Just a Simple Phone Call

Yesterday I received a surprise phone call from an Aunt whom I haven't heard from in a while. I actually had been thinking I needed to call and visit with her since I am home. She is my father's older sister, and the matriarch of the "clan." The last couple of times I have visited with the family, I have perceived a little investigation into my life other than just the gathering of general knowledge. That side of my family is LDS, and although it is questionable how LDS they are (I been witness to a few beer drinkers), it has become more pronounced in dialogue recently.

I am of the belief that one's subscribed beliefs are their own business (as long as they don't harm another in the practice of them). I respect beliefs as personal and individual. It is none of my business what anyone really believes in or doesn't believe in. If it brings them comfort and happiness then I cannot cast judgement on their reasons for why the believe in what they do.
Every so often, however, the same respect is not offered to me. I am currently of no religion and am trying to church shop to find a place that fits me. Yes, I know to some that might sound self centered, but for me a religion has to first understand my own connection to God, which functions with or without a religious connection. I know what I need from a religion, and I know what I can offer it. So far, I have not found my place yet, but hope to soon.

My Aunt is not really aware of my religious/nonreligious persuasion because....well... it's none of her business. I don't think that it should be a big deal. As I look back, however, I am reminded of a few questions that came out of the blue, the stack of genealogy papers given to me, the adoration in her eyes when she would discuss the prestigious family members who came to Utah with Brigham Young, and the statement she made when inviting me to a family dinner, "go ahead and park in the church parking lot, maybe that way you will decide to convert." Ah yes, I will determine my spiritual growth by which parking lot I park my car in. I know she says this not to undermine me or my beliefs, but more just out of ignorance. She, like most Utah folk, don't understand that there can be anything good beyond the bounds of Mormonism. As I have heard repeatedly, "well I don't really believe in a lot of what the church teaches, but it has good family values." I think there is a general misunderstanding that the only good families are Mormon families. I find this idea to be sad and unfortunate, not to mention not always true.

As I talked to my Aunt, she started discussing how she was looking forward to being with her Tom again (my uncle passed away 2 years ago). That they will be together for eternity. I immediately became uncomfortable knowing where this conversation was headed, "Yep, that will be great, but right now you have all your children and grand children who love you and want you here." I was trying to change the subject, but she was not letting me off the hook this time. "Don't you want to be with Larry for eternity?" she asked. How does one answer such a question, and in a way that she will understand without offending her? I knew that in her own way, she was trying to "look out" for me. I responded the only way I knew how, by being honest, "I believe that eternity rests in love, God is love, and as I love my family and my husband, I believe I will be with them, and with God, after I die." A long, uncomfortable pause followed. She didn't really respond. I took the opportunity to completely change the conversation, asking how my cousin Becky was doing, knowing she loves nothing more than to talk about her kids. It worked.

After I hung up with her, I began to really reflect on the uncomfortable feeling I had. It is one of those deep pains, that always makes the hair on the back of my neck rise up. I care for my Aunt and wish her all the love and joy in this life and the next, but I just couldn't get over the fact that she actually believes that because I am not a Mormon, I will spend eternity without God, without love, and without my family. How is that even possible? How does one jump to such conclusions?

The concept reminded me of being in 1st grade when my teacher made a graph with all our names on the left side of the paper, and the days of the week on the top. Depending on how "good" you were (homework, tardiness, quizzes, etc..) you would receive a different colored star: gold, silver, red, and green. God help you if you got anything below a silver. Green was just an abomination. Only losers got green. At the end of the week, prizes were given out for those that got the most gold stars. I guess in a way that is how I view what my Aunt asked me; if I join the church, get sealed in the temple to my husband, do all the things the church asks of me, my money, and my time, then I get a week of gold stars, and will be given my family to spend eternity with as a reward, rather then the crappy dark green stars that lead to some other spiritual plane for those who don't share the Mormon view of eternity. I also remember feeling stressed out about getting those gold stars. My anxiety level was high, and it would often lead to tears if I didn't do something just right and missed the Gold star opportunity, having to settle for silver or even red. How sad that a 6 year old would have to feel such anxiety about something so trivial. Stars be damned I say, the larger picture should have been shown in what one learns in the process; why do your homework, why do you get to class on time, why do you study for quizzes? Not to get Gold stars, or the rewards, but to learn. This is how I view life, we come to learn and to love, not to work for a reward. I feel that an outlook of rewards taints the reasons behind all actions, making them superficial and temporary.

In my marriage and in my family, I love them because they are my family, not because of what they do or don't do, or what I can get out of it. I love God because he is everything and the basis for all my actions, and when I struggle with my choices I turn to him alone for help. Love has no boundaries for me, not in this life, nor the next. I don't have to join a religion to understand that or to feel what that means. Whatever God has in store for me and my husband or any member of my family is not for me to say. If God needs my husband to do something which means we cannot be together, then so be it. I will still love him, and he will still be my family. Isn't that what love is, without conditions, without possession? Shouldn't we all have the freedom to love and be loved without worrying about whether we made the mark, or passed the test? I hope someday my Aunt might be able to see and understand such things. I know she loves her family more than life itself. She is a loving, wonderful person. I just hope she can understand that love is enough. It is the best and the most inspired of places to reside.

" He who is filled with love is filled with God himself." Saint Augustine