. Every morning I would throw on a pair of cutoff shorts and knee high rubber waders and make my way out to the field to help my aunt move irrigation pipe around the pasture. I loved it! Every moment! I think I have resolved that farming is just in my blood. When I am outside working like that, it feels like a shot of Vitamin B.
The days were spent helping with chores and playing with Kentucky and the farm dogs, or "the boys" as my aunt calls them, Jack and Chico. We spent a day at Capitol Reef and picked peaches and apples at a grove inside the National Park. My aunt is also on the committee for the Wayne County Fair, so I helped her paint some display shelving and do mailers.

Spending time with my aunt and uncle is reminiscent of my childhood when I would visit my grandparents farm in Heber. Those memories have never left me. I absolutely loved my time in Lyman, and I am so happy that I get to have a version of my childhood farm back. Now, I can just drive 3 hours south and get away to a place that time forgot. It's the best.

I got home last night and spent the evening working in my own garden and playing with my cats. It might not be riding horse or bailing hay, but it'll do.....for now.

Killing time at a construction stop.

Horses and pasture.

My uncle taking a nap. The house.

Jack doing what Jack does best ; ). Chico snoozing, sort of.

Kentucky

*Hummingbird photo was taken off the back porch. I got pretty lucky with this one!*
*American Woman by CCR played at least 3 times on the one station I could pick up, so I thought I would include it in my blog for this post.*

Resounding Passion (somewhat adult)

As I have entered into my mid 30s (did I just say that?), I have noticed a strange awakening. As a women, I know that the body often responds through the thoughts of the mind and spirit. As I have been embracing all aspects of myself, this new sexual being has emerged. It is taken me off guard and been completely unexpected. Maybe it is my age, maybe it is that I have been on my thyroid meds for 4 months, who knows. I could examine it to death, but I really don't care what is "causing it." I am just thoroughly enjoying it. It's not that I was asexual before, I just don't think I allowed myself to become consumed by my female passion before.

It isn't just the act of sex, but the whole connection between my mind, body, and spirit. The other night as I was lying down on the couch I lifted one leg straight up in the air, pulling my foot towards me (I was a trained ballet dancer, so none of my ligaments work right). As I stretched my inner thigh, I noticed the curve of my calf and the smoothness of my skin. I began to lightly stroke my lower leg from the knee down to my ankle. This probably sounds either completely normal or extremely odd to some, but for me it was the first time I had caressed my body without some sort of criticism. I relished the moment and the beauty of my leg.
I believe this new acceptance of my body has released me to express myself in areas I never expected. I can't find the words to convey what is happening to me, expect to say that I feel alive everywhere. Passion feels like it is shooting out from all over me. I find myself smiling while doing to most simplistic tasks.

Before my husband left, I was overcome with the desire to kiss him. As we were just sitting on the couch watching T.V. I jumped on to his lap and began kissing him, intensely. He was shocked (after 17 years together, surprises are not too common). After a few minutes, he pulled away and turned my head from right to left. I asked him what he was doing. "I am just looking for a recently inserted computer chip because this person before me is not my wife." I laughed. "Yes I am. I've just been hiding out for a while, and now I am back."



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Now playing: Cary Brothers - Ride
via FoxyTunes

Waitress

I realize this is my second post for the day, but I had to make a movie recommendation. This afternoon I went to see the movie Waitress with a friend, and I have to give it kudos. I loved this movie, both for its heart and its stomach. It is one of those feel good movies that explores what it is to not be happy with your life, being stuck in a bad situation and unable to change it. It also is about love and finding love in the places you would least expect.
The main character is deeply flawed and down to earth (you know, a real human being), but finds herself in the pies she creates. "Falling in love pie," "I hate my husband pie," and "I can't handle an affair because it's wrong and I don't want Earl to kill me pie" just to name a couple. I left the theater feeling uplifted and full, but with a mighty appetite. I highly recommend this film if your looking for a sweet, happy, loving film.

Now let me see if I can create a pie for me.....a chocolate crumb crust, a mix of fresh strawberries, raspberries, and blackberries lightly coated with Cinnamon, layered with a chocolate cheesecake filling. Baked and sprinkled with a little powdered sugar. I'll call it "falling in love all over again" pie.
Sounds good ; )



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Now playing: Adam & The Ants - Antmusic
via FoxyTunes

Yesterday I was goofing off on the computer and came across this website. I took their tests (which I have taken a number of times before) and everything pretty much came out the same except the J vs. P part of the Myers-Briggs test. When I first took Myers-Brigg at college 15 years ago, I was an INFP then, but the latest test had me as an INFJ. With this particular test there were a number of questions that I could have answered either way as being true for me, but I just picked one. Depending on the question, how it is asked, and my own mood for the day could swing it in either direction, but everything else is as it has been since the first time I took this test.

It is just so "of my type" to take these tests and find them interesting. How do they weigh in on the big picture? They are just a layer of information that gives a label for the "type" of person I am. A "healer" type does fit me, and it gives me a list of descriptors to better understand what that means. I think that it can help to know a little bit about natural traits and personality, so that it is easier to understand who you are and why you think the way you do. I think it would be smart of high schools to have students take Myers-Briggs, so they could take the information with them when going to college or out into the working world. Not to limit them on choices, but just to show them where their natural talents lie.

"INFPs are highly intuitive about people. They rely heavily on their intuitions to guide them, and use their discoveries to constantly search for value in life. They are on a continuous mission to find the truth and meaning underlying things. Every encounter and every piece of knowledge gained gets sifted through the INFP's value system, and is evaluated to see if it has any potential to help the INFP define or refine their own path in life."

- Portrait of an INFP (The Personality Page)

Hummm.....sounds like my last post.

Seeking

'you seek too much, that as a result of your seeking you cannot find.'
'How is that?' asked Govinda
'When someone is seeking,' said Siddhartha, 'it happens quite easily....that he is unable to find anything, unable to absorb anything, because he is only thinking of the thing he is seeking, because he has a goal, because he is obsessed with his goal. Seeking means: to have a goal; but finding means: to be free, to be receptive, to have no goal.'

I came across this quote a few days ago while reading, and it resonated with me rather intensely. Most of my adult life I have been on the quest to find the "thing," the truth of who I am and what I am suppose to do, as if it were some treasure piece wrapped in pretty, sparkling ribbons and bows. I have sought high and low, out there in the world, and even within myself, but nothing ever was found. I was the queen of making goal accomplishment lists. If I did a,b,c, and d then I would make it, I would find what was waiting for me at the end of the rainbow. Underneath that rainbow would be my own pot of gold with all the answers to all the questions I had ever asked myself. It sounds juvenile to me now, but that is what I was taught. Work hard, attain goals, and you will have every thing and all the love you could ever want.

After at least 15 years of running in circles, checking off my list, punishing myself for those goals not attained, I gave up. I threw in the towel and said I was done with it all. My husband, who is a rather assertive and competitive individual was dumbstruck. How could I possibly just give up?
I gave up because I was tired of seeking, of trying to be something that the world and my expectations told me I needed to be. I gave up because I found myself trying to extract love from people that were unable or incapable of giving me the love that I so desperately sought. I gave up, and essentially I gave in. That was when the world changed for me. I suddenly found a well within myself that needed to be filled and not with some random list of accomplishments, but with love. Love of life, love of humanity, love of God, and love of myself. I had to tear down most the walls of my upbringing and culture and start over. I had to once again learn to be free and accept life as it came, like I did as a child. Expectations lead to doubt and frustration, and as adults it seems that is all we are (speaking personally). We have either met or failed our expectations. This has led to misery for me, and many others that I know. It traps you from being who you really are.

Now when I look to the future, I try to do what comes naturally to me. I try not to seek any answers, but choose to take the path that brings me peace, finding my answers along the way. It isn't always easy to break old habits and behaviors. I fell off the wagon a few months ago writing a list of expectations for the summer. Sure enough, afterwards I became obsessed with these accomplishments, sacrificing the moment. Although I try, I can still be taunted by my yellow pad of paper calling out to me, "come back, come back." I close my eyes, smile, and move on without expectation of what is to come.

I'm feeling a bit....

Like this!!

Photo taken of a photo at the Natural History Museum Photography exhibit. Sorry I did not get the photographer's name.

And he's off........again

Boy, I can't seem to get my husband to stay home these days. I wonder if I am starting to smell bad or something? Ha Ha Ha. Yes he is gone again. From D.C., home for 5 days, off to Hawaii for the next 10 days. I was suppose to be going with him, but once again the flights are too full. Even he doesn't have a seat. He gets to spend 6 hours in the jump seat of the cockpit. That should be fun.
I keep thinking someday our lives might "settle down", but every time they seem to, something comes up and there goes the "settle" part. I know his activity in the Navy is temporary, at least I think it is. He is now to a certain level of rank and experience where a lot of doors are open to him. As much as he wants to take these opportunities, I want him to have those experiences as well. Life is a series of doors that open and then close, and once they close that particular experience may never come around again. I know the same is for me and my own experiences. I can look back at my own doors that I never went into for whatever reason, and now I look back wishing I had.
I did share with him today though, that my hope is once I am fully certified and working, I would like the opportunity to maybe work overseas in England or Australia where it appears that Speech therapy is a much more respected and advanced profession. I think it would be an amazing opportunity. Maybe just for a year. He said he would. He would take a leave of absence and go with me. Pretty nice. I also told him that I want to do domestic and international volunteer work with charities like Operation Smile. He also liked the idea.
I guess I shouldn't complain about not being more settled then. It appears that for us, being "settled" might not be who we are. I guess neither of us is all that good at it.